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DEGREE 


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THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 















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The Author 




THE NINETY-NINTH 
DEGREE 


Triscurria - Tremefaxio Order 


BY 

DOC ROSELUND 

* > 

CERTUM 



The Emblem of the Order 


CHICAGO 

PRIVATELY PRINTED 
1917 



Copyright, 1917, by 
N. A. Roselcnd 



APR -6 1917 


€fje Hakfsftir $tta* 

R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS COMPANY 
CHICAGO 


©Cl, A 4 3785 2 

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This book is dedicated to my 
friend Hirschfield , whom I met 
in Haparanda , near the bound- 
ary line of Finland , Russia , — 
in the kingdom of the Land of 
the Midnight Sun , — whose en- 
couragement and unselfish de- 
votion did much to sustain me 
in the preparation of this vol- 
ume , and who was at once the 
inspiration and the guiding star 
in the planning of this Order. 



PREFACE 


It is the hope of the author that the pleasure he has derived 
from the writing of this volume may be transmitted to its 
readers. He has endeavored to impart to it a tone of happi- 
ness and helpful interest. Whether it will be accepted in 
the spirit in which it is presented remains to be determined, 
for the obvious truths which it contains may not receive the 
consideration which the writer feels they deserve. 

This book is the result of a close observation of secret 
matters. In fact, its very motive is the exposition of the 
secrets of an order which was planned and partly written 
during the writer’s travels abroad, though it was completed 
after his return to Chicago. This order was devised for the 
purpose of affording to the candidate for its mysteries the 
privilege of effecting his own initiation, and, in the privacy 
of his own home, — in the comfort of his own favorite chair, 
in fact, — to be his own Master of Ceremonies. 

The reader is given a full knowledge of the meaning of 
the several forms and rites, with a complete exposition of 
the objects and purposes of the order. Satisfaction, cer- 
tainly, is not guaranteed; for the reason that the giving of 
satisfaction to all persons is an undertaking too great to be 
attempted with any hope of success. 

The writer expects to be censured, perhaps even damned, 
by some of his critics. He assures the reader that he will 
not be displeased by this. We are all more or less given to 
criticizing our neighbors adversely, — the desire to do so 
would seem to be little less than our birthright. We are 
pleased to find fault with others, not so much perhaps be- 
cause of their actual wickedness as because that is one of 
the games we know best how to play. We snap and bite 

7 


8 


PREFACE 


at one another because in that crude manner we are en- 
abled best to rid ourselves of that surplus of venom which the 
system of man seems always to contain in some degree. 

Most of us have the ability to vision great and good things 
but many do not know how to realize them. The writer 
expects to be snapped at and bitten for some of his writings, 
but for that he is prepared. We all are trying to do our part 
of the world’s work, for which we expect to be rewarded in 
one way or another. We all are striving, — for our own 
benefit largely, — striving mightily to advance ourselves by 
individual selfish endeavor, seldom with a common unified 
effort. 

In the writing of this book, however, the author has 
striven to forget self in the larger pleasure of giving joy and 
comfort to others, to that multitude of persons who would 
enjoy the rites and ceremonies of a secret order, but who 
prefer to experience those pleasures at home; who will find 
much of joy in gaining entrance into the exalted ninety- 
ninth, the highest degree in existence. 

Though the vehicle for a soul-stirring love-story, the 
book has for its readers a far deeper significance; for it con- 
tains the key to a mystery — the complete denouement of a 
secret order. Why secret? Because in all the world there 
is nothing which is so pregnant with fascination for the mind 
as a secret. Realizing this, the writer has brought together 
within the covers of this book a mass of secret matters, 
divided into chapters, with interesting lectures concerning 
the several degrees of the order in question, together with 
a complete exposition of its hitherto unrevealed workings. 

The Ninety-ninth Degree lecture, full as it is of interest 
to many readers, will perhaps be condemned by others. 
Some candidates may object to its satire upon their beliefs. 
The writer offers in extenuation of his treading upon private 
grounds of belief the fact that all secret orders have delved 
into the days of long ago for materials from which to fashion 
the mysteries of their rituals. And he begs that he be taken 


PREFACE 


9 


not too seriously, for even among those who condemn should 
be some who will laugh despite their wish to censure. Per- 
haps even after we of this generation have passed on there 
may be those who will take up our joke and find healthful 
enjoyment in it. Who knows? 

Much of the material of this book has for ages been the 
subject of song and story, but so far as the writer can learn 
it has never formed the motif of a secret order. It is the 
unknown from the dead past which the writer has gathered, 
the secrets never before told. Since we live in a world of 
secrets, — since in truth we ourselves were secrets before 
birth and will remain so after death, — we may profit by 
learning what we may at every opportunity. The new 
secrets of this order will interest and amuse you. 

In all the history of the world, — at any rate, in that 
part of the world with which we are familiar, — secrets have 
played a part. We may perhaps be forgiven if in all the 
world nothing seems quite so important as ourselves. It is 
but natural that within ourselves the mind is supreme. And 
if, then, the greatest thing within our minds is our secrets, 
shall we not feel that secrets form one of the greatest things 
of life? Shall we fail to appreciate secrets because we can- 
not understand them? 

The initiate into a secret order passes through new and 
novel experiences. He gains new visions, new viewpoints. 
If you happen to be already a member of such an order, you 
appreciate the truth of this statement. Therefore, with the 
conviction that secret orders should become a more prom- 
inent factor in the life of everyone, the writer has taken upon 
himself the task of establishing such an order, with this 
distinctive improvement over the older form of secret order : 
that anyone may, by the simple expedient of reading this 
book, become a member of this order, without fear of being 
black-balled, without having to rack his brain for a passable 
excuse to leave home in the evening, and without paying the 
usual monthly dues. 


10 


PREFACE 


The name of the order results from the fact that while 
the book was in process of writing, some of the authors’ 
intimates, learning of his intent, greeted him with many a 
“tee, hee! tee, hee!” Thus was evolved the T-T Order, the 
mystic symbols conveying to the initiate the meaning: 
“ Triscurria-Tremefaxio.” 

The title of the book, “The Ninety-ninth Degree,” is 
also the principal degree of the order, — the last and highest 
degree attainable in this or any other order. 

Since the writer first mentioned the Ninety-ninth Degree 
to his friends and acquaintances, many prominent persons 
have sought to learn its meaning, for they had never heard 
of so exalted a degree. Just as other secrets have been 
father to many things which have achieved prominence in 
the world, so have the Ninety-ninth Degree and the T-T 
Order already gained a wide repute. It will not be long, it is 
hoped, until every fun-loving person will be a member of this 
order, happily inflamed by the Ninety-ninth Degree. 

Those who have been initiated into the mysteries of the 
order and who have attained the Ninety-ninth Degree are 
much pleased with it. The pleasure they have derived from 
it is readily apparent to all who know them. You, too. 
Reader, may experience this happiness and may profit from 
the knowledge which the T-T Order brings you, — secrets 
of the past never before told. And after passing through 
the several degrees you will understand and appreciate 
the aims and purposes of the order and will realize upon 
what a high plane it stands. Then you will feel, as others 
have felt, the urgent desire to bring into the lives of others 
the good that has come to you. You can best do so by in- 
teresting others in the reading of “The Ninety-ninth Degree,” 
by persuading them to buy the book that they may enjoy, 
as you have enjoyed, the benefits of the order. 

The writer feels that he has done what he could to make 
mankind a bit happier, and that the book cannot fail to do 
some good. And now, having thus introduced himself and 


PREFACE 


11 


the order which he was instrumental in founding, he with- 
draws into the background, that the characters of his story 
may carry you into the dim and mysterious regions of the 
T-T Order. Feeling that you are about to become a worthy 
T-T, he bids you welcome. 


The Author. 



INTRODUCTION 


Since time immemorial secret orders and societies of all 
kinds have practiced their rites and ceremonies, and it is 
not improbable that they will continue to do so until the 
end of time. In view of the fact that so many societies have 
existed for a great length of time, it may seem strange to the 
uninitiated that none of the secrets of the T-T Order have 
been incorporated into the rituals of the older societies. 

Just as it is said to require all sorts of people to make a 
world, so it takes all kinds of weird and wonderful mysteries 
to compose the ritual of a secret society. Not all persons 
are expected to be pleased with any one society, nor do all 
societies harbor the same secrets. None other is in possession 
of the secrets of the T-T Order. 

These secrets, long locked in the dim veiled obscurity of 
the past, are now to be exposed to you through the medium of 
“The Ninety-ninth Degree,” a secret order in book form. 
Some of the mysteries have been gleaned from the history 
of ancient times, while others are entirely new, — if not 
original in fact at least so in the manner of their presentation. 

Most secret societies apply to their novices only the lesser 
degrees, admitting the candidate to full fellowship only 
after a considerable period of probation. It is usually 
many years ere the higher and more interesting degrees are 
finally achieved, if in fact the candidate ever achieves them. 
And the cost is often prohibitive. In this respect the T-T 
Order is most liberal; for all the degrees, high and low, may 
be acquired in a short time. The tyro has but to devour and 
digest the contents of this book. 

This method of “riding the goat” is safe and easy. You 
have the animal under your control at all times, for the reins 

13 


14 


INTRODUCTION 


are in your own hands, and should he become unruly you 
may bring him up with a short turn at any time. You are 
your own Master. There is nothing to fear, and much of 
pleasure and profit to gain. Be determined to exalt your- 
self to the Ninety-ninth Degree, and all the privileges and 
benefits of the order are yours for all time. 

Should you wonder when, how, and why the secrets of 
this order were unfolded to the writer, and why he now im- 
parts them to you, compose yourself in patience, for their 
source will in due time be divulged to you. This much only 
may you be permitted to know at this time: that the order 
had its inception during the lifetime of Noah, before the 
building of the Ark, and that its archives are even to-day 
buried in the subterranean vaults of our Grand Temple in 
Gee-hoo-sa-lem. 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


Chapter I 

Travel brings one many opportunities to acquire new and 
interesting friends. And among the many I have so ac- 
quired none was quite so entertaining as Hirschfield, whom 
I met in Haparanda, a quaint city in the Land of the Mid- 
night Sun. 

Hirschfield was a man of many excellences and as many 
faults. Among other things he claimed to be the Grand 
Master of a secret order, and, since I was myself an enthu- 
siastic lodge member, and because the order he named was 
one of which I had never before heard, I felt much in- 
terested in him. This interest rapidly developed into friend- 
ship, and during our acquaintance I learned of many divert- 
ing episodes of his life. 

He was in some ways a splendid fellow, of rare breeding 
and charm. He dressed in good taste, and bore himself 
proudly. His eyes were gray, and deeply set beneath a 
noble brow. His blond curls were parted in the center of 
his shapely head. His face, in repose, bore a curiously half- 
serious, half-amused look, as though he were always half 
sad, half happy. He was lofty in spirit and intellect, 
though at times a victim of deep despondency, — especially 
when the latest of his oft-recurring love affairs had gone 
awry. 

He was a great favorite among the ladies, to whom his 
dapper manner and good looks appealed in a romantic way. 
At the time of our meeting he was deep in the throes of an 
affair of the heart, the object of which was Eleanor, the pretty 
little daughter of a wealthy tanner in Haparanda. 


15 


16 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


Eleanor was so very pretty and vivacious in her gentle 
way that I did not wonder that Hirschfield loved her, nor 
could I fail to share his regret that her father looked upon him 
with open disfavor. 

Hirschfield was downcast in spirit when he learned of 
the tanner’s dislike. He was the sort of man who likes al- 
ways to be flattered, and the old tanner did not flatter him. 
At times Hirschfield became almost desperate. Once, in a 
moment of despondency, he cried: 

“By heaven! I believe there is a curse upon me.” 

And I was impelled to confess that I believed the same 
thing. I knew, though, that the curse was his own tem- 
perament, which was that of a spoiled child, — wanting every- 
thing upon which his fancy rested, crying for the moon. 

Eleanor, never before the recipient of a man’s attentions, 
was much flattered by Hirschfield’s devotion. For he was 
popular with all the girls of Haparanda. To feel herself 
the object of his interest was quite enough to turn the head 
of so young and unsophisticated a maid. Hirschfield danced 
well, talked well, and conducted himself quite cavalierly, — 
any girl might have felt willing to adventure with him in an 
innocent flirtation. 

Eleanor felt triumphant indeed when he turned from the 
other girls to her. Until this time she had remained “heart 
whole and fancy free.” But now a walk in the park with 
Hirschfield brought her great happiness, and to dance with 
him, while the other girls looked daggers of jealousy, carried 
her into a veritable heaven of delight. 

Hirschfield had been strongly attracted to Eleanor from 
their first meeting, and when she avowed her love for him he 
was the happiest fellow in Haparanda. But his j oy was short- 
lived; for Eleanor’s father, a grasping, irascible old individual, 
had already arranged that Eleanor should marry a man of his 
own selection, — a wealthy widower more than twice her age. 

This edict, presented in no uncertain terms to the young 
couple, bitterly awoke them from their dream of happiness. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


17 


To the girl, whose mind was ripe for romance, the thought of 
marrying a man as old as her father was abhorrent, even 
though he possessed the riches of Croesus. When during 
their stolen meetings her lover held her in his arms and cov- 
ered her face and throat with hot, impassioned kisses, she 
felt her blood surge through her veins with a wildness that 
had hitherto been unknown, unfelt. When he breathed 
into her ears breathless vows of never-failing devotion, her 
heart leaped with joy and she trembled with an emotion for 
which she blushed, yet could not control. 

She begged Hirschfield to endeavor to persuade her father 
to consent to their union. But he, fearing failure, met her 
entreaties with a counter proposal. 

“Come with me to another land!” he cried. “I want 
you. I need you. Only come with me.” 

But she refused to elope with him, protesting weakly. 
“I cannot leave my mother” was her excuse. 

He caught her in his arms and strained her to his breast 
with all the strength of a masterful love that swayed her 
strangely and left her weakly trembling. 

Eleanor’s mind was torn between the desire to acquiesce 
to her lover’s wishes and what she felt to be her duty to her 
parents. Her eyes glowed with the ardor of her love for him, 
and as she gazed fondly upon him she was proud of him, for 
he looked so brave, so handsome, in his desperation. She 
recalled at this moment the many tales he had told her of 
his experiences with the French army, and her heart fluttered 
with the fear that, if they failed to find a way to evade her 
father’s will, he might return to that war-torn nation, per- 
haps to die and be lost to her forever. 

Hirschfield was a clever boxer. Indeed he might have 
become a champion fighter had he possessed the ability to 
cling to one thing long enough to succeed. His want of the 
power of application had deprived him of many good things. 
He possessed so many talents that I often wondered why 


18 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


he never prospered, until I learned that he was so indigent 
that at times he could scarcely afford to buy bones for his 
pet dog. 

He was well versed in several languages, — he spoke some 
of them fluently, — and withal he had started life with pros- 
pects of a brilliant future. But his love of travel, his rolling- 
stone habits, had made of him what may be termed an 
economic hybrid, — a successful failure. Yet he escaped 
utter ruin by learning of his weakness before it was too late. 

Perhaps he was not to blame. He may have been born 
under an unlucky star. Nevertheless every opportunity 
that had ever been placed before him had faded from his 
sight while he gazed at it. 

So far as I could judge him, his principal trouble was 
his inherent custom of looking upon the world through dark- 
colored glasses, gaining thereby a false and depressive im- 
pression of people and things. Distrust of others, resent- 
ment, envy, bitterness, combined with a colossal egotism, 
had always been his dominant characteristics. 

His friends, conscious of his attitude, very naturally with- 
drew as far from him as was possible without avoiding him 
altogether. Thus he was left too much alone with his va- 
grant and none too happy imaginings. 

Yet he was unusually clever. He had finished school at 
the age of eighteen and in the few years following he had run 
the whole gamut of the printing trade, — had washed forms 
and rollers in the pressroom, had been a pressfeeder, a re- 
porter, a solicitor, a collector, and an advertising-writer. 
No doubt he tried hard to advance in this profession; but 
like many another failure he spent too much time looking 
backward and regretting his failures, — forgetting, mean- 
time, the goal ahead. 

Retrospection, if pleasant, generally brings rest to the 
mind; and the review of yesterday’s errors often fortifies one 
against the possibility of mistakes in the battle of to-morrow. 
Dreaming of the past and living in the present cannot inter- 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 19 

fere with the proper performance of one’s duty. So perhaps 
Hirschfield was not altogether wrong in his habit of looking 
backward. 

His sports were hunting, fishing, boxing, and pedestrian- 
ism. He was endowed with great talent for writing pretty 
love stories. He had composed many great poems which 
had been copied by newspapers and magazines in several 
countries. And he possessed a great sheaf of lesser verse 
which he had written, which could not well have been crit- 
icized adversely. 

His nativity was doubtful. He told me he was a descend- 
ant of Pomern, but that he was born in Iceland while his 
parents were traveling in that country. He therefore called 
himself a globe-trotter. 1 

Hirschfield’s father, once a preacher, had cherished the 
hope that his son might follow in his father’s footsteps. 
But the young man declined the honor — unless, as he said, 
he could be a circuit rider — for he could not resist the 
fascination of travel. 

In a spirit of confidence he told me that he could 
not imagine himself a preacher, intrusted with the fearful 

1 Among other globe-trotters I may mention John Henry Mears, who 
is probably familiar to my readers. In 1913 Mears traveled east from New 
York, crossing the Russian Empire by way of Siberia, continued round the 
world and returned to New York from the west, accomplishing the journey 
in the short period of thirty-five days, twenty-one hours, and thirty-five 
minutes, the shortest time on record. Andre Jaeger-Schmidt, in 1911 , 
made the same trip in thirty-nine days. Nellie Bly, in 1889 , spent seventy- 
two days on this journey; Captain Seymour, in 1876 , one hundred and 
seventeen days. The Magellan Expedition, in 1519 - 1522 , girdled the 
globe in three years. The writer, though he has not yet traveled round the 
world, is nevertheless something of a globe-trotter. During the years 
1914-1915 he traveled in three of the largest continents in the world, — 
Europe, Asia, and Africa. In America he has traveled from coast to coast, 
entering almost every state in the Union. He has been a passenger on 
steam vessels on the Atlantic, the Pacific, and the Arctic oceans, and the 
Mediterranean Sea. He has traveled by rail up Pike’s Peak and Mount 
Vesuvius and has adventured upon the lowest sea on earth. And he has 
enjoyed real Turkish baths in Constantinople and salt baths in the Great 
Salt Lake of Utah. He has traveled on the Jordan, the Nile and the Mis- 
sissippi. He has derived much pleasure from his travels, but he has learned 
that “the more you see, the more you want to see.” 


20 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


responsibility of piloting souls from this world to the better 
and more heavenly kingdom. He felt that, like King Solo- 
mon, he was full of wisdom, but that he had not had the 
advantages of Solomon. 

Reminiscing over his wanderings, he grew serious, and 
grasping my hand, said : 

“My best friend, I was at one time as happy as you, and 
enjoyed traveling as much as you do. But since I have be- 
come a victim of wanderlust , much of the pleasure has 
departed. Travel where you will, spend your money freely 
if you can afford it, but remember that the sun does not 
always shine. Be prepared for the rainy days that are sure 
to come.” 

Before coming to Haparanda, Hirschfield had been the 
proprietor of an unique institution in a little derby-town in 
England. There, finding himself in need of money, he 
rented a small cottage fronting upon a busy street, and an- 
nounced himself to the villagers as a “demon-doctor.” 
Upon the doorstep of his cottage his pet cat sunned himself 
daily, blinking up at passers-by in a satanic manner which 
caused the superstitious folk to believe him to be a devil-cat. 
Above the door of the cottage hung a sign bearing the words 
“Beth-Rapha” (the home of divine life). 

Persons “possessed” by devils, as well as others who were 
merely curious, felt their footsteps strangely turned in the 
direction of the doctor’s house. They were met at the door 
by the doctor himself, — he was too poor to afford a servant, 
— who extended a plump, smooth hand and welcomed them 
with the words, “Enter, my dear friend. Your case shall 
be dealt with immediately.” 

The patient, — or perhaps one might more appropriately 
say the victim — was thus put at his ease. And indeed 
everything about the place was calculated to increase this 
feeling. The little room was brightly furnished, the walls 
being hung with pictures and knick-knacks. There were 
antimacassars upon the chairs and an illustrated text hung 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


21 


above the mantelpiece. Even the air was purified by a 
slight aroma of sulphur. 

“Pray be seated,” the demon-doctor would say blandly, 
his very voice subtly encouraging the victim. Then taking 
the visitor’s hand and looking calmly into his face, the doctor 
would inquire: 

“Have you brought your demon with you?” 

The patient seldom was sure about this point, or was per- 
haps too frightened or worried to remember. He would 
blurt out some half-intelligent reply: “I don’t know, — 
I don’t think I have.” 

Then the doctor would begin his work in earnest. 

“I presume you imagine, my dear friend,” he would say, 
“that you do not possess a devil. But you do. You have 
yours, just as I have mine, — at certain times and under 
certain conditions. All of us indeed have our, shall I say, 
pet devils. There are, my friend, the demons of avarice, 
of hate, of lust, of despair, of drink, of disquietude, of 
chicanery, — flocks and flocks of them, as multitudinous as 
the sands of the seashore and as devastating as swarms of 
locusts.” 

Thereupon he would wave his arms above the subject’s 
head and glare at his patient like a dog guarding a bone. 
Finally the subject, hypnotized by his attitude, would be- 
gin to sigh very profoundly. The doctor shook his leonine 
mane, making a noise like a kettle boiling ardently. Pres- 
ently he would become excited, muttering into the ears 
of the sufferer such strange words as “Abacadabra” and 
“Sausages.” 

“I can classify your demon,” he would say. “It’s a 
plump, unmistakable devil.” And he would mention some 
one of the most common human weaknesses, such, for 
example, as curiosity. “But, my friend,” the doctor would 
continue, “he is not yet quite ripe for extraction. Call 
again in a few days and I will endeavor to get a grip on the 
gentleman and yank him out.” 


22 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


When asked for his bill, he would say with a pleasant 
smile, “There is no charge, sir, except your good will, your 
gratitude, — a little something for the poor if you can spare 
it.” (By “the poor” he meant himself, for none was poorer 
than he.) “ Generally I charge nothing for cases like yours. 
I charge only for those patients who, possessed of a par- 
ticularly virulent demon, a deep-seated devil, come to stay 
for a considerable time, and even then my bill covers little 
more than the cost of their lodging. 

“My method of extracting devils is a secret one, but I 
assure you, my dear friend, that I can scent devils from afar. 
Those hapless sufferers who are sick and racked by the tor- 
mentings and the soul-twistings of their personal devils must 
come and stay for a considerable time. They all pay what 
they can afford; for example, I charge a collier from ten 
to fifteen shillings, and a dustman even less. My smallest 
fee was three shillings and sixpence, which sum I charged 
a poor woman for casting out her demon, — at cost price, 
so to speak. My prescription is quite simple — usually 
only fresh air and good food, clear cold water and prayer. 
This treatment makes the demon decidedly uncomfort- 
able, and soon he becomes anxious for a change of resi- 
dence. And while I feed the patient liberally, I fast myself 
to prepare for the final tussle. Then the spirit descends 
suddenly upon me and I attack the grim gentleman with 
both hands. 

“Then it is a battle to the death. It is either the devil 
or me. Once or twice I have nearly been overcome, but, 
thank heaven, I came out on top in the end.” 

Hirschfield told me an interesting story of a young fellow 
who was possessed by a most fearful demon. He came as a 
paying guest to Beth-Rapha, where they wrestled long and 
arduously with the spirit. After a terrible struggle the devil 
was conquered, and was cast, hissing like a fierce serpent, out 
of the mouth of the victim. The house trembled upon its 
foundations, the ornaments on the walls fell upon the floor. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 23 

the chairs danced about the room — but the demon finally 
was compelled to depart. 

He also told me of a successful woman novelist who was 
possessed by a particularly malicious demon which inspired 
her stories. The tales she wrote were pretty and moral, 
but the inspiration was bad, and all who read them became 
imbued with some of the attributes of the wicked spirit that 
inspired them. “My wrestling with this demon,” he said, 
“was so violent and nerve-racking that the patient fell in a 
dead faint which lasted nearly two hours. She eventually 
recovered, but was never again able to write stories, — her 
literary ability passed out of her with the demon.” 

It must be conceded that a man who can extract a full- 
grown, furious devil from the person of a coal-heaver for a 
fee of seven-and-six is really a credit to the world. Hirsch- 
field made some money from his practice, but soon folk began 
to believe that he himself inspired the devils to enter the 
bodies of the villagers, and finally he was driven out of the 
town, fleeing for his life into Russian Siberia, and thence to 
Haparanda. 

Here he became a veterinary surgeon, specializing in 
diseases of the dog, but he met with little success. Although 
it was a less noble and beneficent profession than the casting 
out of devils he rejoiced that it caused him less strain and 
worry. When he confessed his fall his lips quivered and he 
could scarcely speak, but finally he managed to make plain 
to me that instead of driving out two-footed demons, or as a 
preacher giving advice to two-footed sinners, he felt keenly 
the disgrace of being forced to treat the diseases of four-footed 
animals. 

He had become a veterinary surgeon through the medium 
of a German correspondence school, which had awarded him 
a diploma. And with this diploma as his sole introduction, 
he established himself in Haparanda. To eke out his meager 
income, he tried also to interest the people in the study of 
foreign languages, but as the natives could scarcely speak 


24 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


their own language well he met with little success. Up 
around the sixty-ninth parallel people do not care much for 
learning. 

To be able to converse in several tongues is of course of 
great advantage to many persons, and helps much toward a 
better understanding of the niceties of the idioms of one’s 
own language. It is frequently useful in business, and is a 
useful and delightful avocation. In short, it broadens one's 
mind. Many persons possess the natural gift of learning. 
This was true of the doctor. 

Hirschfield was very proud of his dog “Swatty," and the 
animal seemed greatly to love him. Often the doctor boasted 
to me of his canine pet. “Dot dog," he would say, lapsing 
into broken English, “is der finest hund you effer saw. It’s 
a fine dog, indeed. I have bred him myself und I know. 
Just look at dose eyes, dose shoulders, dot tail, — what a fine 
tail he got, good enough for a king" (meaning, no doubt, a 
king of the monkey family) . He would talk for hours about 
his dog. Being called a good dog isn't so bad after all. 

The dog was indeed a fine one, a superb specimen of his 
breed, — large and powerful, with springy muscles and tense 
sinews. His coat, harsh and grizzled, and his erect, forward- 
pointing ears and sharp nose gave him a formidable, wolfish 
appearance. One could not but admire his large blue eyes, 
almost human in their keen intelligence, — large, clear, fear- 
less eyes, with none of the mournful pathos of the St. Bernard, 
and none of the trivial smartness of the fox-terrier. He 
could perform many tricks. 

The doctor, even with his diploma, could scarcely find 
enough patients to supply him with money to buy tobacco. 
And often he went a-hungering for his daily bread while the 
dog went a-hungering also for his daily bone. Yet perhaps 
he could not be blamed for failure in a town where the 
people almost believe in fairies and witches and where the 
services of a surgeon hardly ever is required. 


Chapter II 

How entrancing is the recollection of the fairy stories of our 
childhood ! How we loved to sit on mother’s knee and listen 
to the wonderful tales she told ! We believed them true then, 
too, but as we grew older we began to doubt. And it is only 
of late years that the wiseacres who for centuries scorned the 
fairy tales of childhood as silly and imaginary have been im- 
pelled to doubt what they were pleased to consider their more 
mature wisdom. Now they are searching their bulky tomes 
for proofs, — philological, archeological, typographical, and 
traditional, — of the historical reality of fairies. 

One English scholar confesses himself thoroughly con- 
vinced of the former existence in all parts of Great Britian of 
a race of men whose every distinguishing characteristic points 
to their descent from the fairies. Another has asserted that 
a map could be drawn of Fairyland, showing with exactness 
the several kingdoms of the fairy folk. 

Another antiquarian declares that there is reason to be- 
lieve that the prehistoric tribes, whom the invading Celts and 
Teutons conquered and whose lands they now possess, were 
but fairies. 

Other famous folklorists believed that most fairy tales 
have sprung from the beliefs and practices of those ab- 
original tribes, and that witchcraft was practiced by the 
aborigines and subtle, mysterious influences exercised by this 
cunning pigmy race over the simple minds of their stalwart 
conquerors. In fine, mythical as the fairies have now be- 
come, they represent the last traditional memories of an 
historic race, a view which Edward Thorstenberg sustains 
with arguments from historical literature as well as scientific 
research. 


25 


26 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


Thorstenberg argues that according to the lore of ancient 
Ireland the earliest inhabitants were a race of magicians who 
were defeated in battle and dispossessed by the Gaelic and 
Celtic invaders, whereupon they entered the ground and lived 
in hillocks, or shee mounds, which formed entrances to a 
nether realm of inexpressible splendor and delight, where the 
Shee, or wizard people, led a life free from care, disease, and 
death, and passed the smiling hours in simple pleasures. 

According to the olden story of “Connia of the Golden 
Hair,” the king once called upon his priests to prevent a 
Banshee, or fairy woman, from bewitching and carrying away 
his son. “Whence hast thou come, oh lady?” the priest 
asked the Banshee. “I have come,” she replied, “from the 
land of the living in which there is neither death, nor sin, 
nor strife, where perpetual feasts are enjoyed without 
anxiety and without contention. We dwell in a large shee; 
hence we are called the ‘Shee’ people.” 

Early Christian missionaries to the British Isles wrote of 
dwellers in the hills who showed visitors secret places of 
happiness where none but immortals dwelt. These natives 
were called “Shee,” or fairies. The Shee folk are pictured 
in myth and legend as a tiny race, the men about four feet 
tall and the women much shorter. They were on friendly 
terms with mortals, and formed alliances with them, and 
even hired themselves out as servants. However, they 
possessed supernatural powers and, if ill treated, visited 
dire punishment upon their offenders. 

They dressed in green, and the men wore tall red conical 
caps, and were therefore often called “the little red men.” 
They dazzled mortal men with their showy splendor, gor- 
geous apparel, and pageants. They were clever smiths and 
weavers, and hoarded up treasures like misers, delighting in 
pilfering and petty mischief. 

Archeology has established beyond all reasonable doubt 
the prehistoric existence in Europe of two aboriginal races, 
one of them being the dark, short, round-headed men who 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 27 

survive in the Lapps around Haparanda and farther north 
in Lapland. It is these tiny ancestors of the Lapps who 
are believed to have been the fairies. Their extreme dwarfish 
stature, their homes, their dress, their mode of living, their 
industries and occupations (even to the milking of deer), 
their shyness in the presence of ordinary people, their wide- 
spread reputation as wizards (especially their supposed power 
of causing snowstorms, darkness, and unfavorable winds), — 
all these things point to a perfect parallel with the Shee folk 
or fairies. 

The writer spent nine weeks among the Lapps, so that 
his knowledge comes not from hearsay. He also has read 
much about them in fairy books. For ages the Lapps be- 
lieved that in certain mountains or hills there dwelt a race 
of men much like their own, carrying on the same occupations 
but leading a life of more perfect pleasure, having great 
wealth and skill in witchcraft, whereas the ordinary “lapus” 
were poor, miserable creatures constantly in need of the 
protection as well as the instruction and help of others. 

I have talked to Lapps who claimed in person to have 
visited the sieide , and to have drunk, sung, and beaten the 
drum with the sieide people. They had feasted with them. 
They had been instructed, even admonished, by these 
people. And I learned during my stay with them that as 
soon as a Lapp attains manhood he becomes exceedingly 
desirous of owning sieide hills, — a dozen or more if he can 
locate them, — believing that their mysterious inhabitants 
will be his protectors, helping him by their witchcraft. 

The Irish shee mounds and the Lapp sieide hills are be- 
lieved to be underground realms of inexpressible delight, 
inhabited by a happy race of wizards. There is, however, 
this difference: the Irish believe the dwellers in their 
hills to be of a foreign race, while the Lapps believe their 
hill peoples to belong to their own race. It is my belief 
that the Shee folk of Irish lore and the ancestors of the 
Lapps are one and the same people; in other words, the 


28 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

fairies of Great Britain are almost certainly of Lappish 
descent. 

The motley train of trolls, dwarfs, elves, and goblins in 
the fairydom of Scandinavia resembles the Lapps so closely 
that all who are familiar with both cannot fail to note their 
resemblance to one another. Both have the same diminu- 
tive stature, the same clumsy bodies, the same gay-colored 
dress, the same cowardly cunning and deceitful ways, the 
same skill as craftsmen, the same delight in glittering metals, 
the same reputation for wizardry and sorcery, especially 
regarding their ability to transport themselves instantane- 
ously from place to place and to render themselves invisible 
at will. 

Indeed, many identical stories are told about the dwarfs 
and the goblins in fairy literature, and also about the Finn 
Laplanders, and although their locality is different the scenes 
and incidents are exactly the same. This is true also of 
the fairy lore in general of all parts of Europe. There is 
very little difference between the Irish shee mound and the 
subterranean palaces where Alberich, Elliegast, Laurin, 
Oberon, and other dwarf kings ruled. 

The same idea appears even in Horselberg or Venusberg, 
where the hero of Tannhauser fell victim to Holda’s magic 
charm. And this in turn resembles the enchantment of 
Ulysses at the hands of Queen Calypso in the mythical island 
of Ogygia. 

Among the people of Haparanda were many Lapps and 
Finns who were firm believers in fairies, wizards, and witches, 
so that it was really no place for my friend Hirschfield to lo- 
cate for the practice of surgery. Anyone with common sense 
easily could have foretold his failure. 

The human inhabitants of Haparanda numbered about 
fourteen hundred, and the number of dog inhabitants was 
considerably less. Haparanda has ever been considered one 
of the healthiest places in the country, or perhaps in the world. 
People seldom fall ill, and almost never die. The town 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 29 

boasted a grave-digger, but the poor fellow would have 
starved had it not been that his spouse, who as a midwife 
was kept constantly employed, earned a fair living for both. 
And there was also a physician, but he had long ago for- 
gotten how to write a prescription. The hinges of his door 
were not worn, nor was his threshold, — some saving there, 
at any rate. He spent his time playing cards, and when he 
became hungry went hunting for rabbits and chickens. 
The only medical attendance the inhabitants of Haparanda 
ever needed was the service of the grave-digger’s wife. 

Just as the human denizens of the village were happy and 
healthy, so were the four-footed inhabitants, the horses, 
cows, goats, and pigs, which latter could easily be located by 
das bewustsein. On a bright day one could hear their happy 
laughter — or what among animals might pass for laughter 
— all through the town. 

The beasts greatly exceeded the humans in numbers, and 
at first thought one might think that a veterinary surgeon 
should prosper in Haparanda. But the animals were as 
healthy and happy as the people. And even when a four- 
footed being developed a toothache or rheumatism, its 
owner, believing in the efficacy of the treatment adminis- 
tered by the fairies and witches, ignored the doctor. For 
the doctor insisted upon his fee, and wizards worked for the 
pure love of doing good. What chance was there for poor 
Hirschfield ! 

“A surgeon’s job is a difficult one in Haparanda,” I 
remarked to him one day. And he agreed with me, but 
laughingly assured me that he did not worry. 

44 1 may suffer now,” he said, 44 but some day I shall marry 
the tanner’s daughter, and then, with his money, I shall live 
like a gentleman.” 

He did not know that the old tanner was a greater faker 
than Laban, who cheated Jacob in the days of old. 


Chapter III 

Hirschfield hoped to marry Eleanor, and thereby gain 
possession of the old tanner’s wealth. He was constantly 
talking of her, — what a sweet slip of a girl she was, and 
what an immense sum of money she would some day inherit. 
I knew him to be a flirt, and I listened to him with some mis- 
givings, saying little. The girl herself was a charming little 
woman with blonde curls and bright eyes. She might have 
won first prize in any beauty contest. She was fond of the 
doctor but, being quite young, she was inclined to be, if not 
fickle, at least a bit uncertain of her own mind. 

After a few weeks her interest in him began to wane, not 
because of any want of affection on his part, but because she 
was quite too young to realize the depth and breadth of 
affection a man of his age could feel. 

When the doctor realized that she seemed less fond of him, 
he grew morose and despondent. At times when he talked 
to me about her he became furious, speaking in short, snappy 
sentences as though he were at a loss what to say. Then his 
demeanor changed and he became sad. In a trembling voice 
he accused her of having a heart as cold as the never-melting 
ice of the North Pole, and though his own heart flamed like 
the crater of Vesuvius he could not melt her dreadful 
chilliness. 

He had thought her heart won, but now he discovered his 
error. He could not understand the change that had taken 
place. They had been much together in the park, and had 
often danced together. He had been devoted to her and 
felt that she had no cause for complaint. She had always 
until now been very gracious to him, and his prospects had 
seemed to be all that could be desired. 


30 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 31 

When he related his trouble to me, I remarked: “Well, 
Doc, I feel sorry for you; but don’t you think she is rather 
too young for you? I thought you were wise enough to let 
young girls alone, especially sweets under twenty. Why 
don’t you seek some fine woman of thirty or thereabouts, — 
or better still, let women alone altogether?” 

The doctor was silent for a few moments. Then he 
asserted that she comported herself in his presence with 
more of gayety than earnestness, with more nonchalance than 
concern; that she considered her own pleasure more than his 
troublesome future. He talked on in this strain until he 
became so overwrought that he threatened suicide. 

“Oh, forget your worry,” I advised him. “A man with 
your sporting instincts should not feel hurt by the foolish 
behavior of a chit of a girl. Don’t feel so bad about it. 
Doc, don’t think that she really cares for you. She may be 
fond of dancing with you. But she is a young chick yet, quite 
too young for an old bachelor. There are too many young 
fellows in her train for her to think of you. Besides, she is 
too pretty to be wasted on an old rooster like yourself.” 

But the doctor was really deeply in love with her, and all I 
could say did not change him. I doubted that she really cared 
for him. He was a proud-looking chap on the dancing-floor, 
and any girl might have enjoyed his company. But youth is 
for youth, and besides her parents wanted her to marry some 
one with plenty of money. That the doctor did not have. 

From day to day Hirschfield became more and more 
downcast. One day he said to me : “ My best friend, it seems 
to me that when one loves as I do, one has the right to expect 
in return an affection of equal intensity.” There was in his 
eyes a bright glow of excitement and his voice trembled. 
In a melancholy manner he begged me as his best friend to 
try to persuade Eleanor to ignore her parents’ wish, and I 
agreed to do what I could for him. 

For a time thereafter he seemed more cheerful, but soon 
again dark clouds of despondency surrounded him and his 


32 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


eyes filled with tears. Then his temperament asserted it- 
self, and angrily he swore that if she refused him he would end 
his life. And he planned a spectacular finish. Wildly he 
cried that he would place a barrel of explosives on the top of 
a near-by mountain, stand upon it, light a fuse, and then, in 
clouds of smoke, in fire and flame, he would be blown into the 
air like a new Elijah and his body be scattered to the four 
winds. 

Silly, Of course, but a most disconcerting statement. I 
felt alarmed, for I feared that his mind was affected. I tried 
to calm him, telling him that he was foolish to be so mad 
about a girl when the world was crowded with other girls, 
just as pretty, just as young and sweet, and some of them 
just as wealthy. Rut he insisted that if Eleanor refused to 
marry him he would carry out his intention. So, to gain 
time, I promised to intervene with her in his behalf. 

The following day while strolling in the park I had the 
good fortune to meet the young lady, and easily engaged her 
in conversation. I had met her before and she knew that 
the doctor and I were friends. Her first question was: 

“How is Doctor Hirschfield?” 

I replied that he was not feeling quite as well as usual. 
And when she asked me what ailed him, I replied that she 
should know better than anyone else. She felt the subtle 
accusation of my answer and flushed. I knew her conscience 
troubled her. 

The day was beautiful. The sun, as softly yellow as 
wheat-straw, hung in a milk-blue sky, diffusing a beneficent 
warmth upon the many white-stemmed birches in the park. 
I led Eleanor to a bench amid the flowers, and there we sat 
and talked. From under a large flat-brimmed hat her large, 
luminous eyes flashed a challenge at me, a challenge I feared 
to accept. 

For a time we talked about the doctor. I told her every 
good thing I could think of about him — what a fine fellow 
he was, how great was his love for her, and many such tales. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


S3 


And I hinted that he had excellent prospects of being some 
day very wealthy. Fortunately she did not know that I 
meant he would be wealthy if he could marry her and gain 
possession of her father’s riches. 

Before I had finished her eyes were moist, yet she pre- 
tended to be very angry, asking me how I dared to interfere 
in her affairs. With much show of regret, I apologized, and 
soon we were friends again. I told her that as the doctor 
was well known to me I could recommend him as a man of 
excellent character, honest and true, — a man that any girl 
might feel proud and happy to marry. I tried to make her 
feel a bit contrite, hoping that she might confess the love I 
was convinced she felt for him, but she was stubborn and 
would not do so. She said simply that while she had en- 
joyed walking in the park and dancing with him there was no 
reason for him to hope that they could ever be anything 
closer than friends. 

But all the time I knew that she was trying to hide her 
real feeling. Something stronger than her own will finally 
impelled her to make me her confidant, and she told me that 
her life in her father’s home had become unbearable and that 
she longed for a home of her own. For her, she said, there 
was nothing but drudgery and fear and sorrow. And some 
wild instinct, stung out of its sleep by the poison of her fear, 
was driving her out of the dreadful place she called home to 
seek fellowship with pleasanter people. 

She unveiled to me the shrouded terror that reigned in 
her home, oppressing her every thought, tyrannizing her, 
turning all the loveliness of her life into a mockery. She 
felt that even the sunlight was a hot whisper insinuating her 
shame, and even the blue sky smiled upon her unmercifully. 
For it was in those Martinmas days when the aging year 
seems to recall the summer, just as aged persons smilingly 
remember their youth. 

Then she told me the truth, just as I had expected. She 
really loved the doctor, she confessed, and would gladly 


34 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


marry him. She wept as she said that there was, however, no 
hope; for her parents had refused their consent. She spoke 
so lovingly of the doctor that I knew that she was at last 
confessing the truth, and while she talked I fancied that she 
was surrounded by a curious atmosphere of purity that had 
prevented the tiny golden springs of her mind from being 
tarnished even by the unhappiness she had known in her 
home life. 

She rose to leave me, and I bade her good bye. She 
walked with a slight limp, the result of infantile paralysis, 
but her infirmity seemed only to give her a fluttering grace, 
a dainty softness of figure and elegance of poise. One thought 
of her as of a wounded bird. 

When she had gone I sat for a time and reflected upon 
the ways of women. How they do love to fool the men! 
pretending at times to love them well nigh to distraction and 
at other times utterly ignoring them, gazing beyond them, 
through them, as though they did not exist. Girls will be 
girls, of course, and perhaps it is a part of their nature to be 
fickle. And in these days they seem to be more so than 
formerly. One wonders whether precocity has exhausted 
their power to love before they reach ripe womanhood, or 
whether a stern Puritanism forbids their permitting their 
passion to be avowed. Perhaps modern ideas leave no room 
in their minds for love. At any rate, they seem nowadays 
to be frigid and passionless. 

During our conversation I had told Eleanor not to worry 
her sweet little soul about her trials, for all would be well in 
time. She was too young to be in a great hurry to marry. 
She had seen little of the world and should travel the high- 
road of life for a few years and meet other men before she 
decided to take a companion for the travel down life’s road. 

“I am old and experienced,” I added, “and I have seen 
many girls come to grief by marrying men who later proved 
to be drunkards, roues, and ne’er-do-wells.” I told her that 
my doctor had ordered me to walk daily in the park, and that 


TEISCUREIA-TREMEFAXIO OEDEE 35 

I would enjoy meeting her again, for I was greatly de- 
lighted at the opportunity to spend my time with so sweet a 
maid. This flattered her, but she knew that I spoke only 
through courtesy and had no serious intention. I learned 
that her father had planned to marry her to a wealthy 
widower. She told me that she hated a widower, that she 
would never marry a man who had given the better part of 
his life — his youth — to another woman. While she con- 
fessed that she loved the doctor, she remarked that there was 
one thing she did not like about him: she could not tell 
whether he was a Jew or a German. 

Because she was the eldest of a family of girls, she ex- 
plained, her mother was anxious for her to marry before any 
of her sisters, because when the young sisters marry first the 
older ones are likely to become spinsters. Of course, while 
a large family of girls must be a source of great delight to 
parents, it must nevertheless keep the poor mother worried. 
For she must see to it that each girl is afforded her rightful 
opportunity to capture a husband. And it is no small thing 
for the girl who is approaching spinsterhood to be forced to 
compete in the matrimonial market with her younger, 
prettier sisters. It must be a serious problem for the mother 
to keep the younger fry in the background while big sister 
lands her man. For men are always on the alert for the sight 
of a pretty young face and are wont to ignore the older, 
plainer ones. 

Often the young sisters insist upon coming into the 
parlor to help entertain the young man who calls upon the 
older girl. So it is not surprising that the latter is forced to 
appeal to the mother to give her a chance. Even mothers 
know that young men are not likely to be fascinated with a 
girl of thirty when the smiles of eighteen are luring them away, 
even though women are likely to be wiser and truer at thirty 
than when in their teens. 

But enough of the troubles of landing a husband in the 
face of sharp competition ! 


36 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


That evening I called on the doctor to report the progress 
I had made. He was anxious to hear what I had to tell. 

“Did you see Eleanor ?” was his first question. 

“Of course I did,” I replied. “I’ve been out with her 
all afternoon in an auto.” This was departing from the 
truth, but I wanted to see what he would say. He made no 
reply, but his snapping eyes proved that he was jealous. 

“In order to plead your cause in quiet,” I continued, “I 
hired an auto and had a pleasant ride in the country with 
Eleanor. We got the auto at that old livery-stable near the 
depot, — the one which has been made into a garage.” 
(Even in Haparanda the auto has become common, and the 
livery-stables are rapidly being converted into garages. 
In the olden days, in most places in Europe, the livery- 
stables and the post-office generally constituted the trysting 
places of the young people. The post-office, of course, was 
more brilliantly illuminated, and the livery-stables therefore 
were more desirable. The liverymen of those days con- 
stituted a type that was picturesque in the extreme, being 
distinguished by wide-brimmed hats and a fondness for 
chewing tobacco. Most of them had dyed whiskers. How 
things change! Nowadays the livery-stable is a garage and 
the old fellows who used to conduct them are young chaps, 
clean shaven, smoking cigarettes.) 

“We sat in the rear seat like a married couple,” I told 
the doctor, “and skimmed down the road toward Lulea. 
We passed many autoists on the road, and all were having 
troubles with tires and the other difficulties that accompany 
the sport of motoring. Some were changing tires, others 
fussing with engines, and yet others pouring water on hot 
bearings. They all seemed to be happy and cheerful and 
saluted us gayly as we passed. I suppose they soothed them- 
selves with the belief that before long we who so proudly rode 
past them would be in trouble also. And they were right, 
for a little later in turning a corner we smashed into a large 
touring car, and our car crumpled up like a concertina. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


37 


And there wasn’t even a policeman near to tell how it hap- 
pened. Eleanor and I were in danger of being killed, but 
I seized her in my arms and sprang from the machine just 
as the crash came. We landed in a ditch full of water and 
were not hurt. The driver was not to blame; the accident 
was the result of the miserable sandy road. We managed to 
get the car to the nearest village, where the blacksmith, a 
mighty man like myself, with large sinewy hands and a 
powerful physique, told us he could repair it in a few days. 
Then by good fortune another auto happened along and 
brought us back to Haparanda.” 

By this time the doctor was jumping about like a gadfly 
in a glass pot, so angry that he could not speak. 

“Well,” I continued, taunting him further, “I saved 
Eleanor’s life. I feel that one who performs so daring a 
feat is entitled to a greater reputation for heroism than you 
can ever gain by administering your dope to the pigs and 
chickens and dogs. And the girl thinks so, too, for she has 
promised to marry me. So you needn’t worry about her 
any more. She is mine now.” 

Hirschfield was wild with fury. He wanted to fight. 
But I was bigger and heavier than he, and he hesitated; and 
after a time I explained that I had told him the outlandish 
story just to teach him to show a little good sense. Then he 
became calm, and seemed rather to enjoy the fun I had had at 
his expense. I thought then that perhaps he would recon- 
sider his determination to commit suicide. 

Then I told him all that Eleanor had said: that she 
loved him and would gladly marry him if her parents would 
consent, but that her father had arranged for her to marry the 
old widower. I advised him to visit the old wizard Sharkel, 
who was quite capable in handling such affairs. Sharkel 
was a Lapp who lived in the cliffs in the mountains. In his 
youth he had known an old fairy, who had taught him many 
of her sorceries. Old Sharkel was believed by the people of 
Haparanda to have miraculous power to cure diseases of 


38 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


domestic animals, and I could not see any good reason why 
he could not as well cure heart troubles such as afflicted my 
two friends. 

He refused to interview the old quack, so I next suggested 
an old witch named Maja Lisa, who was very old and much 
experienced in such matters. She 
was so old she had forgotten when 
she was born, but she was full 
of tricks. She lived in company 
with a rattlesnake and a raven 
with a long crooked bill like her 
own. She was not a beauty. She 
had a nose like a parrot, and so 
far as symmetry of shape was 
concerned, she resembled a cow 
which has been blown up by eat- 
ing too much fresh clover. 

Maja Lisa kept regular hours 
like a physician. The best time 
to see her was at midnight, pref- 
erably on a Thursday evening. 
She could be located by standing 
at the foot of an old oak tree, 
holding one’s hands at one’s breast, closing the eyes, and 
calling her three times by name. Immediately she would 
appear, ready to lend her assistance in any possible way. 

As it happened, this was Thursday evening, and the doc- 
tor could easily have arranged to meet the old witch, but 
the sky was hidden by clouds, and the air oozed dampness. 
So Hirschfield declined to seek her. 

But he felt much encouraged, I could see. Our con- 
versation had brightened him, and his burden of discontent 
seemed to drop from his shoulders. Yet only one thought 
possessed him : how was he to win that girl, the girl whom he 
worshiped to the very tips of her graceful fingers, the vision 
of whose lovely face kept him in a paradise upon earth? 



Maja Lisa 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 39 

There was nothing too foolhardy for him to do if only he 
might thereby evade the plans her father had made. 

The doctor was an impatient fellow, and subject to 
morbid imaginings. If a day passed without his seeing 
Eleanor and holding her in his arms, he was torn with doubt 
and worry, swearing that she no longer loved him. And he 
censured me, not because I was responsible for his mis- 
fortunes, but because I did not find a solution for his diffi- 
culties. He felt that I could aid him in a practical manner 
if I would do so. 

“My friend, ,, he remarked to me one day, “ten years ago 
I could have married the best girl in the world, but my habit 
of wandering spoiled it all. Now I feel ready to settle down 
and marry some nice girl like Eleanor, and live happily with 
her. I have seen enough of the world.” 

I advised him to marry some rich widow, but he replied 
that he feared that venturing into matrimony with a widow 
might prove to be rough sailing. 


Chapter IV 

“The matrimonial interests of a widow,” the doctor lec- 
tured to me later, “despite the fact that they are her own 
affair and hers only, are difficult. For every one knows her, 
and takes a lively interest in her affairs, especially if she is 
seen in the company of marriageable men. Spinsters 
especially, with fear and jealousy, watch the widow’s efforts 
to capture a man; for the matrimonial market is never over- 
crowded with eligible men, and the widow, having had one, 
is considered selfish if she strives to get another before the 
spinsters have had their chance.” 

The widow skirmishes around like a careful general 
selecting a point of vantage. She manages to be invited out 
to dinner, and if the choice is left to her she selects a place 
where she may be left alone with her victim. Once alone the 
conversation naturally is led into such channels as will make 
it possible for her to make known the fact that she wants 
to be loved once more, that she feels entitled to the priv- 
ilege of having as much happiness as any other woman. 
And, as a matter of fact, it would seem that the widow 
should be permitted to crowd into her life as much of love 
and joy and cheerfulness as she can get. She wants a 
companion in her joyfulness, and an agreeable one at that. 
It’s her own business, and if she is better equipped through 
past experience to capture the man she wants than is the 
spinster, the more pity to the spinster, that’s all. 

The widow has a distinct advantage in that she knows her 
own mind. She is no longer a young girl with vagrant 
ideas, vacillating constantly. The widow knows what she 
wants, and gets it, — if not now, then some other time. 
Cupid is just as fond of the widow as of the immature 

40 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


41 


maiden. And the widow is happy in matrimony the second 
time, — and the third and the fourth, too, if need be. 

The writer, during a fishing trip in Norway, — or, to be 
more exact, at Lofoden Island, — met a Norwegian lady, an 
extremely pretty one too, who had then just entered into the 
conjugal state for the fourteenth time. No one can say that 
she was inexperienced. And she was still young, so that 
there was an excellent prospect that she might yet have a 
fifteenth husband. She had done exceedingly well. She 
told me that she had been quite happy with each of her 
husbands. 

But, the doctor wouldn’t have a widow. Only a young 
and chaste maiden would do for him. “You can have all 
the widows,” he blurted out angrily, “and old maids too, 
if you want them. I have found them to be cranky and 
hypercritical and altogether undesirable, though some of 
them may be very sweet and lovable. In my travels I 
have met many old maids and widows, and I have found all 
of them to be severe, complaining, and fond of wounding 
a fellow’s heart. Here in Haparanda even some of them have 
taunted me with the fact that the old tanner would never let 
me marry his daughter, — as though they hoped I would turn 
to one of them for comfort. I told them to go where the 
red pepper grows! 

“Besides, they are jealous, and as insinuating as the 
serpent in the garden. I suppose we may as well blame it 
on our ancesters who were tempted and ruined by the 
serpent. It is strange how jealous they are of one another 
and they love one another just as Eve loved the snake. 
And these jealous ones are always fond of offering advice 
upon matters in which they have no right to interfere, — 
pests who swoop down upon one like an eagle upon an un- 
protected sparrow. There are others who derive much 
pleasure from making suggestive remarks about the hypo- 
critical insincerity of their betters. And still others who, — 
prejudiced critics! — are forever spilling vituperation and 


42 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


wrath upon innocent sufferers. I’m so disgusted with them 
all that I’m tired of life.” 

Truly, Hirschfield behaved like a man tired of life. It 
was easily seen that the probability of losing the girl upon 
whom he had set his heart had soured his heretofore quite 
lovable disposition. 

The next day I met Eleanor again. And during our con- 
versation I learned that her father had forbidden her even to 
speak to the doctor. She told me that her father had learned 
that Hirschfield owed a sum of money to the hotel-keeper for 
refreshments, — liquids probably, — which he had neglected 
to pay. I was surprised to learn this, for Hirschfield and 
I had been much together and I observed that he paid his 
bills just as I did mine. 

At any rate, when the tanner had been told by Mr. 
Wong, the hotel keeper, that Hirschfield owed him money for 
refreshments, the old man hurried home and forbade his 
daughter having any further intercourse with such a penni- 
less adventurer. 

I was much amazed and grieved to learn of this new com- 
plication, but I tried to appear cheerful. And when we parted 
I pressed her hand and spoke a few encouraging words in the 
hope that she might be brought to feel that hope still existed. 

“I hope you will have good news for me when next we 
meet,” I said. “But even if you have not, you should con- 
sider that it is ‘better to have loved and lost than never to 
have loved at all.’ ” 

Whereupon she smiled again and left me. 

That evening I called upon the doctor. I had scarcely 
entered the house when he seized my hand and asked, anx- 
iously, if had I seen her. 

“No,” I answered simply, and began to pet the dog, 
which looked at me with a peculiar “Oh- just-pet-me-too” 
expression in his soft eyes. I always tried to be on friendly 
terms with that dog. Sometimes I felt that the animal was 
entitled to greater respect than his owner. 





The First Lodge 




Chapter V 

Inasmuch as the doctor’s apartment is an important factor 
in this tale, being the scene of my initiation into the T-T 
Order as well as the place where I conceived the idea of 
writing this book, a description of his home may not be amiss. 
The accompanying illustration will serve to give the reader a 
fair impression of the exterior of the house, which was a 
frame dwelling of two stories and a cellar. “Swatty,” the 
doctor’s dog, with flashy fur and pointed nose, stands at the 
end of the building. 

The upper floor contained but one room, a dull sort of 
place, but scrupulously clean. The walls were of thin boards, 
covered with red paper. The furniture was simple: a 
wooden bed, a table, and two chairs. The table was com- 
posed of an old barrel upon which rested a wooden door. 
The tablecloth was an old shawl. 

Near the bed stood a trunk covered with “damp-skib” 
labels, proving that it had traveled much. This was the 
doctor’s wardrobe. Near the door stood a washstand, and 
above this was a mirror. Beneath the washstand was the 
dog’s bed, — an old bag. Above the trunk hung a bamboo- 
framed picture of an Oriental hunter, a hunting gun, and a 
waldhorn. 

The doctor’s greatest treasure was the picture of an 
Oriental princess whom he had met in his travels. She was 
very beautiful, with black shiny hair and eyelashes, and about 
her neck hung many handsome ornaments. The doctor 
told me that he had flirted outrageously with her and had 
eventually fallen in love with her. I believe he still loved her, 
for he had hung the picture above the foot of his bed, where it 
would be the last thing seen at night and the first thing upon 

43 


44 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


which his eyes would rest in the morning. He was very 
proud of the princess, and could not be blamed for adoring 
her, for she was as beautiful as a goddess. He kept the 
picture constantly decorated with flowers. 

Before the bed was a real Oriental rug, which the doctor 
assured me he had seen in process of making in Smyrna. 
Altogether, the room was neater than most other homes 
in that place where luxury is practically unknown. 

One evening the doctor and I sat on the edge of the bed 
while he played on his waldhorn a sonorous Italian tune 
which he had learned in Naples. He called it a devil-tune, 
and it surely sounded devilish, especially in those parts in 
which he was accompanied by the howling of his dog, which 
he had trained to assist in the rendition. 

After he stopped playing he noticed the Masonic button 
which I always wear on the lapel of my coat. I told him 
what it represented, whereupon he told me that he too was 
a member of a secret order, the oldest in the world. I was 
surprised, for I had no idea that he was a lodge man, and I 
led him to talk of his order. At first, he refused to tell me 
the name of it, saying simply that it was founded by Noah, 
but finally it developed that among its members it was 
known as the T-T Order. “Just say T-T-O,” he said, “and 
any member will know what you mean.” 

For a time he would tell me no more, but finally he said 
that he had been thinking of establishing a branch lodge in 
Haparanda, and that if I would assist him he would confer 
upon me the ninety-ninth degree. I was amazed at this, for 
though I am a thirty-second degree Mason, I had never heard 
of any order which boasted of ninety-nine degrees. I had 
ridden the goat many times, served on many committees, 
studied history and written a number of books on sociological 
subjects, but I had never in my experience come upon any 
mention of a lodge with ninety -nine degrees. 

I was much interested, and agreed to help him. I felt 
that since it was to cost me nothing, I would take a chance at 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


45 


it — “lose the horse or win the saddle,” so to speak. And 
when he told me to prepare for the work at once so that I 
could take the entire ninety-nine degrees that same evening, 
I became enthusiastic, especially when he promised that, in 
case his affair with Eleanor should come to naught, he 
would make me Grand Master of the order in his stead. 

He became merry as a lark and ordered me to kneel and 
take the oath of the order. I refused. 

“Doc, do you think I am a fool?” I asked. “Do you 
think I am going to bind myself by an oath to your tricks? 
Well, I won’t. If you cannot trust my word, I sha’nt take 
yours.” 

The oath was dispensed with, for the doctor, glancing at 
my Masonic button, seemed to be convinced of my sincerity. 
“If you will agree to tell none of the secrets of this great 
order,” he said, “I will be satisfied and we will proceed with 
the initiation.” 


Chapter VI 

My initiation into the T-T Order was interesting. With 
only the dog as a witness, the doctor faced me and lectured 
me as follows : 

“My friend and brother, I wish first to impress upon you 
that the secrets of this order are very mysterious, very 
difficult, very complicated. The mysteries are so deep and 
profound, so abstract, and so gripping and impossible, that 
they can scarcely be properly interpreted even by members 
of the order. And as for outsiders, — that is, non-members, 
— they can by no possibility understand, because of our 
mysterious characteristics. In short, they are so incom- 
prehensible that even a member, should he prove to be false 
in heart and seek to betray our secrets, would find it im- 
possible to make others understand. But the would-be 
betrayer would ever thereafter suffer from inexpressible 
anguish of soul, and horrible thoughts of everlasting punish- 
ment would torture him perpetually. Remember that, my 
brother. 

“Furthermore, his head is likely to be crushed by an un- 
seen force and scattered to the four winds of heaven; so you 
will understand, my brother, that it is very dangerous to 
undertake any wrongdoing to this order. But if you are 
true and faithful, and above all, if you keep the secrets of 
the order, no harm can come to you, no danger will await 
you. 

“You will now kneel and pray. When you feel at peace 
with all the world, arise and say ‘Emanuel’ and we will pro- 
ceed.” This I did. “Now, brother,” continued the doctor, 
“I want you to know that even should some outsider gain 
knowledge of the secrets of this order, it is impossible for him 

46 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 47 

to do any harm, because he will find himself controlled by 
a mysterious force that prevents his understanding any- 
thing that he has seen or heard. He will have no idea of 
the meaning of anything within this order: so clever, so 
puzzling, and so unintelligible and complicated are the 
secrets of this order. The secrets have been kept, since the 
establishment of the order in the days of Noah, in the ar- 
chives in our temple in Gee-hoo-sa-lem. 

“The lecture of the first degree concerns the fairies of 
underground people who formerly existed in grottoes in 
Ireland and Lapland. The second-degree lecture is the 
story of the devil-demons, with which you are already 
familiar. I shall therefore proceed with the lecture of the 
third degree, to which I ask you to listen carefully. 

“This order, my brother, was in olden times — cen- 
turies ago — conducted by monks who were the possessors 
of large collections of costly and beautiful ornaments of 
silver and gold. They had also much costly embroidery and 
many gorgeous robes in all colors. These treasures were 
kept in the several lodges for use in the ceremonials. The 
order was very wealthy, the treasures being extremely 
valuable. The monks were possessed also of much private 
wealth, treasures of gold and silver and precious stones. 
Many dreadful things resulted from their hoarding of these 
treasures. The monks lived in monasteries where they 
guarded the treasures, while the plain people spent most of 
their time at war with other peoples. The War of the Roses 
was one of these. 

“Later the monks took refuge in cloisters, the ruins of 
wdiich can be seen in many parts of Europe to-day. 

“Besides guarding their treasures, the monks spent much 
time in writing. It was their duty to keep the people in- 
formed of the events of the times. There were no news- 
papers in those days, and no paper. All writing was done 
on parchment, made from the skins of sheep. The charac- 
ters of the alphabet were large and represented living 


48 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


creatures, and the writings of the monks were embellished, 
as may be seen to-day in their old chronicles, with handsome 
initial letters done in bright colors, — blue, crimson, purple 
and gold, and so forth. And the monks spent their spare 
time making beautiful ornaments of silver and gold and 
precious stones with which to decorate their monasteries. 

‘‘They wrote prodigiously, and their chronicles dealt 
chiefly with the activities of saints and other great personal- 
ities. It may be considered strange that they wrote no 
stories, for the world has always been interested in fiction. 
But the work of story-telling was relegated to other writers. 
And the world ever since has been filled with story-writers, 
each trying to make his heroes more perfect than any other. 

“This my brother, will end the lecture of the third de- 
gree.’ ’ 


Chapter VII 

“We will now skip a few degrees,” said the doctor, “in 
order to save time, and proceed with the lecture of the sev- 
enth degree. 

“My brother, as there are seven days in the week, and as 
the seventh is considered the greatest and best, so also 
should you find the lecture of the seventh degree the most 
interesting you have yet heard. 

“It is a fact, brother, that among societies, as well as 
churches and other organizations, people feel a jealous pref- 
erence for one above the others, just as the snake was 
jealous of the woman in Paradise. And the Christian 
nations of the earth suffered much from the jealousies of the 
Mohammedans, who in color much resemble mulattos. 

“These people lived in Arabia and their city of Mecca was 
considered a holy city. In their mosques were placed images 
of a god which they called Allah, in which they believed and 
placed their faith. Also in the principal mosque was a large 
stone, called Kaaba, which was popularly believed to be 
a ruby fallen from heaven. This stone was sacred, and was 
protected from the profaning touch of common mortals. 

“These people were called Mohammedans because of the 
prophet Mohammed, who preached to them. At any rate 
they believed he preached only to them, for Arabians are 
much like other sects in that they believe themselves holier 
than believers in any other religion. Even to-day in this 
sinful world there are those who believe they are better than 
others. They are entitled to this privilege if they can 
prove it. 

“As I said, Mohammed preached to the Arabians. They 
did not believe him at first, and drove him out of their city. 


50 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


But he returned and finally convinced them that Allah was 
their rightful god. Then they destroyed all their old idols 
and worshiped Allah alone. And Mohammed preached 
Allah to them until they became so fanatic that they be- 
lieved the whole world should worship their god with the 
same faith and fervor which they felt. And they ravaged 
every near-by nation, demanding that the neighboring 
peoples acknowledge their god. This resulted in the Cru- 
sades of the Christian nations, of which of course you have 
heard. 

“Wherever they went the Mohammedans erected beauti- 
ful mosques, gorgeously decorated with domes and minarets, 
as well as handsome palaces. And towns, surrounded by 
high walls, grew up about these palaces. The streets of 
these towns were very narrow and in places the upper stories 
of the buildings projected out over the streets, making the 
passages dark and gloomy. 

“In one street lived the hat-makers, in another the 
tailors, in another the shoe-makers, — only one class of trades- 
men being permitted in each street. These trades were 
united in guilds, and the more prominent members were 
selected as leaders and inspectors to see that nothing but the 
best work was produced. The tradesmen made their own 
goods, and traveled in large caravans from place to place, 
marketing their wares. Very long journeys were sometimes 
undertaken. 

“The people became prosperous, more and more castles 
and palaces were erected, and the population increased. So 
also increased the prosperity and population of the Christians 
whose monks and believers worshiped in abbeys. The 
Christians also built beautiful temples with enormous pillars 
and windows with arches; with here and there designs such 
as griffins, dragons, and imps, carved in the stone. In fact, 
some of the designs with which they decorated their houses of 
worship would to-day be considered more appropriate for 
theaters, museums, and such. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


51 


“Later, in the thirteenth century, temples and churches 
were built in what is called Gothic style. These are grand 
structures, many of which can be seen in Europe to this day. 
They have arch-shaped pointed windows, with strong sup- 
porting columns decorated with graceful clusters. The 
interior of the temple was decorated with beautiful designs, 
and statues of saints, kings, and Apostles, as well as martyrs, 
angels, and the Christ. In the choir by the altar graceful 
flowers and vines were carved in the wood and marble. 
The windows were of stained glass in ruby, green, and purple, 
and other gorgeous colors. I speak thus at length of the 
temples because much of the mystery of this order is hidden 
among their walls. And I so particularly mention the windows 
because they were made up of bits of glass, in the shape of 
rose petals. They were therefore called rose-windows, 
which might as well have been ‘Roselund ’-windows. They 
were very handsome, those windows; in fact, the builders of 
those churches did everything on so grand a scale that it 
seems they must have felt that they were building a residence 
for Christ himself. 

“This, brother, ends the seventh-degree lecture. We 
will now proceed with the tenth.” 


Chapter VIII 

“In this tenth-degree lecture I wish to remind you of the 
ten golden rules laid down by Moses for our guidance. And 
to further illustrate their application, I shall add a number of 
donts which, as a true and faithful T-T-0 brother, you will 
strive ever to bear in mind. 

“If you are visiting in a strange town, don’t associate 
with strangers; they may wrong you. And don’t think you 
own the town; there are others there who have prior rights: 
you are not the first squatter. And don’t think that the 
police or anyone else should be responsible for you; you must 
look out for yourself. 

“If you hold an atlas in your hand, don’t think you 
are holding the world; because you are like a goldfish in 
a glass globe: you may be expected to show what you 
know. 

“If you are visiting a friend, don’t think you are the 
only interesting person present; there are others. Don’t 
stay in a cheap hotel; you may have company you do not 
like. 

“Don’t mistreat your landlady; some of them are among 
the best souls in the world. And don’t think, because ‘land ’ 
is a part of her title, that you are landing a fish. Don’t 
be angry if the chamber-maid smiles at you; that’s a habit 
she has. And don’t be discouraged if you find things mis- 
placed after the dusting-lady has been through your room; 
it’s only her way. 

“Don’t be afraid to show that you are a gentleman; other- 
wise people may think you were reared in a barn. Don’t 
try to make a royal residence of your room; they may raise 
your rate. Don’t be alarmed if the rugs are unclean; the 

52 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


53 


dirtier they are the more Oriental they appear, and much 
sweeping is saved. 

“Don’t expect to have a roll-top desk or an iron safe in 
your room; you may go broke and have nothing to put in 
them. Don’t play the piano all night; some people like to 
sleep. Don’t carry a cane; something may happen to require 
you to carry one. Don’t wear crazy clothes; people are 
likely to blame you, not the clothes. Don’t hesitate to 
make friends; they may be heaven-sent: hold those you have 
and feel lucky if you can gain more. 

“Don’t think that friends and acquaintances are identi- 
cal; there’s a big difference between the fellow you give a 
cigarette and the one to whom you gladly offer your pocket- 
book. 

“Don’t shake hands with a clam; it may distrust you. 
Don’t pick up things with high heels on the street; only 
horseshoes are supposed to bring good fortune. Don’t 
hesitate to listen to the opinions of others; the world did not 
begin with you and will not end with you. Don’t forget the 
little things; people notice how you give or receive a match. 
Don’t fail to make money when you have the opportunity; 
it’s a handy thing to have. 

“Don’t try to imitate some one else; you will best suc- 
ceed by .acting yourself. Don’t fail to keep an eye on your 
bank account; no one can afford to go below par. 

“Don’t neglect your health; good health will make you 
feel like a king. 

“Don’t think the fault lies always with the other fellow; 
perhaps it is with you. Don’t be a fool; it shows your 
habits. Don’t think others can make a man of you; that 
is up to you. 

“And don’t wear whiskers. You are likely to be mis- 
taken for a quack, and be compelled to take out a license. 
Whiskers do not impress the ladies, no matter how much you 
trim, dye, comb, or curl them. The lion has some reason 
for his mane, for it protects his neck from the teeth of other 


54 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


animals when fighting. Perhaps also our ancestors had reason 
for wearing whiskers, because they fought with their teeth 
and the whiskers prevented easy access to the jugular vein. 
But nowadays whiskers are not only unornamental but 
useless. 

“So, brother, ends the lecture of the tenth degree. We 
will jump now to the thirty-fourth. ,, 


Chapter IX 

“In this lecture, my brother, we go back to the days of 
the mummies. Hundreds of years ago the Egyptians 
believed that, when one's life came to an end, the soul could 
be retained within the body if properly cared for and pre- 
served; that the spirit would remain with the bones until 
even these decayed. 

“In order to preserve the body as long as possible the 
relatives and friends of the deceased carefully embalmed it; 
the poor very simply of course, but the rich in a manner very 
splendid and costly. The embalming was done in this 
manner : First of all, the brain and bowels were removed from 
the body and purified with costly oils and perfumes. The 
body was laid in a strong solution of acid for a period of 
seventy days. By that time the flesh had all disappeared, 
only the skeleton remaining. The brain and bowels were 
now replaced, preserved in oils and perfumes. The skeleton, 
after being covered with a brownish material which replaced 
the flesh, was filled with perfumes and spices and wrapped 
in fine white linen. Upon the breast of the mummy were 
written rules and precepts which were presumed to govern 
its acts in the grave. All this done, the embalmer whispered 
a prayer into the mummy’s ear, and placed it inside a wooden 
cover which had been expertly fashioned into an exact like- 
ness of the deceased. The mummy now looked quite like 
a living person. 

“The funeral followed. Slaves carried the tools of the 
grave, while the mummy reposed upon a cart drawn by oxen. 
In this manner it was conducted to its new home in the 
grave. Mourners hired by the relatives walked in the funeral 
cortege, tearing their clothes, pulling their hair, throwing 

55 


56 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


ashes over their heads, and crying loudly. The surviving 
relatives and friends twisted their hands and sobbed sorrow- 
ful dirges until the grave-place was reached, — usually a 
cave among the mountains, — where the mummy was placed 
in an upright position in one of the inner chambers. The 
grave contained several chambers, according to the wealth 
of the survivors, and was filled with wines and food, with 
which the mummy might regale himself as he desired. 

“The spirit of life was now supposed to have entered the 
mummy, and it was believed that he could eat, drink, and 
be as merry as ever; that he could dress himself for feasts, 
and go to bed with a drop too much of wine if it pleased him 
to do so. In fact, the mummy was supplied with everything 
to keep him happy; and often during each year, especially 
just before feast days, the relatives would bring new sup- 
plies. Jugs and bottles filled with wine, and the meat from 
butchered oxen, were placed in the storeroom, and new 
clothes were hung up in the wardrobe. Nobody could be 
better prepared for enjoyment than the mummies. 

“The walls of the grave were gaily decorated with paint- 
ings and hieroglyphics depicting scenes and events in the life 
of the deceased person. The mummy w~as thought to have 
the power to command his slaves, to eat and drink and be 
merry, and to be put to bed by his slaves when he became 
sleepy or drunk. 

“Really, it was a pleasure to be a mummy. Also it was 
pleasant to be one of the many loafers who called on the 
mummy frequently, helped themselves to his food and wines, 
and a suit of his clothes if they needed it. These fellows 
would sit around and keep the mummy company, play a few 
games of cards with him, and then depart, promising to re- 
turn soon for another visit. 

“Thus ends, my brother, the lecture of the thirty- 
fourth degree.” 


Chapter X 

By the time the foregoing lecture was completed the doctor 
was tired of talking and was forced to moisten his lips with 
water. Then, accompanied by the dog, he walked around 
the house to make sure no intruders were near. When he 
came in again he closed the door carefully and hung an old 
shawl over the window. He opened his trunk and took 
therefrom an old hunting-cup, which he filled with alcohol 
and lighted. It gave forth a ghastly, greenish light. 

Now he knocked several times upon the floor, explaining 
the meaning of each knock. The dog, alarmed, rushed 
barking from under the bed, thinking no doubt that we were 
about to be intruded upon by outsiders. At the doctor’s 
command the dog lay down again. 

Then with his brass-handled knife, the doctor raised a 
loose board from the floor and took out from beneath it a 
skull, — a real human skull, — a rusty sword, and a police- 
man’s club. The sight of the club frightened me, for I 
feared he intended to beat the secrets of the order into me. 

He laid these gloomy articles on the table. The alcohol 
torch cast a grim and ghastly light upon them, and I felt 
a shiver run up my spine. I felt inclined to seize the club 
and use it myself. But a glance at the dog, who was the 
doctor’s friend, deterred me. I felt that it would be unsafe 
to attempt violence. The doctor, observing my nervousness, 
grasped my arm and with flashing eyes said: “My brother, 
now that you have beheld these sacred relics, — the Paradise 
Sword, the Club of Cain, and the Skull of Noah, — you are in 
everlasting possession of these mysterious relics. You are 
a member of the order, and entitled to all its rights and 
privileges. Further secrets should be explained to you, my 

57 


58 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

brother, but we cannot waste time in conversation. How- 
ever, you are now exposed to all temptations in all positions, 
upon your feet or lying down, within the lodge or without.” 

He ordered me to take up the sword and to hold my left 
hand at my breast while he said: “In the name of Noah, 
I hereby install you as the Cere- 
mony Master of the Sword, fully 
entitled to all the honors of 
the ninety-ninth degree, next in 
honor to the one hundredth de- 
gree, which as Grand Master I 
myself hold; from me you will 
henceforth receive your orders.” 
Holding the sword over my head 
he continued: “Be brave and 
worthy, my brother, in your office 
of Ceremony Master, and use this 
sword freely in your defense and 
in the defense of this order. Have 
the courage of your forefathers 
and neglect not your duties.” 
He then handed the club to 
me, saying : “ Use this club, my brother, in your own defense, 
as Cain did.” Then he took up the waldhorn and played 
a tune of the Old Nick, in which the dog joined as usual. 
I thought of course that this was a part of the ceremony and 
was much abashed when the doctor ceased playing and began 
to laugh at the top of his voice. Thinking he was laughing 
at me, I became furious, and, had it not been that I feared 
the dog, I would have used the club upon him then. 

But he seized my hand, and, still laughing, said:' “Well, 
how do you like the T-T Order, and how did you enjoy the 
initiation? How do you like the idea of being a ninety-ninth 
degree member, as well as Ceremony Master of the Sword?” 

“Thanks, Doc,” I replied, “I feel quite well considering 
the circumstances; but what the dickens are you laughing at?” 



The Paradise Sword 



The Club of Cain 



The Skull of Noah 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 59 

“I was thinking,” he said, “of the fun we are going to 
have together out of this thing. You know Gust and 
Charley ? Well, I have told them of the order, and they wish 
to join us. You and I will initiate them to-morrow, Sunday . 
Being a holiday we will all have plenty of time. And we 
will charge them a small fee for initiation, and spend it in a 
little celebration afterward. Are you with me?” 

Beginning to see the possibility of some fun, I assured 
him that I was. 

“Well, now,” he continued, his eyes sparkling in anticipa- 
tion of the fun, “I will post you now as to your part of the 
work. Your duties will be simple and easy. All you need 
do is to blindfold them and bring them before me. When I 
order you to cut off the head of the candidate — when I 
say * Phuytt !’ — do not hesitate, but chop off his head at 
once and hand it to me. His hands will be tied, so you will 
be in no danger.” 

“But see here. Doc,” I remonstrated, “I’m not going 
to cut anybody’s head off. If there is any cutting in this 
game, you’ll have to do it, — I won’t.” He had spoken so 
earnestly that I thought he meant it, but he explained that 
I was simply to pretend to cut the candidate’s head off. 
And with this I was satisfied. But just the same, when I 
went to bed that night at the hotel, I could not sleep. As 
soon as I closed my eyes I dreamed I heard him say 
“Phuytt!” and I jumped out of bed fully expecting to find a 
gory head lying on the floor. I climbed back into bed and 
counted one hundred, then seven hundred, and finally sev- 
enty-five thousand, but it didn’t help me. 


Chapter XI 

When I awoke next morning — it was nearly noon, in truth 
— my eyelids stuck together so that I could hardly open 
them. After dinner I strolled over to the doctor’s. He 
was busy cleaning the cellar and I could smell “das be- 
wustsein” blocks away. I told him that the smell was far 
from appetizing, and he replied that if I had some cigars we 
could easily drive “das bewustsein” away. Fortunately 
I had some cigars, and soon we were puffing away at them 
so energetically that we smoked out all the flies and bugs 
and other insects that had taken up quarters in the cellar. 

He had arranged the cellar as a lodge room. Before the 
altar, which was composed of two barrels and an old door, 
was a pillow. Not far from the altar was a chopping- 
block where the head-cutting operation was to be per- 
formed. In the east corner was the throne, another old 
barrel covered with red and yellow paper. 

The sword, the club, and the skull lay on the altar, and 
into the alcohol cup the doctor had poured some saffron, 
salt, and camphor, which he said would make an even more 
ghastly light than the alcohol. 

Doc was tired, and no wonder; for he had been out most 
of the night hunting old barrels and boards with which to 
prepare for our guests. He had closed up every crack and 
cranny, so that no one could see into the place and learn what 
we were doing. And with the door closed the cellar was as 
dark as Egypt. 

We sat and smoked for a time. Soon, however, he was 
up and at it again. He inspected the door, to make sure that 
it could be tightly closed. Then he placed upon the wall a 
heavy piece of cardboard, upon which he drew with a piece 

60 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 61 

of phosphorus the emblem of the order. In the darkness of 
the cellar this shone out in deep flashing colors. 

We robed ourselves in bed sheets, the doctor wearing a 
bishop’s hat made of cardboard decorated with gold leaf. 
He wore a buckler, also of cardboard, and at his breast 
hung the design of the emblem, done in red chalk. From 
his waist and shoulders depended iron chains. 

We covered our faces with masks, which the doctor had 
used at a masquerade ball in Germany,. We looked as 
though we had just emerged from the grave. 

While we waited for the candidates we smoked and planned 
for their reception. Precisely at eight o’clock they appeared, 
fortunately walking into the doctor’s apartment without 
knocking. I went up into the house and greeted them affa- 
bly, — I was acquainted with both of them, — had them write 
their names in a small book and collected their initiation fees. 

Then I told them that the rules required them to be 
blindfolded, to which they consented after some demur. 
Then I tied their hands behind them. This I did with par- 
ticular care, for I knew they were going to be handled roughly 
and I wanted no knots to come untied. For my own pro- 
tection I made a good job of it. 

I then explained to them that they were pilgrims about 
to journey to Gee-hoo-sa-lem, and that as the road was a 
rough one they must endeavor to be brave. Then I re- 
ported to the doctor that the first candidate was ready. 
He was laughing in anticipation of the fun, and I feared the 
victims might hear him, so I took the Cain club and knocked 
upon the floor of the house from within the cellar, while the 
doctor with the sword made a fearful noise, striking sparks 
from nail heads and stones, rattling his chains, and through 
an old milk-measure chanted several pages from an old al- 
manac, calling out the names of Jerrubaal and other patri- 
archs of old, the names of the days of the week, the zodiac, 
the weather prophecy, the travel of the sun and moon and 
other planets, all of which served to mystify the candidates. 


62 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


While he did this I lighted a fire of birchwood, the smoke 
of which ascended through the cracks of the floor, fumigating 
the house. With his stick of phosphorus the doctor bright- 
ened up the emblem of the order, so that it should shine 
brightly when the candidates were brought into the cellar. 
Then he lighted the alcohol torch and placed it inside the 
skull. The greenish, ghostly light emanating from the eye- 
sockets and the nostrils was a ghastly sight, well calculated 
to strike terror to the heart of anyone. 

I now repaired to the upper room, where the candidates 
were attempting to hide the fear that was already upon them. 
Both assured me that they did not fear “ riding the goat.” 
I read a short prayer to them, and gave each a mouthful of 
bread and water, explaining that they should not start upon 
the journey without food. Then I again carefully examined 
their bonds. I wanted to make sure there would be no slip- 
ping of the knots. 

Then I seized the smaller one, Charley, and started 
with him to the cellar. But Gust, who was a big, burly fel- 
low, insisted upon going first. Immediately I discovered 
that I had a man-sized problem. The fellow was strong as a 
bear, and I looked forward to a tussle in case he objected to 
some of the rites. Gust was Eleanor’s brother, a big, strong 
chap of twenty-seven, just in the prime of his life. I felt 
glad that I had tied his hands so securely. If I hadn’t, in 
all probability the doctor and I would have been initiated 
instead of Gust. 

I staggered with him down the stairs, and the moment 
he reached the door he seemed to have had enough, for he 
attempted to break away and run. I slipped a night-gown 
over his head and then found that I could handle him as 
easily as bear with a ring in its nose. Gust was shaking like 
an aspen leaf. 

The Master ordered me to conduct the candidate to the 
altar. I led him around the room several times, and he be- 
came so balky that I feared he might overturn the throne. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 63 

So to further excite him I dropped a couple of nettles down 
his back, which angered him the more. Finally we came for 
the third time to the door, where I gave an alarm, and the 
doctor through the milk-measure shouted “ Hallo !” three 
times. “Who comes there?” he asked in sepulchral tones. 
And I answered by imitating as well as I could the call of 
the cat-owl: “Claywitt! Claywitt! Claywitt!” This imita- 
tion of the bird aroused “Swatty,” who began to bark and 
raised such a commotion that the doctor had to stop his 
mouth with a bag. 

Another alarm at the door. Then the voice within called : 
“Come on! come on! come on! if you are brave and have the 
courage to meet Death so close that you can see the whites 
of his eyes.” 

“We are brave,” I answered. 

“Is the pilgrim pious and orthodox?” was the next 
question. 

“He is,” I replied. “He is full of piety.” 

Now the door swung open, and I entered with the candi- 
date. The phosphoric emblems on the wall and on the Mas- 
ter’s breast shimmered like the Northern Lights. 

I led the candidate to the throne, where the Master 
asked, “Who are you, and what do you desire?” 

“A pilgrim, your Majesty,” I answered, “bound for 
Gee-hoo-sa-lem; he desires to know the secrets of death.” 

“Is the pilgrim dead or alive?” This question puzzled 
me, for the doctor had not told me what answer to give. But 
I answered, “The pilgrim is alive; he is not dead.” 

“Does he desire to die? Is he ready to die?” 

“The pilgrim is ready to die and desires death,” was my 
answer, but evidently he was not, for again he tried to 
break away. 

“What kind of a self-destroyer are you,” roared the 
Master, “who dares to enter this gloomy grave before you 
have been put to death? What is your name? Have you 
any relatives in this grave?” 


64 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


Gust was trying to answer. His lips moved, but no 
sound came forth. He was too frightened. I struck him 
a blow on the head with the Cain club, and that seemed to 
clear his mind. He answered: “My name is Gust Johnson, 
and I have no dead relatives.” 

“Then what do you want here? Why do you come here 
to this land of the dead while you are alive? Do you not 
know that none but the dead are allowed to enter here, with 
their heads, wrapped in white linen, under their arm?” 

Gust tried again to break away, but I had a firm grip 
upon him. I whispered into his ear to say that he wanted to 
be an Ordens-ghost, which he did. But the Master roared: 
“You skulking interloper! Aren’t you aware that before 
you can be an Ordens-ghost you must die? Are you pre- 
pared to die? How do you desire to die, — by a blow from 
the club or by a thrust of the sword?” 

Again the candidate was too frightened to answer, and I 
whispered to him: “For God’s sake, say that you will die by 
the sword, and die bravely.” He remained silent, breath- 
ing heavily, until by another blow from the club I forced 
him to stammer: “I w-wil-1-1 d-die b-by the sw-o-o-ord.” 

At once the Master commanded: “Ceremony Master of 
the Sword, you will conduct the candidate to yonder blood- 
stained block and cut off his head! Phuytt!” I seized the 
candidate to execute the order but he jerked himself loose 
and struggled to escape. In the tussle we fell, I underneath. 
Gust’s weight nearly crushed me. How I thanked my lucky 
stars that his hands were well tied ! The Master at the throne 
was laughing silently, while he shouted, “Cut off his head! 
What’s the matter with you? Phuytt!” And both the 
victim and myself became more and more excited. Gust 
was crying for help, jumping about and whirling like a 
Dervish priest, butting with his head like a Dane. I was 
afraid his friend upstairs might loosen his bonds and come to 
Gust’s assistance. If he had, the doctor and I would have 
suffered. In all likelihood, this story of the ninety-ninth 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


65 


degree would never have been written. However, I managed 
to quiet the candidate and whispered to him that I did not 
intend really to cut off his head, and finally I persuaded him 
to lay his head upon the block. But just as the Master 
again cried “Phuytt!” he let out another Indian yell, threw 
himself upon the floor, kicking and screeching, whirling 
around like a gadfly in a glass bottle, until I was forced to 
hand the grinning skull to the doctor for fear it would be over- 
turned in the scrimmage. Again I explained to him that the 
cutting off of his head was to be only imaginary, got his 
head upon the block, and touched him with the sword. Then 
I forced him to lie upon the floor, pretending to be dead, after 
which I reported to the Master that the pilgrim was dead, 
headless, thoughtless, and harmless, as a real Ordens-ghost 
ought to be. 

Thereupon the Master handed me the Cain club, bidding 
me club wisdom into his thoughtless skull, which I did with a 
will. 

The Master continued: “Be sure, pilgrim, always to tell 
the truth, and naught but the truth,” which advice I clubbed 
into him with a blow upon his right ear. 

“ Second, when you tell the truth yourself, you have the 
right to demand the truth from others.” This I endorsed 
with a rap on the candidate’s left ear. 

‘‘Third, never misunderstand the truth, and make others 
understand you.” I verified this with a lusty smack full in 
his face. 

The Master then held the sword above the candidate’s 
head and said: “Pilgrim, since wisdom has been clubbed 
into your thoughtless brain, and you have experienced Life, 
Death, and Truth, you will now be permitted to participate 
to a limited degree in our underground activities. But 
further to prepare yourself for the work in the grottoes, our 
laws demand that you, in the presence of the Master of the 
Throne and the Ceremony Master of the Sword, and kneel- 
ing before the altar, take oath that you will be a true and 


66 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


faithful member of this order, that you will ever remember 
your duties as a member, which no brother ever yet has 
denied, and which none has ever broken. You will therefore 
kneel, if it is your wish to participate in the work of the 
grottoes, and repeat after me: ‘I, Gust Johnson, do hereby 
swear . . . ” The oath was a long one, the doctor made 

it up as he went along, and, being a bundle of most arrant 
nonsense, I have forgotten it. However, the candidate was 
impressed with the fact that at all times, whether within the 
lodge or without, and without question, he must willingly 
and contentedly obey the Master’s commands, though they 
carried him through fire and flame, to the point of the 
sword or the hard part of the club; that he must strive, — 
and fight, if needed, — in the Master’s behalf ; and that he 
must never surrender the secrets of the order, but forever 
support his Master in whatever undertakings might be 
entrusted to him or imposed upon him. 

The oath administered, the Master dubbed the new 
brother a Knight Companion of the Grottoes, while I rapped 
him three times in the head with the club of Cain. The 
mask was torn from his face, and heavy chains bound about 
his waist and shoulders, after which the Master delivered 
to him the lecture of the thirty -fourth degree. 


Chapter XII 

The Master continued : “ My brother and knight companion, 
within the grottoes darkness prevails, and for our comfort 
lights have been placed in the firmament which in the lan- 
guage of the lodge are called zodiacs. These lights, my 
brother, were believed by the ancients to be symbols typify- 
ing individual characteristics and endeavors, just as our 
learned theologians believe nowadays. As I have told you 
before, you will use your own judgment in determining 
whether you will believe what these persons claim to know. 

“The ancients believed that these planets, or zodiacs, 
possessed the power to influence the dwellers upon this earth, 
to direct their efforts and determine their ends. As you 
may have learned in school. Mercury endows those persons 
who are born under her sign with psychical power, memory, 
and perception. Another great planet, Venus, is known as 
the planet of love, more especially of the conjugal type. 
And Jupiter is supposed to endow those under his protection 
with a love of the sublime and all that is good and grand 
and noble. Neptunus, known as the planet of poetry, will 
interest you and be interested in you if you are a poet. 

“The combination of these planets, evolved from the 
twelve zodiacs and the twelve tribes of Israel, is said to equal 
Reuben, who sees the vision of the sun and whose leading 
characteristics are power of foresight and vision and in- 
tuitive perception. 

“These planets, my brother, are simply other worlds, 
which revolve about the sun, just as does this planet in which 
we live. There are other zodiacs, supposed to be barren 
balls of stone, like the moon and Mercury, and there are 
others which are composed simply of clouds, gas, and 

67 


68 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


vapor, such as Jupiter and Saturn. And there are zodiacs 
which are supposed to support life, — inhabitants much like 
those of the earth, — though probably they are more like 
the monkey. 

“Now, my brother, these are facts worth knowing and 
you have the right to know them. Of course some people 
will try to drive the Bible into your head, which does not 
help a particle when a fellow is trying to earn a living. For 
example, if you are asked a simple question like this : 4 Why 
should any man or woman believe that those far-distant 
masses of common matter influence the character, the 
adventures, the achievements, or the crimes of any of the 
tiny creatures that crawl upon this globe?’ what answer could 
you give to that question? You could not get the answer 
from the Bible. The assertion that these planets do so in- 
fluence us, my brother, is but the purest fancy. There is not 
the slightest scientific evidence to support such a claim. As- 
tronomers, of course, are deeply interested in these planets, 
and certainly we cannot deny that from the viewpoint of the 
historian they have played a great part in the development 
of human society. 

“Kings, warriors, statesmen, priests and popes as well, 
and even the astronomers themselves, in olden times be- 
lieved in the power of the planets. But of course in those 
days real science was unborn, and the ignorance of nature’s 
simplest truths, which was displayed by the so-called 
learned men, exceeded the ignorance of a little child. There 
were times, for example, when great generals were sent out 
with armies to save their countries from invasion and de- 
struction, who wasted time and lost golden opportunities 
awaiting the reports of soothsayers upon the omens derived 
from the appearance of the entrails of animals slain before 
the altar, or even from the direction of the flight of crows. 

“It was one of astrology’s sister sciences that kept the 
Spartans waiting at home for the change of the moon before 
marching to Marathon where the fortunes of Greece and of 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


69 


all the western world of Europe were to be decided, and 
which left all the glory of that day to be reaped by Athens 
and her little ally Platea. 

“Have you ever read Caesar’s personal history of his 
great campaign in Gaul? If you have, my brother, you 
certainly hear nothing there about soothsayers, or the 
entrails of animals, or the flight of cawing crows. You 
hear only of sudden and desperate battles, of rapid and un- 
expected marches, of victory upon victory, and not a moment 
lost in waiting for auspicious times. And Caesar, my 
brother, was the man that reformed the calendar, but he 
had no use for astrology. 

“The survival of astrology is due principally to mankind’s 
deep-seated love of mystery, and the great agents with which 
it pretends to deal are located in the sky, which of course has 
always been regarded as the abode of gods and superior 
powers. 

“By reading old legends you find that in earlier days 
astronomy possessed no facts about the stars or planets 
that militated against their influence. On the contrary, 
those lights which at evening you see in the sky, some of 
which are seen to move about with slow and majestic motion, 
now advancing, now retreating, and now drawing for a while 
side by side as if in fateful consultation or conspiracy, 
glaring at one another from diametrically opposite quarters 
of the heaven, are spirits of celestial space watching, and 
perhaps contending, over the acts of the helpless beings on 
the earth beneath them. 

“The menacing color of Mars, for instance, associated 
with blood and disaster; or the golden glow of Jupiter, 
suggesting wealth and good fortunes; or the quick movement 
of Mercury, suddenly disappearing from the west only to 
reappear in the east, seeming to dog the sun; or the marvel- 
ous splendor which Venus periodically attains, now in the 
evening and now in the morning sky; or the inconstant moon, 
continually changing her face, like a mask, and sometimes 


70 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


eclipsed as by the shadow of a great hand moving invisibly 
across the firmament, — all those things, before they had been 
scientifically explained, lent themselves naturally to the 
notion that they were portents and powers appointed to 
sway and foretell the fate of men. This notion did not seem 
ridiculous in an age when the earth was thought to be the 
center of the universe, and men regarded as constant play- 
things, pets, and victims, alternately, of a multitude of 
jealous man- and woman-minded creatures called gods and 
goddesses. 

4 4 After taking this worthy degree, my brother, and listen- 
ing to this lecture of fortune, you should no more believe 
what the stars say than you would believe Mother Goose 
tales, because a soothsaying star is just as much a product of 
the imagination as a fairy. 

“There are zodiac signs which are seen during a part 
of the year, like the Libra in the fall, and those born under 
those stars come under the direct influence of Libra. Zodi- 
acal authorities say that Libra people are almost invariably 
splendid looking people blessed with an intuitive aptitude 
for study, being desirous of collecting works relating to mys- 
tical subjects and sciences. Besides, they usually possess 
natural mechanical ability, and remarkable powers of in- 
tuition, which nine times out of ten are correct, but might be 
mistaken in the tenth of course. They usually possess 
foresight which makes speculators of many, and often with 
success, if used with care, but sometimes even they are 
mistaken. 

“People born under this zodiac naturally are not prone 
to reason, except from the standpoint of intuition and ob- 
servation, so it is best for them to carry on their fight in 
all matters they undertake, unless acting under control of 
one another. And this wonderful intuition gives them an 
insight into the character that makes it impossible to adapt 
themselves to the tastes of those with whom they mingle, or 
to adjust conversation accordingly, which will cause them to 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 71 

feel the mental conditions of those about them so keenly as 
to be positively uncomfortable in cases of inharmonious 
surroundings and companionships. Therefore they are of- 
ten found in the ranks of spiritualists, because of their great 
susceptibility to psychic control, as well as their natural 
spiritual intuitions. In religious matters they often have 
a great deal of skepticism to overcome, which causes them 
no end of anxiety for they cannot adjust the conflicting 
points of the different sects. 

“The poetry of their nature endows them with love of 
things beautiful, which makes harmonious surroundings 
quite necessary to their happiness. Of course grandeur is 
not necessary, but everything must be of the best, for they 
will brook no imitations, and if they have the means with 
which to work absolute perfection of detail will be the 
result. There will be no wasteful extravagance, and they 
can be counted upon to finish nearly anything they start in 
a careful competent manner that reflects upon their soul 
qualities. However, they should take care lest their exces- 
sive activity, especially in the use of their perceptive facul- 
ties, lead to a physical breakdown. They should seek 
spheres of quiet, rather than to try to battle with the world, 
and should let their natural conversation guide them, rather 
than their acquired love of excitement, because their tempers 
are easily aroused, and when angry their remarks are cutting 
and their manner taunting. And with such an innately 
artistic temperament, it usually follows that they are lovers 
of nature and all that pertains to outdoors, and are highly 
developed in sense of color and form. 

“Again, those born under the guiding constellation of 
Virgo, another well-known zodiac in the zodiacal firma- 
ment, are usually characterized by a cool, calm, and self- 
possessed bearing. In fact, they seldom lose their presence 
of mind and are therefore rather hard to approach, and their 
remarkable power of observation, even to the smallest 
detail, is usually the result of a naturally discriminating. 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


74 

analytical mind. It is not surprising that they usually 
excell in anything they undertake. And they are so trust- 
worthy and capable and reliable that they easily win the 
trust of all with whom they come in contact; and when they 
finish a job, whatever it may be, it will be well done, and 
everybody knows it. Incongruous as it may seem, they are 
without exception the healthiest people in the world. They 
have patience with the mediocre, but as art critics they are 
apt to be too severe, as averse to accept advice as they are 
prone to give it. They do not realize that their sometimes 
sharp criticism is hard to bear until some one dares to turn 
the tables; then they will answer for all sorts of faults they 
do not possess, but deny the existence of their most apparent 
ones. 

“ Another planet of the firmament, my brother, is Uranus, 
the planet of the occults, which tends to lift the thoughts 
from a material basis to one more spiritual. As a connection 
evolved from the twelve zodiacs and the twelve tribes of 
Israel this planet should be Benjamin, whose leading char- 
acteristics are unparalleled strength of will and power of 
self-preservation.” 


Chapter XIII 

“This chapter is a continuation of our study of the zodiacs. 
It forms the lecture of the thirty-fifth degree. 

“The twelve tribes of Israel are: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, 
Judah, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Issachar, Zebulun, 
Joseph, and Benjamin. And the twelve zodiacs are: Cap- 
ricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, 
Virgo, Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius. 

“And now, my brother, the wise men of old tell us that 
there are twelve distinct types of people in this world, who 
are classified under their appropriate signs of the zodiac, 
who have their special place and work to do in the universe. 
The sun passes successively those twelve zodiacs during 
the year, the year is divided also into twelve months, as you 
of course have learned in school. 

“Those born under Capricorn are said to be proud and 
self-reliant, as well as great idealists. They adore the 
beautiful in art and nature. They are better organizers than 
fighters, and because of their quickness to take advantage of 
the weaknesses of others and their refusal to arbitrate they 
conquer in whatever they undertake, and usually gain victory. 

“Those born under Aquarius are naturally endowed 
with great possibilities, but they usually require a strong in- 
centive to force them into action. They are earnest students 
of human nature, and are not easily deceived by outside 
appearances, though their sympathy must be engaged 
through an exposition of actual necessity. They are gener- 
ally fortunate in dealing with others and have great ability 
to pick up information from every available source. They 
usually have robust figures, ruddy complexions, and are 
generally very handsome, especially the women. 

73 


74 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“Those born under Pisces are usually restless searchers 
for knowledge in every opportunity of life and endowed with 
fine mechanical, scientific, and philosophical minds, usually 
anxiously determined to carry out the plans which they have 
matured with great care and deliberation. They usually 
possess much self-esteem, but lack self-confidence, which 
they, however, are prepared to overcome at every point of 
attack. They are fond of things beautiful, and though not 
ardent lovers they are very faithful and sincere. They are 
restless and fond of travel. 

“Those born under Aries are great workers for humanity. 
They dislike manual labor, but prefer to lead and direct 
others and are therefore looked upon as visionary idealists, 
and though they can devise new methods for others they 
find it difficult to work by plan or system. They are am- 
bitious, impulsive, irritable, and quick-tempered, although 
they are easily pacified. They are fond of music, and always 
full of life and activity. They are warm-hearted, sympa- 
thetic, and hospitable, and have the rare faculty of speaking 
the right word at the right ti me and place. They are usually 
endowed with remarkably active brains and have a very 
marked faculty of imparting useful knowledge to others. 
They have their own ideas about what’s right or wrong, but 
prefer to accept standards of belief. They are always look- 
ing forward, but are selfish, whimsical, capricious, and 
quarrelsome, and while they expect others to bridle their 
tongues they pride themselves on being outspoken, and the 
person who has incurred their displeasure very seldom escapes 
a severe tongue lashing. 

“Those born under Taurus are natural conquerors, are 
strong, capable, unyielding, and executive, endowed with 
splendid memory, and noted for their exactness and per- 
sistency in mental efforts. When not irritated they are 
affable and generous to a fault, and they prefer to give money 
rather than to make any sacrifice of time or personal comfort. 
When they permit themselves to be dominated by their 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


75 


strong animal nature, they lack firmness and self-control. 
They are usually slow to anger, but, like the symbol of their 
sign, they are violent and furious when aroused. They are 
sanguine about every cause they espouse, and when they have 
decided on a plan of action they can be relied upon to carry 
any enterprise through to a successful finish. They are 
bright and witty. They are fond of games and music and 
outdoor sports of every kind. They are seldom originators 
or architects, but they are practical builders in every de- 
partment of life. 

“Those born under Gemini are wonderfully versatile. 
They are endowed with much ability in the realms of art, 
science, and mechanics, but so varied are their tastes and 
abilities that they are seldom satisfied with one occupation or 
pursuit. 

“They have fine intellects, bright, sparkling and witty, 
but because of their lack of concentration they are not 
always profound, frequently are short of knowledge, and 
talk rather glibly. They work with great and untiring 
ardor as long as their inspiration lasts, and engage in a 
new task or enterprise afterwards with just as much 
enthusiasm. They are genial, vivacious, and courteous, but 
are apt to be inconstant and suspicious, not trusting others. 
In old age they frequently become melancholy and dis- 
agreeable. 

“Those born under Cancer are great lovers of home and 
family, and though they are restless and changeable in dis- 
position, they take much pleasure in the domestic life. 
They are kind-hearted, sympathetic, and exceedingly sensitive 
to the mental and physical condition of others. They have 
a quiet, placid nature, love ease and comfort, and are fond 
of amusement and a life of social gayety. They are agree- 
able and pleasant in conversation and always try to avoid 
arguments which may lead to wrangling and quarreling. 
They are fond of literature and, as they have retrospective 
minds, they like to live in the past and seem wedded to the 


7G 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


belief that in former times people were much better than now- 
adays. They have great powers as speakers, and are usually 
successful in influencing the masses, but their best work as 
orators is done under direct inspiration. They are fond of 
travel, and when this desire cannot be gratified, they man- 
ifest their love of variety by making frequent changes in 
their occupation. They usually have excellent taste in 
dress, and are fond of bright colors. They have broad fore- 
heads, mild eyes and fair or pale complexion. Their shoulders 
are broad, the body medium-sized, and usually they have 
rather small hands and feet. 

“Those born under Leo are naturally jovial in manner, 
have great contempt for mean and sordid actions, and are 
just and honorable in their dealings. They are liable to 
go to extremes in what they do. They are very kind- 
hearted, but if wronged or imposed upon they are con- 
trolled by the heart rather than by the head, and frequently 
get themselves into trouble. Yet their intentions are hon- 
orable, and they are sorry for their mistakes. They usually 
care little for tradition, but have great respect for law 
and authority. They love the good things of life, and by 
their pleasing personality they generally have their own way, 
and they often attain great popularity in public life. They 
are active and energetic, but would rather plan than work, 
having a hearty manner which inspires confidence in their 
ability. They are usually found at, or very near, the front. 
They are devoted to the interests of the family, and will 
fight, and die even, for their rights. They have large, well- 
proportioned figures, and walk with a quick, buoyant step 
and with dignified bearing. They have usually large heads, 
with the perceptive faculties well developed, gray or blue 
eyes, with quick sight and friendly expression, light hair and 
eyebrows, complexion fair or ruddy. They are fond of 
athletic sports, and are of fine physique. Often they cannot 
discover their mistakes until they have done themselves 
irreparable injury. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


77 


“Those born under Virgo are usually provided with 
discriminating, analytical, and practical minds. They 
reason from an external point of view, but they also com- 
bine intuition with their reasoning faculties to some extent. 
They are not originators in any line of work, but are con- 
servative in their opinions. They always insist upon being 
treated with respect, and the surest way to win their esteem 
is to pay court to their intelligence. They love music and 
beauty, are quick to think and act, and have a strong love- 
nature, but great power of self-control. They are generously 
disposed and take a lively interest in the affairs of their 
friends. They worship intellect and are fine reasoners, but 
are very dogmatic in their opinions. They are extremely 
nervous and fussy, and they are apt to grow shiftless and 
neglect their most important duties. They usually are tall, 
with well-formed body, fine features, expressive eyes, black 
or gray in color, a graceful presence and pleasing manners. 
They talk very rapidly, and often stammer in speech. 

“Those born under Libra are gifted with great foresight 
and intuition. They are very susceptible to the influence 
of others, and will even feel and act like those by whom they 
are strongly impressed; they fall easily under the control of 
others. They are reasoners and have the happy faculty of 
seeing both sides of a subject, but they usually reach con- 
clusions oftener from the standpoint of observation than 
from a logical reasoning process. They are great to plan 
for and advise their friends, and their advice is safe to 
follow. They are fond of order and harmony, and become 
very melancholy under other conditions. They are quick- 
tempered, and when angry their remarks are cutting, leaving 
little doubt as to the real state of their feelings. They 
are foolishly wounded by trifles, and are always looking for 
something to worry about, and their efforts are not always 
fully appreciated. They have great fondness for amuse- 
ments and outdoor sports. They are usually tall and well- 
formed, with brown hair and eyes, and fine clear complexion. 


78 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“Those born under Scorpio have progressive minds 
and inventive thoughts, and are always busy with new ideas. 
They have a positive will and are rigid to the point of in- 
flexibility, and have great mechanical ability. They are 
not demonstrative, and they seldom show half the affection 
they feel. In conversation they are kindly and agreeable 
enough, but it is not easy to form acquaintance with them. 
They evade direct questions and their answers are often 
equivocal. They are not tender in their feeling, and they 
seem to regret less than most people the loss of a friend. 
They have great respect for law and authority, and claim 
absolute personal freedom. They are fond of travel and 
outdoor sports, as well as art and music, possess unusual will- 
power and self-control, and often gain a wonderful influence 
over others. They have taste and tact in their choice of 
language, and are very courteous and affable. They are 
tender and sympathetic in manner, and are remarkably 
skillful, and they have a quiet, impressive manner wdiich 
inspires confidence. They are usually of middle stature, 
thick, well-set body, strong and robust, with dark com- 
plexion and usually brown curly hair. 

“Those born under Sagittarius are characterized by 
their executive power and prompt decision, self-control, and 
the ability to command others. They are bold, active, and 
generous, and they are fond of doing good, and can generally 
be depended upon. Their hasty temper causes them to 
speak harshly to those nearest and dearest, but their anger 
is short-lived. They are faithful and loving in domestic 
relations, and exert themselves to give substantial relief 
and sympathy to the poor and needy. They have great me- 
chanical ability, and are dubbed as ‘jacks-of-all- trades.’ 
They are fond of art and poetry and the beautiful in nature, 
and interested in sports and games. They prefer to employ 
their physical energy, as well as their executive ability. 
They are capable of filling positions of responsibility and 
directing work of others. They are quick-tempered, virtuous. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


79 


honorable, and just; often they err on the side of justice. 
They are usually of tall stature, well-formed body, high 
forehead, well-shaped nose, clear ruddy complexion, hazel 
eyes, and brown hair. 

“This ends the thirty -fifth-degree lecture, and I will now 
proceed with the lecture of the thirty-ninth degree.” 


Chapter XIV 

“In this, the thirty-ninth-degree lecture, you will be 
acquainted with the secret signs of the order. All orders, 
my brother, use signs and countersigns for the purpose of 
introducing one member to another, and to enable the breth- 
ren to converse secretly even in public. 

“This is the sign of introduction. Do as I do. First 
raise your left hand upward in front of your face, holding the 
hand edgewise, placing the end of the thumb against the tip 
of the nose and spreading the fingers out in the shape of a fan. 
Hold your hand in this position until somebody notices you. 

“By this sign you will be enabled to become acquainted. 
If a true brother sees you, he will give the countersign, 
which is simply to look sharply at you. But if a non-mem- 
ber sees you, he is likely to hand you a punch in the jaw. 
You will find it easy to get acquainted if you use this sign 
wherever you go. 

“Possibly it would be well, if you are proud of your 
beauty, to practice making this sign only in the dark, for 
darkness adds to its mystery and places you in no danger. 
Still, a brave fellow like you may use it anywhere at any 
time. Never use the sign when you are in the company 
of the Grand Master. But if you want to get acquainted 
in a strange town, try it on the first policeman you meet. 
You will probably discover that the cop does not belong to 
your lodge. 

“The other sign is one which may be used anywdiere in 
perfect safety. Provide yourself with a snuff-box, well 
filled, and offer a pinch of snuff to the person with whom you 
desire acquaintance. This will enable you to converse with 
him, and you may thereby gain a valuable friend.” 

80 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


81 


After these signs were explained and illustrated, the 
doctor continued in a happy voice: “My brother, since you 
are now in possession of some of our deepest secrets, and have 
learned some of the signs of the order, you are one of us, body 
and soul. As a valiant knight of the order you are entitled 
to all the rights and privileges with which it is endowed. 
You may rest assured that although to-night you have passed 
through grave dangers and have been exposed to many 
trials, you will henceforth be free from punishment and will 
pass unscathed through purgatory. Your bravery here to- 
night has proved you worthy to enter yet deeper into the 
subterranean caverns of this order. 

“In the next lecture, my brother, which is the fortieth, 
you will learn the significance of our emblem.” 


Chapter XV 

“You will note, my brother, that yonder emblem which 
shimmers upon the wall is composed of many triangles; and 
as the triangle is composed of three sides, the number three 
has come to mean much in the rites of this order. 

“Come closer, and I will teach you some things which 
you never learned in your school geometry. For example: 

“Three are the relics that constitute our order, — the 
Sword of Paradise, the Club of Cain, and the Skull of Noah. 

“Three things never grow rusty: the money of the chari- 
table, the nails in the collector’s shoes, and a thoughtless 
woman’s tongue. 

“Three were the sons of Adam, — Cain, Abel, and Seth. 
Cain got a black eye, Abel was slain in the ring, and Seth 
was left alone to care for the garden. 

“Three, also, were the sons of Noah, — Shem, Ham, and 
Japheth. Shem was shamed, Ham was fond of ham and 
eggs, and Japheth had the complexion of a Jap. 

“Three were the goddesses, — Clothe, Lachesis, and 
Atropos, who represented Birth, Life, and Death. 

“Three things carry the mark of mischief, — an old cow 
with a yoke, a bull with a board before his eyes, and a 
drunken woman with a black eye. 

“Three is usually a lucky number. 

“Three in one you have heard of. 

“Three meals a day keeps you fit. 

“Three eggs for breakfast make you happy all day. 

“Three beefsteaks and a chicken pie are not bad for dinner. 

“Three are the hand tools you use at meals. 

“Three dollars a day, and you can live independently. 

“Three feet make a yard. 


82 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


83 


“Et cetera, ad libitum, ad infinitum. 

“Even this mysterious order is supported by three pillars: 
the Grand Master with the brain of Noah, the Ceremony 
Master with the Sword of Paradise, and the Master of the 
Club of Cain. 

“Gaze once more, my brother, upon the gleaming 
emblem which glows with an inextinguishable flame nourished 
by the same physical properties that compose the skull of 
Noah. Reflect deeply upon it. Note that it is composed 
of triangles and that wherever your eyes may rest upon it 
there is a triangle. Here again arises the puzzling Three. 
If you add three and three, the sum will equal the number of 
the points of the emblem. And if you add three and three 
and multiply by three the sum will equal the total number of 
triangles before you. 

“And if you multiply three by three and the sum of that 
by three, you will find that the total will equal your age, — 
twenty-seven. Is that not right, brother?” 

“That is right,” replied the candidate, much mystified. 

The Master continued: “So efficacious is our emblem in 
the solving of mysteries, that if a member of this order 
should forget his age, all he would have to do would be to 
count the triangles until he reached the correct number. 
Wonderful, is it not?” 

“Yes it is — not,” replied Gust. 

“In the center of the emblem is a design which resembles 
the letter O, which signifies order , and bears also a resem- 
blance to the most resplendent of all celestial bodies, — the 
sun. In the schools, my brother, much of this knowledge is 
never taught, because students are not intended to know 
too much, but once you are a member of this glorious order 
all knowledge is yours. We possess all knowledge, and gladly 
hand it down to you just as our father Noah handed it down 
to us. 

“In the next lecture, the forty-fifth, you will be ac- 
quainted with the history of the sacred relics of the order.” 


Chapter XVI 

“The relics, brother, are the Skull of Noah, the Sword of 
Paradise, and the Club of Cain. Among other things, these 
signify the instruments with which false and unfaithful 
brothers in this order are punished for their wrongdoings. 

The manner of their execution 
is this: they shall be clubbed to 
death with the Club of Cain, 
their hearts pierced with the 
Sword of Paradise, and their re- 
mains burned to ashes by the 
flames from the Skull of Noah. 

'‘This sword, my brother,” — 
holding it over the candidate’s 
head, — “is the selfsame sword 
by which the first people of earth 
were driven out of the Garden of 
Eden. The gardener, having no 
further use for it, tossed it over 
the garden wall, where later 
Adam found it and carried it 
away to keep as a souvenir of 
the happy days before he ate the apple. Adam passed it down 
to his children, and in time it became the property of Noah, 
who took it, with the Club of Cain, into the Ark with him. 

“Other sacred relics of the order, such as Adam’s shirt, 
Abel’s sandals, Enoch’s ring, Hud’s staff, Noah’s sword, a 
blueprint of the Ark, are preserved in our grand temple in 
Gee-hoo-sa-lem. 

“This club” — holding it before the candidate — “is the 
club with which Cain knocked his brother Abel out of the 



The Sword of Paradise 



The Club of Cain 



The Skull of Noah 


84 


TRISCURRIA TREMEFAXIO ORDER 85 

ring, gaining thereby the distinction of being the first worlds 
champion fighter. These spots which you observe upon the 
club are from the blood of Abel, who was accidentally killed 
in the bout. Strange as it may seem, no mention of this 
tragedy appeared in the sporting pages of the newspapers 
at that time. And had Cain not been an honest man the 
world would never have heard of the fight and its result, 
for no one saw it. Cain confessed it to his father. 

“I might say here that the newspapers of those days 
were composed entirely of ‘comic sections,’ being made up 
of hieroglyphics, numbering about six hundred and thirty, — 
funny little things and as amusing as the Katzen jammer 
Kids, or Abe Kabibble and his Reba. 

“To get back to the story: When Abel’s father heard 
that his shepherd had been killed, he pulled up a large tree 
and chastised Cain severely. And then poor Cain fell into 
the hands of the police, who bruised him considerably more 
and blackened his eye. Cain was arrested and taken before 
the court, who find him fifty dollars for resisting an officer. 
Cain pleaded that he hadn’t a cent, but that he would work 
out his fine as soon as his eye got well. Finally the court 
agreed that if he would build a temple in honor of the law 
they would release him. 

“Cain started at once to collect stones and trees with 
which to erect the temple and in due course of time it was 
completed. Having some material left over, he built a 
belfry upon the temple which later became known as the 
Tower of Babylon. 

“These facts, brother, you were never permitted to learn 
in school, because Jonathan and Shibboleth and other 
historical writers were jealous of their knowledge and did 
not want others to learn. But the T-T Order is more benef- 
icent. 

“When the temple was completed preachers were ad- 
vertised for, and the Pope, believing he saw a chance to 
pick up some easy money, came over from Rome with his 


86 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


reverend gentlemen and preached the gospel until the people 
all were filled with the spirit, or with spirits, — the record 
is not quite clear on this point. 

“In time the people became dissatisfied with the Pope’s 
preaching, and decided to do their own preaching. But 
they quarreled so much among themselves over the question 
of who should be their leader that Cain became angry, 
went home and got his club, and, returning, plied it with 
such vigor upon all of the rioters that in order to escape his 
wrath they attempted to talk to each other in language 
which he could not understand. The result was that soon 
they could not even understand one another. That is 
the true story of Babel. And their fighting and quarreling 
became an hereditary sin which has been transmitted to 
the people of this generation. 

“Nobody liked Cain but the Pope, who made a saint of 
him, giving him the power to forgive sin. The sons of Cain 
have profited from this power ever since. 

“Cain finally disappeared, and Seth was born. So 
after all their sorrows the old people had a good boy upon 
whom they could depend to reproduce their kind and per- 
petuate the world’s family. About half the world to-day is 
glad that Abel was killed, because if he had lived it is prob- 
able that Cain would never have been given the power to 
pass out forgiveness to all who came seeking it. 

“Have you ever heard, brother,” asked the Master, 
“that the people of Cain buy their sin- and trouble-forgive- 
ness by the bushel?” 

“I never have,” responded the candidate. 

“I thought not. That’s the way of the world. The 
poor common people of this world learn but little from the 
paid teachers in the schools; in fact they never learn the 
things they should know. 

“This club, my brother, was transferred from Adam to 
Enoch, from Enoch to Noah, from Noah to Shem, from Shem 
to Abraham, from Abraham to Isaac, from Isaac to Jacob, 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


87 


from Jacob to Joseph, all of whom are past Grand Masters 
of this Order of the T-T’s. As it descended from generation 
to generation it acquired magical powers which enabled 
Moses and Aaron to perform many wonders in Egypt. 

“We will now proceed to the lecture of the forty-sixth 
degree.” 



Chapter XVII 

“ You will note, brother, that our glorious emblem bears the 
words Cerium est quia absurdum est. You have by this time 
advanced far enough to be entrusted with the meaning of that 
motto. Literally, it means : This is the truth, and nothing but 
the truth. In the language of the lodge it means: This is as 
certom easy as a-b-c — even to the veriest numskull. 

“The emblem is as wonderful and glorious, 
as bright and magnificent, as the Polar Star it- 
self. The words that shimmer upon the emblem 
mean truth. They mean that all I have told you 
and will hereafter tell you is truth, and nothing 
but truth. All this may be read in our codex. 
But the codex is written on a papyrus in the language of our 
forefathers, and is so immense that if one wished to read it 
he would have to spread it out upon the ground and ride 
alongside it in the fastest auto for a lifetime. Some of the 
codex was lost in the Flood, but the greater part of it is pre- 
served in our grand temple in Gee-hoo-sa-lem. From these 
facts you will understand, my brother, that our order is 
founded upon truth, truth as old as mankind. 

“This club, as I have explained to you, is the original 
Club of Cain. Many imitations of this club have been foisted 
upon the people, but this is the genuine article. Not long 
ago a dealer in antiques, learning of its history, offered me a 
large sum of money for the club. He knew that it was 
formed of a branch of the famed apple tree of Eden, and was 
most anxious to possess it. But of course I refused to consider 
his offer, for had I sold it to him I should have deprived our 
order of one of its principal pillars and our grand temple in 
Gee-hoo-sa-lem would have fallen into a heap of ruins. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


89 


The sword and the club signify battle and trouble. They 
represent the punishment that will be meted out to anyone who 
offends against the order, or who exposes any of its secrets. 

“The sword is the symbol of such wars as at present are 
drenching the fields of Europe with blood, wars caused by the 
selfish ambition and imperiousness of such persons as Wilhelm, 
George, Josef, and Peter, who desire to gain a still greater 
autocratic power over the miserable peoples whom they rule. 

“And the club is the symbol of such wars as in olden 
times raged because of religious disputes, and were kept up 
by the priests and hierarchs to further increase their power 
over the miserable sinners who were so unfortunate as to 
live in those days. The religious wars of olden times cost 
more in blood and suffering than all the political wars in 
history. Yet though we now believe that they fought 
foolishly, it would seem that they had greater reason than 
the participants in the Great War of to-day, who do not even 
know what they are fighting for, except that some one seeks 
glory. Poor devils! They form guns and sabers of their 
finest steel, and hang cheap iron crosses upon their breasts 
in celebration of the murders they commit. 

“This skull, my brother, is the most remarkable relic of 
the three. As you see, the bones are old and discolored, 
and much worn by the gnawing teeth of Time. Yet they 
never entirely decay because the spirit of him who once in- 
habited this shell lives on in the form of this order. Can 
you guess, brother, whose brain once lodged within this 
decrepit dwelling ?” 

“I cannot,” replied the candidate. 

“I thought not,” replied the Master. “If you could 
answer that question you would be entirely too wise for this 
order .” 1 

“As a member of our order you are entitled to the truth. 
This is the skull of our great-great- (say it as many times as 

x The doctor here spoke the truth, for I learned later that he had pur- 
chased the bones that morning from the grave-digger. 


90 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

you like) grandfather Noah. As you can see, he possessed 
a head to be proud of, for the bones are of good material; 
they had to be to contain his wonderful intellect. 

“Noah was a clever man for his day, and was well known 
and liked by everybody. Because of his prominence he was 
given a hint of the coming of high tide in time to build a 
sailboat in which he might escape the flood. This boat was 
called an ark. It was a three-decker, three hundred cubits 
long, fifty cubits wide, and thirty cubits high. Noah was not 
a boat-builder by trade, but he was supplied with plans and 
specifications, blue prints, and so forth; and he slapped 
together a seaworthy old tub in a short time. Then he 
gathered up his family and one pair — a male and a female — 
of every bug, insect, bird, animal, and serpent, and hustled 
them into the Ark just before the cloud burst. 

“The passengers called him ‘Captain,’ though he had 
never before sailed the Mediterranean in all the six hundred 
years of his life, and knew about as much about reefing a 
sail or hauling a ratline as a shoemaker. But he piloted the 
ship through the waters until he reached Mount Ararat, 
where he landed safely with his whole menagerie and pitched 
his tents. That was the first circus in history. 

“The show business proving unprofitable, — all the show- 
goers had been drowned, as you have no doubt heard, — 
he decided to plant a vineyard and make wine. He had 
landed in a dry state, and thought business ought to be good 
in that line. He tried grape wine, but tired of it and began 
to experiment to secure other flavors. There being no pota- 
toes or corn, he mixed with his wine the blood of a monkey, 
then the blood of a lion, then the blood of a bull, and finally 
the blood of a pig. And that is the reason that even to-day 
one drink makes a fellow act like a monkey, the second makes 
him roar with bravery, the third makes him bull-headed, 
and the fourth and succeeding drinks make a hog of him. 

“The lecture of the forty-seventh degree will follow.” 


Chapter XVIII 

“It is now time for you to receive the password. 

“When you wish to enter a strange lodge you will 
approach the outer portal and say: 4 Ay hac me dooth.’ 
The door will open, and you will proceed to the inner portal. 
When the Keeper of the Lock whispers ‘Mutt* you will 
respond ‘Jeff, I’m*, upon which you will be permitted to 
enter. 

“Returning to the relics of our order: The skull signifies 
the grave, to which we all shall descend in time, and just 
as peacefully as the flame burns within the skull of Noah, 
so shall we too rest in peace in the grave, and great glory shall 
be ours. 

“The flames issuing from the skull signify the lesser 
lights which are called ‘implicative triangular lights,’ and 
which as you see form a triangle of flame through the nostrils 
and the eyeholes. The flame is from the spirit of Noah, 
who, though dead for ages, lives on in the order. His spirit 
is within us and about us, and the wonderful power of his 
intellect is the heritage of all members of the T-T Order. 
You will find that all brothers in this order are possessed of 
unusual cleverness and skill. 

“The six points of the triangle in our emblem signify 
the six days of labor and worry, while the circle in the center 
signifies the one day of rest, the best day of all, when you can 
go to church and be a good fellow. Many persons complain 
that one day of rest is not enough, and yet others would like 
to have our emblem formed entirely of circles, so that they 
could rest all the time. 

“I shall now confer upon you, my brother, the fiftieth de- 
gree and install you as the Grand Master of the Club of Cain. 

91 


92 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“I, as Grand Master, will stand at your right side, while 
the Ceremony Master of the Sword will stand at your left. 
Stretch your arms upward and pray: And it came to pass 
that when Moses lifted up his hands that Israel prevailed 
and when Moses let down his hands Amalek prevailed. 
However, Moses* hands were heavy so that Aaron and Hur 
stayed them up, the one at one side, and the other at the 
other side. 

“Now, as the Grand Master of the Order, I challenge you: 
Are you of good courage to receive the highest and most 
exalted degree of the order? Do you wish to receive the 
ninety-ninth degree? 

“I am. I do,” replied the candidate. 

“Then, as a reward for your bravery and as an incentive 
to keep you faithful to the order, I do hereby declare that 
following the lecture which I shall now deliver to you, you 
will be accepted into the highest degree of which any order 
in the world can boast. Though the hour is late, and another 
worthy neophyte awaits without, I shall deliver to you the 
lecture of the ninety-ninth degree. 

“Ceremony Master of the Sword! You will conduct 
the brother to the East, before the Throne.” 


Chapter XIX 

“My brother, the preparation of this lecture has robbed 
the Grand Master of many nights of sleep, and the acquisition 
of the material has required a great deal of study of old 
records. I trust that you will listen carefully to every word 
and appreciate the value of the knowledge that is now about 
to be entrusted to you. 

“This lecture comes not from a divine source. As a 
matter of fact, while a part of it consists of biblical quotations 
far the greater part was, for some reason, omitted from 
the Bible. It has been my good fortune, however, to have 
the opportunity to consult many an ancient tome, and I 
have therein read of the things which you are now about to 
hear. 

“I shall make known to you the source of life, many 
amazing exploits of former Grand Masters of the order, as 
well as other interesting incidents of persons connected with 
the T-T’s. Much of the history of the world’s advancement 
has been the subject of song and story for ages past, but the 
wonderful tales you shall now hear have never been told 
outside the lodges of the T-T Order. 

“Let us start with the creation of the earth and of 
heaven. No true T-T-0 brother will ever deny that the 
heaven and the earth were made by the Creator described in 
the Bible. But where the Creator came from has never 
yet been satisfactorily explained. Even in the inspired 
records of our wonderful order no reasonable story can be 
found. 

“It appears, however, that for infinite ages the Creator 
lived alone in boundless space, lounging leisurely upon a 
golden throne w r hich rested on nothing, — the sceptered 

93 


94 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


sovereign of a sunless, moonless, earthless, and starless uni- 
verse. The only light was the blaze of glory which sur- 
rounded him, and his defense was a golden two-edged sword, 
— though why he needed a sword does not seem clear. 

“At some period before the world was thought of, he 
took a handful of nothing and made a few angels to keep him 
company. Of these there were two kinds: seraphim and 
cherubim. For countless eons these angels fluttered round 
his throne thrumming on golden harps and singing ‘ Hoch 
der Jehovah ! ’ 

“Sitting one day upon his throne, gazing into the empti- 
ness of his boundless domain, the Creator was struck with 
the idea of making a world and peopling it with every con- 
ceivable sort of creature. He reasoned that within the 
universe there was more room than he and his angels really 
needed, so he got busy and made the earth. The job was 
soon finished, only six days being required in the making of 
the earth, the sun, the moon, and all the stars, not to men- 
tion the mountains, seas, rivers, valleys, and forests, and the 
animals, birds, insects, and fishes. And then to complete 
the job he made a man and a woman, and he planted a 
garden, which grew and ripened immediately, for them to 
live in. And all of this, with the exception of the woman, 
he made simply of the limitless supply of nothing which was 
lying about everywhere handy. My brother, that was the 
greatest feat of civil engineering ever conceived and ex- 
ecuted. 

“Now, to make the woman, he took a rib out from the 
man while he slept, and from it he fashioned the woman. 
The Creator did not use the man’s rib because the supply 
of nothing was exhausted. Far be it from him. He used 
the man’s rib simply because he wished the woman to owe 
her existence to man, and to be grateful and obedient to him 
forever. 

“After working so hard for six days, the Creator took a 
day off. He paid a visit to the man and the woman in the 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


95 


garden, and he pointed out to them the pear-trees and the 
plum-trees and the peach-trees he had planted for them and 
told them to help themselves. Over in the corner of the 
garden was an apple-tree bearing some fine fruit which he 
intended to make into cider for himself and his angels. 
The Creator ordered the man and the woman not to take 
any of the apples. 

“Had they obeyed that order they might have been 
living happily in the garden to-day. But one day when Adam 
was sleeping in the shade of some bushes, Satan strolled 
through the garden and spied Eve sitting under the for- 
bidden tree. (The fact that there was a snake in Eden 
would seem to prove that Eden was not located in Ireland, 
as some persons believe. Ireland has no snakes.) 

“Eve was never averse to a little flirtation, so she and 
Satan had quite a pleasant chat while Adam slept. And 
when Satan reached up and pulled down a bough well 
laden with apples and said: ‘Eve, let’s have a little apple 
juice just to cheer us up,’ she accepted his invitation. After 
Satan had gone, she woke Adam and told him how good 
the apple juice made her feel. And Adam, unaware that 
the apples had been picked from the forbidden tree, filled 
up on the juice and got quite gay. 

“The happy feeling did not last long. There must have 
been some knowledge- juice in the apples, for in a short time 
Adam discovered he was naked. 

“‘Gosh!* said he, as he jumped into the bushes. 

“‘(Do-oof squealed Eve, as she awoke to the same start- 
ling discovery, and, posing like September Morn, she too 
skipped for cover. 

“They hurriedly got into skirts and trousers made of 
fig leaves, and the result is that we have been burdened with 
the necessity of wearing clothes ever since. 

“Reflect, my brother, of the immense cost to the world 
of that one craven act of the serpent. Had he not tempted 
our mother Eve, we would not to-day be in debt to our tailor 


96 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

and our dressmaker. We would all be skirtless, pantless, 
shirtless, and sockless. Perhaps, though, it is as well. 

“Satan was punished for his deviltry by being cursed 
and condemned forever to crawl upon his belly and be so 
horrible in appearance as never to be able to tempt another 
woman. 

“The man and the woman were driven out of the garden, 
to earn their own living. The woman was doomed to a 
more severe punishment than the man, for had she not made 
googoo eyes at the snake? — ‘In sorrow shalt thou bring 
forth thy children and thy desire shall be to thy husband, 
and he shall be ruler over thee.’ The suffragists do not ad- 
mit the truth of this, however. 

“After the rumpus the garden was closed, all the gates 
being boarded up, and cherubim with flaming swords were 
posted at frequent intervals outside to prevent anyone from 
climbing over the wall and stealing the apples. 

“What became of the garden is a mystery. No one 
since has been able to locate it, though many have tried. 
The man and the woman, however, emigrated to Ceylon, 
where they took up a homestead and began the raising of 
cattle and other live stock. 

“In course of time, observing that their flocks grew and 
multiplied from year to year, Adam and Eve began to be 
lonely for creatures of their own kind. And so after a 
while there was a family of mortals, and the so-called human 
race was started on its way to make history. They were 
very proud of their babies, just as parents are to-day, but 
when the children grew up they became troublesome — just 
as they do to-day. 

“Most of our troubles are inherited from the first man 
and woman, though of course in these days of gas-ranges, 
electric lights, telephones, and bath-tubs, we do not have all 
the troubles from which they suffered. Imagine how they 
must have felt when they selected their choicest cattle to 
burn as a sacrifice upon the altar! Thank goodness, we do 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 97 

not have to trouble ourselves in that manner to-day. We 
are lucky if we can secure a beefsteak. 

“Now, my brother, I have endeavored to give you a 
truthful and accurate account of the creation of the world 
and the beginning of the human race. Do not be deceived 
by other stories. Some people may attempt to convince 
you that Adam and Eve were formed back to back and had 
to be separated with a hatchet, but there is no truth in that 
report. Others have arranged their story of the creation 
upon an hourly schedule, thus : In the first hour the dust was 
gathered; in the second, the torso was formed; in the third, 
the limbs were attached; and in the fourth the soul was 
blown in through the nose; in the fifth hour, Adam’s eyes were 
opened so that he could view the animals; in the sixth, he 
named all the animals, — what an imagination he must have 
had! — in the seventh hour he married Eve; in the eighth Cain 
was born, also his twin sisters; in the ninth, Adam was forbid- 
den to eat the apples; in the tenth the serpent tempted the 
woman; in the eleventh, they were driven out of the garden; 
and in the twelfth hour they were earning their living in the 
sweat of their brows. Anyone with a spark of intelligence 
will refuse to accept such a story of the beginning of man. 

“But it does not matter particularly how the first people 
came to be. What we are interested in is the outcome. The 
first child born to Adam and Eve was a handsome boy with 
bright eyes and strong muscles, who was called Cain. And 
even to-day newly married people desire that their first child 
be a boy, — not a Cain, however. They desire a boy, be- 
cause boys are less common than girls; the girls come with- 
out being desired. 

“The second child of the first citizens was also a boy, 
not quite so able, but he was called Abel just the same. He 
became a shepherd when he grew up, and Cain was the 
gardener. The boys did not get on well together, because 
when Abel stewed his mutton it gave forth a more appetizing 
odor than Cain’s cabbage. Cain was angered by this and 


98 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


the result was a family row. Abel was a fiery little chap 
and he blackened Cain’s eye. This angered Cain still more 
and he swung his club with such force that Abel was knocked 
out for keeps. Cain had not intended to hit so hard, and 
when he saw his younger brother lying on the ground breath- 
ing his last he ran away, leaving his cabbage patch to the 
tender mercies of bugs and worms, which destroyed every 
leaf in the garden. The pests have been doing the same 
thing in gardens all over the world ever since. 

“After that Cain became a common tramp, roving from 
place to place. He was the first pilgrim, and he was a hard- 
looking one too, with his black eye and the mark which was 
put upon him. In the course of time he came to the Land 
of Nod where he met and married a handsome blonde and 
raised a large family. Most of Cain’s children were girls, 
and there must have been some good-looking ones among 
them; because the angels themselves were always after them. 
At any rate, the old records state that the angels became 
enamoured of them and married them. Even to-day the 
girls look good enough, some of them, to tempt the angels. 

“The result of these marriages between the mortal girls 
and the immortal men was a race of beings, half angel and 
half human, which was called ‘Jinns.’ They were giants, 
but they were not desirable citizens, for they made a rough- 
house of the whole earth; so that the Creator, who had worked 
like a hod-carrier for six long days making things and people 
of nothing, became disgusted with his product and de- 
termined to drown the whole outfit and start over again.” 


Chapter XX 

“Adam, the first man, and the first Grand Master of our 
illustrous order, was a very great lecturer. He lectured to 
the angels in seventy languages, and they were so surprised 
and pleased that they treated him to several barrels of the 
juice of grapes grown in Paradise. You have undoubtedly 
heard of another great orator who is fond of grape juice, a 
Mr. William Jennings Bryan, but he could not hold a candle 
to Adam. 

“Adam was a man of great soul. His soul was not blown 
into his body through his nose. The truth is that when Adam 
was only a clay model the angel Gabriel happened along with 
his saxophone and played such an enraptured, soul-stirring 
melody that the soul of Adam awoke and he became a real 
live Jew. 

“One story-monger relates that when Adam and Eve 
were married the wedding dinner was served upon precious 
plates and dishes of pure gold, that both the bride and the 
groom were attired in brand new, freshly picked fig leaves, 
and that the wedding guests were angels from heaven. 

“Other stories of the happy event would lead one to 
believe that Adam was a Mormon who was happy in the 
possession of a large number of wives. It is said that his 
first wife was a woman named Hava. According to the tale, 
Adam, who had delivered one of his famous lectures, had 
afterward drunk a quantity of grape juice which made him so 
sleepy that he decided to take a nap. The devil made a 
woman and laid her down beside him. Adam awoke from 
pleasant dreams to the pleasanter realization that he was 
in the presence of a mighty pretty girl, and taking her hand 
he proposed that they hunt up a justice of the peace and get 

99 


100 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


married right away. But the lady, who was exceedingly wise 
for her day, reminded him that the proper way to propose to 
a girl is to slip a diamond ring on to her finger just as you 
utter the fateful words. You will see that she was up to 
snuff. 

“Of course Adam had no diamonds, and he couldn’t 
find a jewelry shop open that day, so he hunted up the angel 
Gabriel and asked him what to do. Gabe told him that if 
he would go out among the angels and deliver ninety-nine 
more lectures he would be given all the assistance necessary 
to win the lady’s heart and hand. Adam soon finished his 
lecture course, — some of his lectures have been preserved 
and form a part of the ritual of this order, though many of 
the lectures were lost in the flood, — and Gabriel kept his 
word. Soon Adam married Hava, the ceremony taking 
place in one of the grand boulevards of Eden which bore the 
name ‘ Unter den Linden.’ The angels had put up a tent 
of green silk resting on golden pillars, with a golden couch 
upon which the newly married couple might recline while 
the musical angels played on their golden harps, their 
flutes, and their tambourines. There was joy in Paradise 
that day. Everybody danced with the bride, and she got so 
many kisses that Adam became jealous. But she told him 
that inasmuch as his feet were too clumsy for dancing he 
should not try to prevent her from having a good time. 

“The next day the newly married couple bathed in the 
river that flowed through the garden, and dressed themselves 
in nice new fresh fig leaves before they were taken before the 
Jehovah for his blessing.” 


Chapter XXI 

“There is no disputing the fact that our first people had 
a very comfortable time, for everything was provided for 
their happiness. Very likely it required little to make them 
happy, but of course nobody knows the whole story. Most 
of the tales of the first man and woman are the result of guess- 
work, pure and simple. It has been said that they were 
possessed of evil passions and never required food and drink, 
but that is a story you should not believe. 

“And it is also said that the man and the woman never 
knew what hunger was until the devil happened along and 
told them how sweet and delicious were the apples on the for- 
bidden tree. Then they tasted them and liked the flavor 
so well that they devoured all the apples on the tree, filling 
their stomachs with the juice, and using the water of the 
river of life as a washdown. There is no truth in that 
story. 

“Another son of Ananias would have you believe that 
though the story of their gobbling up the whole fruit crop 
is true, no harm came from it; but that afterward Adam was 
laid up with a tumor in his side which grew larger and 
larger, until finally it burst and out stepped a most beautiful 
maiden, whom Adam subsequently married. 

“Others claim that Adam was created with a tail like a 
monkey; the pattern not being approved by the Creator, 
the tail was cut off and the woman made from it. It would 
seem that perhaps Adam might have found the tail a handy 
thing to hang his hat on and that it should have been pre- 
served, even at the loss of the feminine population. But 
that is a point that even the most inspired writers have failed 
to make clear. 


101 


102 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“The Hindoos have a story to the effect that the task of 
populating the world was entrusted to an angel named 
Brahma, who became so worried about the enormity of his 
responsibility that he cracked open; and from one side of 
him issued a handsome boy, while from the other side stepped 
a beautiful girl. The couple emigrated to Ceylon and there 
raised a large family. 

“And the Chinese believe that the race had its origin 
when a goddess named Amida, who undoubtedly was a hot 
one, sweated out a large number of boys and girls who, 
after growing to maturity, married and begat a race of 
humans. 

“My own belief, my brother, is that the human race 
owes its origin to the monkey. Else there would not be so 
many persons willing to believe the silly stories told of the 
creation.” 


Chapter XXII 

“ There came a time, my brother, when the peoples of the 
earth were divided into two classes: the clean and the un- 
clean. The unclean contingent seemed to be multiplying 
faster than the other lot, so the Creator decided to give them 
a good laundering. Noah and some of his friends were 
among those who were classed as clean, and Noah, being 
Grand Master and a highly moral and intelligent man, was 
chosen as their leader. Noah was well liked both on earth 
and in heaven, and so, when the Almighty decided to have 
wash-day, he instructed Noah to take into the ark his family, 
a few of his friends, and a male and a female each of every 
living creature, — animal, bird, and bug. Strangely enough, 
fishes were not mentioned, though it is known that fishes 
existed at that time; for the story goes that Mrs. Noah was 
frying fish for dinner one day when she caught sight of a 
pigeon flying toward the ark with a sprig of myrtle in its 
beak. This excited her, and she rushed up on deck to tell 
the captain, Mr. Noah. The fish flopped out of the pan into 
the sea and became redfish. The story is not be credited, 
however. 

“Undeniably Noah was a man of superior discernment; 
for had he not been he would have had a great deal of 
trouble rounding up a pair of each the creatures of the earth, 
and still more difficulty in determining the sex of some of 
them — especially if suffragists existed at that time. 

“Once he had them safely in the ark, though, it began to 
rain, and rained for forty days. Every living thing that had 
not taken passage on the first liner was drowned. Even 
the highest mountains were submerged. The rain fell at 
the rate of a thousand feet a day. Certainly it was terrible 

103 


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THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


weather, and the poor devils in those days had neither um- 
brellas nor raincoats. 

“Only one flaw appears in the story of that flood. It 
is strange that the Creator required so much time and so 
much water to destroy the whole business, when it took him 
only six days to make it, — out of nothing. But after all, 
perhaps we should not question the story, but rather be 
grateful that Noah pulled through his trying experience and 
lived to tell the tale. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t be here to- 
night.” 


Chapter XXIII 

“In none of the old documents has mention ever been made 
of Noah’s having done anything that was not good. He 
was a pretty square fellow. In fact, he even gave the devil 
a chance. When he learned that the earth was to be 
flooded, he made a large bell of wood, which he rang three 
times daily to warn the people that they must be good, or 
drown. Nobody paid any attention to the bell, except to 
use it as a dinner signal. They just continued r in their 
sinful ways until Noah' was forced to give them up as a 
bad lot. 

“Noah and his boys descended into the grotto Elcanus 
where rested the remains of their forefathers: Adam, Seth, 
Cain, Mahalaleel, Jared, Methusaleh, and Lamech. The 
Noah family touched their faces to the ground, kissed the 
holy stones, embraced the olive trees that shadowed the 
graves, and, turning their faces toward Paradise, cried, 
‘Farewell, holy Paradise, farewell.’ Returning to the ark 
Noah carried the body of Adam, while his sons bore precious 
oblations. Shem bore gold, Ham myrrh, and Japheth in- 
cense. 

“When it came time to load up, Noah herded the crea- 
tures into the ark. The devil, unnoticed by Noah, was hang- 
ing on to the tail of the little jackass, causing the latter to 
move very slowly. Noah, impatient, shouted, ‘Get up, 
you cursed one, and get a move on you!’ — meaning the ass 
of course. Then he saw the devil hanging on to the ass’s 
tail. Said Noah, ‘You can’t go aboard the ship.’ But the 
devil replied, ‘I’m only accepting your invitation. You 
said, “Get up, you cursed one,” and if I’m not the cursed 
one, I’d like to know who is.’ 

105 


106 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“Noah saw the joke, and as he had no time to monkey 
with the devil anyhow he let him go up into the ark. 

“Everything went lovely in the ark until the rats became 
so numerous that they got to be a nuisance. Noah was wor- 
ried about them for a time, but one day he passed his hand 
over the back of the lion, making the animal sneeze. And 
as the beast sneezed, out from his nostrils leaped a couple of 
cats, which soon made short work of the rats. 

“Finally the ship landed at Ararat, with none of the 
passengers missing except a raven and a dove. When the 
ground became dry all the live stock was turned loose. But 
Noah, feeling grateful because he had been permitted to live, 
built an altar and offered up a burnt offering consisting of one 
pair of each animal, bird, and insect. So the story goes, 
but there appears to be a flaw in the tale, for according to 
history he had only one pair to start with. How then could 
the world have been repopulated? 

“Be that as it may, the Almighty promised ever after 
to refrain from sending high water upon the earth, and as a 
token that he would keep the covenant he hung in the sky a 
bow of many colors. Noah, seeing this sign of good weather, 
began at once to plant a vineyard. When the grapes ri- 
pened he made wine. He became his best customer in the 
wine business and laid around most of the time more than 
half-soused. One day he was lying in his tent, and becom- 
ing overheated from the effects of last night’s debauch, 
kicked off all the bed clothes. Ham, passing the tent, saw 
his father lying there naked, and went and told his brothers 
about the old man’s disgraceful behavior. When Noah 
awoke, he cursed Ham and changed him to a negro, and 
condemned him to slavery forever. 

“That is the reason, my brother, why some persons insist 
that the enslaving of the blacks is divinely ordained. 

“Ham wasn’t a bad fellow at all, though. He was a 
good, strong lad and did much for his people. He was the 
first man to possess the power of magic, and was the inventor 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


107 


of some very neat tricks. As late in the world's history as 
the Middle Ages there were persons who claimed to be in 
possession of books written by Ham on the subject of 
alchemy and conjuring. 

“All of Noah’s sons raised large families and soon the 
earth became again densely populated. But after the flood 
there were no more marriages between angels and human 
beings.” 


Chapter XXIV 

“My brother, in those days of which I have spoken, only 
one language was spoken, and, had it not been for a lot of 
curious people who tried to explore the heavens, we would in 
all probability be speaking that language to-day from Gee- 
hoo-sa-lem to Chicago. The Dutch, French, Swedish, 
Polish, Russian, and other languages would never have been 
known. We would all be speaking Hebrew and running 
clothing stores. 

“You see, the bricklayers were on strike, and, having 
nothing to do, they decided to build a tower in the land of 
Shinar which would reach up to heaven. They had the work 
well started when Gabriel noticed their unusual activity and 
came down to investigate. Seeing the immense pile of 
brick, he hurried back and informed the Jehovah, who sent 
an army of angels down to stop the work. The angels, not 
wishing to have a lot of widows and orphans on their hands, 
sought a way to stop the building without spilling blood. 
And then one of them conceived the happy idea of confound- 
ing their tongues, so that they should be unable to under- 
stand one another. This was done and the effect was magi- 
cal. When one of the masons would shout down the eleva- 
tor for brick, a hod carrier would rush up with a hod full of 
mortar. This resulted in so much trouble and misunder- 
standing that the union disbanded and the work was aban- 
doned. Truly this was a stroke of diplomacy for which the 
angels may be commended. 

“The builders jabbered at each other like a bunch of 
magpies. Even members of the same family couldn’t 
understand one another. There was a noise like a lot of 
immigrants at Castle Garden. They got so disgusted with 

108 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 109 


one another that they began to throw bricks and paint- 
brushes, with the result that even their complexions and 
their features were changed. And they scattered and spread 
all over the earth.” 


Chapter XXV 

“Brother, our other candidate no doubt is growing tired 
of waiting, but before I end this lecture I wish to acquaint 
you with the deeds of some of our Grand Masters in the days 
of long ago. 

“One of them was Abraham, a Jew, who had a nephew 
named Lot. Lot, if I remember right, was Ceremony Master 
of the Sword at the same time. Abraham was a cattle raiser 
and was very rich, he was prominent in business, and was 
chosen as a leader in municipal affairs. He was the father 
of his country, much as Lincoln is said to be the father of the 
United States, and was a good Jew. All of his time was 
taken up with his business, — in the day ruling the country 
and tending his cattle, and at night going out to lodge. 
So he spent very little time with his wife Sarah. Years 
and years passed and no children came to bless the couple, 
and when they became old and there was none to inherit 
their wealth they were very sad. For they had accumu- 
lated an immense fortune and did not wish to leave it to 
foundling asylums and libraries. Abraham had fenced in 
pasture after pasture until he owned half the country, 
and Sarah had raised chickens and laid away a lot of pin 
money. 

“Abraham at this time was about seventy-five years old, 
and Sarah was sixty-four. It seemed unlikely that children 
would ever come to them. The old man worried about it so 
much that finally he decided to talk it over with the king. 
So he and Sarah took a trip over into Egypt. 

“Abraham told his wife that when they reached Egypt 
she should pretend to be his sister, because, as he said, she 
was still a good-looking dame, and if one of the Egyptian 

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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 111 

princes happened to see her and want her for his harem 
they’d be likely to lock Abie up in jail, or chop off his head. 
Sarah of course, not wishing the old man any harm, and see- 
ing no harm in a little flirtation anyway, agreed to this 
deception. 

“Sure enough, when one of the Pharaohs discovered that 
a strange beauty was abroad in the land, and heard how fair 
she was, he ordered her brought to his harem. Abraham, as 
her brother, was treated to the best the land afforded. 

“And it came to pass that plagues fell upon the house of 
Pharaoh. And Pharaoh, divining the reason, and con- 
fronting Abraham and Sarah with the accusation that they 
were not brother and sister, but husband and wife, gave 
Sarah back into the arms of her husband, reprimanding both 
for not telling the truth. 

“The couple then journeyed to a summer resort called 
Bethel, where they tarried for a time. One day Abie, out 
for his morning walk, happened on to the tent of a gypsy 
fortune-teller. He went in, presented his palm, and asked 
her if he could reasonably hope that an heir would ever be 
born to inherit his millions. The gypsy, willing to tell any- 
thing for money, gazed long and earnestly at the lines in his 
hand and assured him that he had no cause for worry, that 
his children and grandchildren would some day be as numer- 
ous upon the earth as were the stars in the firmament. 
The good news cheered Abraham for a time, but when a few 
more years had passed and no boy bounced upon Sarah’s 
knee, he grew dispirited and morose again. 

“Now there was employed in Abraham’s household a 
servant girl named Hagar, a handsome brunette. And it 
came to pass that Abraham and Hagar were so much to- 
gether that Sarah, who was old enough by this time to have 
developed an unusually sharp sense of perception, became 
jealous of the dark girl, perhaps justifiably. One day when 
Abraham was out collecting rents, she chased the poor girl 
out of the house and into the woods. 


112 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“When Abie returned and learned of the rumpus he 
raised such a rough-house that Sarah, to calm him, agreed 
to permit Hagar to come back. In course of time a son was 
born to Hagar, whom she named Ishmael. And then 
Abraham began to believe that the fortune teller knew her 
business after all!” 


Chapter XXVI 

“My brother, time passed and Abraham came to be a 
hundred years old. Still his wife Sarah had borne him no 
children, and Abraham, feeling that his years of life were 
nearing the close, desired to make Ishmael his heir. Sarah 
very naturally objected, giving as reasons the fact that the 
boy was black, that in his veins coursed the blood of Ham, 
and that therefore he must by divine ordinance be forever a 
slave. Abraham was much disappointed, because though 
Ishmael was a bit dark in color, he was a bright little chap 
and Abraham was very fond of him. The old man had 
plenty of money and would have introduced Ishmael into 
the best society had he been able to find some one who could 
whitewash the boy and make it stick. But it seemed that 
as heir-apparent Ishmael was a rank failure. 

“Abraham was now very old. He had retired from busi- 
ness, and spent most of his time pottering around the house, 
getting in the way. But one day when the weather was fine 
for flying, a number of gentleman angels dropped in on the 
old couple and asked if they could stake them to a bite to eat. 
Sarah went out to the chicken yard to wring the necks of a 
couple of hens, while Abe hustled into the pantry to see what 
he could find that would answer as a sort of first aid to the 
hungry. 

“The angels ate up everything, and then they sat back 
to await the second course. While they waited they told 
Abraham that there was no good reason why he should not 
have an heir if he wanted one. Sarah, who was just coming 
in with the chickens, all dressed and ready for the pan, heard 
them and laughed cynically. 

“But the fact remains that the angels stayed for some 


113 


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THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


time as guests of the family. And a few months after their 
departure a son was born to Sarah, — a nice little chap who 
was such a real young Jewish gentleman that they named him 
Isaac. And so at last Abraham ceased to worry about what 
would become of his money when he died.” 


Chapter XXVII 

“Abraham was very happy now, and he went to the store 
and bought a brand new baby buggy to haul little Isaac 
around in. He was very fond of exhibiting the boy to his 
friends and neighbors, and he decided that he would take a 
run over to Sodom and let his nephew Lot have a look at the 
heir. So he and Sarah took a train over to Sodom, a city 
which is said to have been almost as bad as Chicago. Just as 
they approached the city they learned through an extra 
paper that Sodom was about to be destroyed for its 
wickedness, and they saw people fleeing from the place. 
They got off the train and by good fortune met Mr. and 
Mrs Lot, who were streaking it off across the prairie in 
great haste. 

“Lot informed Abe that all persons had been warned not 
to look back upon the burning city, and of course none did, 
except Mrs. Lot, who, hearing a neighbor woman behind her 
and wondering what she had on, turned to look her over and 
at once became a pillar of salt. No one knows what sub- 
sequently became of the pillar, but it is believed that roam- 
ing bands of sheep licked it away. 

“Abe and Sarah returned to their home town. One day 
Sarah saw Hagar blowing a kiss at Abraham. All her old 
jealousy was revived and she became so furious that she 
drove Hagar out of the house. The poor girl took Ishmael 
in her arms and fled into the wilderness, where they almost 
perished from thirst. But Hagar finally found a well, where 
she filled her bottle with water and gave the lad a drink. 
Thus revived, Ishmael became strong and well. He made 
a bow and some arrows, and became so mighty a hunter that 
he died rich. 


115 


116 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“Isaac went to school and grew up a very intelligent lad. 
Vacation times he helped his father with the cattle. Abra- 
ham was now in his dotage, and was subject to ‘spells.’ 
Sometimes he was off his head entirely. One day he saddled 
his ass, and, taking Isaac, rode off into the wilderness. 
Three days later, after a lunch of bread and cheese, he sent 
Isaac out to pick flowers. When the boy was out of sight, 
the old man built an altar, piled wood on it, and prepared 
to burn his son as a sacrifice. Isaac came back in a short 
time and the old man seized him, bound him, and laid him 
on the altar. He was just ready to stick a long butcher knife 
into the boy when an old goat butted in, got tangled in Abie’s 
long whiskers, and gave the boy a chance to escape. Abe 
was so angry he burned the goat instead.” 


Chapter XXVIII 

“My brother, though the flame in the skull flickers and 
the candidate upstairs no doubt is weary of waiting, I will 
yet take time to tell you more of our first Grand Master, 
Adam, who was made Grand Master because he was a great 
man, the first in the world. And although he was made of 
dust, he was A No. 1. It is said that the dust from which he 
was made was the finest to be had, having been scooped up in 
the most desirable places by the angels Gabriel, Michael, 
Israfiel, and Azrael. Adam was a handsome chap, and the 
angels envied him greatly, for in all the universe none was so 
manly and so big as he. When he stood erect in Paradise, 
his head was above the clouds. 

“Some persons claim that in the beginning Adam was but 
a clay model, and that an angel blew the breath of life into 
his nostrils and made a real live Jew of him. At the same 
time the blood started coursing through his system and his 
gastric department began to feel the need of food. 

“Others would have you believe that when Adam was 
created he bore a tail like a monkey. The tail was thought 
to mar his beauty and was cut off. There being no apparent 
use for it, a woman was formed from it, — some people even 
insist that two women were made from the tail, Eve and 
Lillith. Lillith, his first wife, secured a divorce on grounds of 
incompatibility, and married the devil. The children of this 
union were called Jinns, beings which were half human and half 
devil. They had the power to go about as men and women, 
or to disappear entirely at will . A large number of these Jinns 
were employed in building temples, because they were very 
strong and could carry heavy stones up a ladder, and could 
shape the stones in any manner desired without a bit of noise.” 

117 


Chapter XXIX 

“My brother, one of the things which you did not learn 
in school is this : Where did the sons of Adam get their wives? 
This is a point that has been much disputed, but our records 
answer the question beyond all doubt. 

“After Adam and Eve settled in Ceylon they had many 
children, — fifteen thousand husky boys and an equal num- 
ber of handsome girls. (You may think that that figure is 
rather a high estimate, but I tell you that those were the 
days when things weren’t done by halves.) The children 
were all born twins, — a boy and a girl each time. These 
married when they reached maturity. It is said that the 
trouble between Cain and Abel arose when Cain’s twin began 
to make googoo eyes at Abel, whose style of beauty pleased 
her more than Cain’s. Cain was a big, strapping fellow, while 
Abel was woman-faced like the men of to-day. 

“Adam wore long, flowing whiskers. When his beard 
first started to grow, he was frightened, thinking he had 
sprouted a cornfield on his face. But the angel Gabriel 
quieted his fears by telling him that the whiskers were simply 
an ornament to disguise him from the wild women of that 
day. 

“It was in Ceylon that Adam and his sons and daughters 
discarded the fig leaves and began to wear shirts, skirts, and 
pantaloons. It is said that the fig leaves turned to dust, 
which was carried by the wind into all parts of Ceylon, falling 
to the ground and sprouting into plants that bore most 
fragrant spices and beautiful flowers, for which Ceylon has 
ever since been famous. 

“Adam was very wealthy. As he was about to die he 
called all of his thirty thousand children to his bedside and 

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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


119 


made his will, which was sealed by Gabriel, the administra- 
tor, and signed by sixty million angels as witnesses. It 
must have been an inspiring sight, — all those angels crowd- 
ing round with quill pens ready to affix their signatures to the 
parchment. Imagine a lawyer trying to break that will ! 

“Adam was buried in Adams Park in Ceylon, where his 
sepulcher was guarded by lions. His bones remained in the 
grave until Noah carried them into the ark. The remains 
of the world’s first man were eventually interred on the site 
where now stands our grand temple of Gee-hoo-sa-lem.” 


Chapter XXX 

“Another Grand Master of the T-T-O’s was Enoch, a 
tailor, who became famous by trying to sneak into Paradise. 
Refused admittance, he became angry and snipped off a part 
of an angel’s wing with his scissors. Enoch was very poor, 
for wages were low in those days, most people wearing home- 
made shirts — and not much else. He had little education, 
but knowledge wasn’t - much needed among the tailors at 
that time, for the clothing designs were very simple and easy 
to cut. It is said that Enoch was the chap that held the 
ladder upon which the angels went up and down, as seen by 
Jacob in his dream. (You will remember that Jake dreamed 
that he saw a ladder set up on the earth the top of which 
reached to heaven, and that angels were ascending and de- 
scending this ladder.) 

“When Enoch was still quite young, a mere lad of sixty- 
five in fact, his wife bore him a son who was called Methusaleh. 
This baby, it was thought, was destined to live forever, but 
the poor little fellow cashed in his chips just a short time be- 
fore he reached the thousand-year mark. Not bad, though, 
at that. 

“Now at the time that Enoch was Grand Master, a fel- 
low named Tubalcain, who was an honest village blacksmith, 
was Ceremony Master of the Sword. Tubalcain’s father 
Lamech, it is said, was responsible for the death of Cain. 
One Sunday morning the old man and his son were on their 
way to the synagogue when they met Cain. Tubalcain cried 
out to his father: ‘Span thy bow and arrow, father, and 
defend thyself!* And he did. He hit the mark the first 
shot, and in a moment Cain was lying dead by the roadside. 
When Lamech, who was blind, learned that he had killed 


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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 121 


Cain, he clapped his hands together so violently that his 
son, the blacksmith, was caught between them and smashed 
as flat as a pancake. He fell by the roadside and died at the 
side of Cain.” 


Chapter XXXI 

“My brother, I shall next introduce to you one of our 
most glorious Grand Masters, a young gentleman named 
Solomon, the son of David. Solomon was quite a lady’s 
man, and he didn’t care whether they were married or 
single. If he liked the looks of a young matron, he’d make 
her husband a general in his army, and send the army out on 
a ‘forlorn hope.’ The general would be killed in battle and 
Solomon would then take care of the widow. He also won 
renown by writing songs about a colored girl of whom he was 
enamoured, — tired of his own wife, of course. 

“Solomon possessed a good education, but he was the 
world’s champion boozer of his day. He was fond of bur- 
lesque shows, too, and the only reason he didn’t smoke cigar- 
ettes is that they had not been invented at that time. In 
all else he was a great sport. Many persons have wondered 
how he could be so gay and so loose with his money, for now- 
adays you never see a Jew who is willing to spend the mazuma 
like Solomon did. Everybody who ever tried to imitate 
Solomon has either landed in the penitentiary or gone down 
unmourned to an early grave. A single night of such 
howling orgies as Solomon used to carry on in his harem 
would land any common mortal in the morgue. 

“The police permitted him to make googoo eyes at every 
pretty girl he met on the street, for they knew that he was 
protected by his Jinns, just as the wealthy law-breakers are 
protected nowadays by the higher-ups in politics. Solomon 
died at the comparatively early age of fifty-five. 

“He has been rightfully credited with great wisdom, and 
as a jurist he was strictly fair. One story will illustrate his 
methods. Two women came into court where Solomon was 


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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 123 


the presiding judge. They were Tawing’ about a baby. 
Each woman claimed the child. Solomon stroked his beard 
a while, and then decided to carve the baby into equal por- 
tions and give each woman half. This seemed eminently 
fair, and one woman was satisfied with the verdict, but the 
other screamed and tore her hair so wildly that Solomon 
handed the child to the latter woman. In the decision which 
he handed down he stated that he knew that the child be- 
longed to the woman who kicked up all the fuss, for no natural 
mother would agree to have her baby chopped in two and 
apportioned between herself and another woman. 

“ Before he died, Solomon built a temple, the lumber 
for which was furnished by Hiram, the king of Tyre. This 
temple was threescore cubits in length, twenty in breadth, 
and thirty in height. Neither hammer nor axe, nor any tool 
of iron, was used in the building. The temple was over- 
laid with pure gold. After its completion, Solomon offered 
up a sacrifice of twenty-two thousand cattle and one hun- 
dred and twenty thousand sheep, and the whole community 
fasted for two weeks in celebration.” 


Chapter XXXII 

“My brother, another famous Grand Master of our illus- 
trious order was Elijah. He was a comical-looking old duffer, 
for though his whiskers were long and tangled, his head was 
as destitute of hair as a billiard ball. His most famous act 
was a trip to heaven in a chariot of fire. 

“Elijah won wide renown as a soothsayer and pres- 
tidigitator, performing many wonderful miracles and 
tricks. He could cause water to flow in dry ditches, and call 
down fire from heaven which consumed everything he didn’t 
like. He could cause the destruction of whole tribes of 
heathen, who probably were of no use to the world anyhow. 
He caused a senile woman to bear a child, which later died 
of sunstroke; but Elijah restored the child’s life. 

“He could make poison weeds good to eat. He cured 
leprosy, provided food in time of famine, caused men to go 
blind and then restored their sight; and in short performed 
wonders too numerous to mention. Once he came to the 
River Jordan, took off his mantle, smote the water with it, 
and caused the water to divide so that he could walk between 
the solid walls of water, dry shod, to the opposite bank of the 
river. When he wanted to start a fire, he simply read a 
prayer and sparks and flame shot out of his nostrils. 

“On one occasion Elijah was living in a cave, near a 
creek where he got his water. Flocks of crows, picked and 
roasted, flew into the cave and he had plenty of young 
fowl to eat while it lasted. But after a while the creek went 
dry and he was forced to seek other quarters. He went to 
the house of a widow, who was on the verge of starvation. 
He waved his hand, and presto! The flour barrel and oil 
cruses were filled at once. Miraculous as this may seem, 

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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 125 


it is nothing when compared with what followed; for as fast 
as the contents of the flour barrel and other food receptacles 
were eaten, they became filled again. So that the widow 
was never again in want. One day the widow’s son became 
ill and died. But Elijah had no trouble in bringing him back 
to life. 

“Elijah took a great interest in politics, which displeased 
Pharaoh, who sent fifty of his best policemen to arrest Elijah 
and bring him before the king. Lije was sitting on top of a 
hill, and when he saw the cops coming he pulled a string and 
a rain of fire and brimstone fell from heaven and consumed 
the police. Then Pharaoh sent another fifty. Again the 
fire and brimstone put them out of business. A third fifty 
policemen started up the hillafter Elijah, butinstead of trying 
to take him by force they fell on their knees and begged him 
to be merciful. Elijah took pity on the craven bunch and 
went with them. But the chronicles do not state what 
happened to him. 

“ Finally, after a lifetime of good deeds, Elijah was carried 
up to heaven in a chariot of fire, driven by an angel dressed 
in a suit of asbestos.” 


Chapter XXXIII 

“Now when Elijah said good bye to his brother Elisha, he 
told the latter to wish for something and it would be granted 
him. Elisha wished for a double portion of his spirit. This 
was a pretty tough proposition even for Elijah, but, just as 
he climbed into the fiery chariot and started up, he flung his 
mantle on to the ground, thinking that since he would have 
no further use for it, its magic powers might as well be trans- 
ferred to his brother Elisha. 

“Elisha was much surprised to see his elder brother de- 
parting in such glory, and he rent his clothes in sorrow. 
Then, feeling a draft, he put on Elijah’s mantle, and at once 
found himself endowed with all of the miraculous powers his 
brother had possessed. Elisha, also, wore a long beard, 
and his head was as bald as Elijah’s, resembling the full moon 
on a cloudless night. 

“A lot of children were playing on the banks of the 
Jordan when Elijah made his spectacular flight upward. 
They saw the mantle fall at the feet of Elisha, and saw him 
pick it up and put it on. Then they tried to guy the old 
duffer, saying, ‘Why don’t you try to fly, too, Baldy? Go 
up, thou baldhead!’ Elisha turned on them and cursed 
them, and just to show that he was there with the power 
he caused two she-bears to come forth from the woods and 
tear to pieces no less than forty-two of his tormenters. 
Thereafter his reputation as a prestidigitator was established. 

“Elisha took off his mantle and smote the waters of the 
Jordan. The water rolled back, forming a lane to the other 
side, and Elisha crossed over. On the other side he met 
Naaman, a leper. Elisha told Naaman to wash himself 
seven times in the Jordan and he should be cured. Naaman 


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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 127 


dipped himself in the creek seven times, and surely enough 
he came forth from the water with his flesh as whole and 
clean as that of a little child. 

“Elisha was the first man who ever succeeded in making 
iron float upon water. A woodcutter working on the bank 
of the Jordan one day lost the head of his axe in the river. 
He was much worried because the axe was a borrowed one. 
He appealed to Elisha to help him. Elisha told him to cut 
a stick and throw it into the water. The woodcutter did 
so, and lo ! the axe-head rose to the surface and floated on the 
water. The woodcutter reached out his hand and secured it, 
and was happy again. 

“Elisha performed many other wonders and became as 
famous as his brother. But he was not permitted to go to 
heaven in a chariot of fire; he just lay down and died like 
an ordinary mortal.” 


Chapter XXXIV 

“Another prominent Grand Master was Job, who lived in 
the Land of Uz. Job was well nigh perfect and was upright 
in the sight of his Lord; but he had nevertheless some trans- 
actions with the devil which brought him trouble and suffer- 
ing as long as he lived. 

“Job became rich just the same. He owned no less than 
seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred 
yoke of oxen, and five hundred she-asses. He was considered 
the wealthiest man in the East. But he had his troubles. 

“The devil, who had helped Job amass all his riches, 
thought he owned him body and soul. Job couldn’t see it 
that way. But the devil kept after him until Job was so 
exasperated that he rent his mantle and cried: ‘Naked came 
I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither.’ 
The devil tortured Job with boils, — his body was covered 
with them from the soles of his feet to the crown of his 
head, — and Job was forced to sit on an ash heap for seven 
years. 

“And Job cried : ‘ Why died I not in the womb?’ And he 
tried to be good, exclaiming: ‘Shall mortal man be more 
just than God? Shall a man be more pure than his Maker? 
Yet man is born unto trouble and the counsel of the froward 
is carried headlong!’ 

“‘Teach me,’ he called upon his Lord, ‘and I will hold 
my tongue and cause myself to understand wherein I have 
erred. Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth? 
Are not the days also like the days of an hireling? But we 
are but of yesterday and know nothing, because our days 
upon earth are as a shadow. Can the rush grow up with- 
out mire? Can the flag grow without water?’ 

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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 129 

“And his prayer was answered: ‘Behold, God will not 
cast away a perfect man, neither will He help the evil doers, 
until thy mouth shall be filled with laughing and thy lips 
with rejoicing. Them that hate shall be clothed with shame 
and the wicked shall come to nought.’ 

“And Job cried: ‘I beseech thee, O God, that thou hast 
made me out of clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again? 
Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like 
cheese? Thou hast clothed me with skin and flesh, and hast 
fenced me with bones and sinews. Thou hast granted me 
life and favor and preserved my spirit, and if I sin thou 
markest me and will not acquit me from mine iniquity. 
Man that is born of woman is of few days and full of trouble. 
He cometh forth like a flower and is cut down. He fleeth 
as a shadow and continueth not.’ 

“Job proved to be an able Grand Master despite his 
trials. With the Club of Cain he performed many wonderful 
tricks, such, for example, as turning grubworms into silk- 
worms; and with the magic club he changed the flies that 
tortured his sores into honey bees, which made honey for 
him to eat as well as to use as a salve for his boils. So after 
all the devil could not get the best of him. 

“And when Job died the angels gathered round him and 
played upon their harps and flutes and tambourines, and 
when the devil was asleep they took Job away, soul and body. 
In all his experience the devil was never so disappointed.” 


Chapter XXXV 

“Another prominent Grand Master, my brother, was 
Jacob, the son of Isaac. Jacob left his father’s home when 
he was quite young, and wandered about the country in 
search of a job as a farm hand. When finally he came into 
the land of the people of the east he found employment on the 
ranch of a rich fellow named Laban, who had two daughters, 
Rachel and Leah. 

“Leah was a tender-eyed damsel, but not particularly 
prepossessing. But Rachel was a hummer for looks, being 
beautiful in face and figure. Jacob had been working for 
Laban some time when he fell in love with Rachel, and he 
went to the old man and offered to do all the chores around 
the place for seven years if Laban would give him Rachel 
for his wife, and throw in a pair of linen pants now and then. 
Laban, who was a shrewd fellow, accepted the offer and 
Jake went to work. The seven years passed quickly and 
Jacob demanded that Laban keep his part of the agreement 
and deliver the daughter. ‘Give me my wife,’ said Jacob, 
‘for my days are fulfilled.’ 

“Laban expressed himself as being willing to keep his 
word, and all the men in the neighborhood were invited to the 
wedding feast. In those days only the men attended the 
banquets, while the women worked in the kitchen and 
waited on the men at the table. 

“At the feast Laban personally supervised the wine 
pouring and saw to it that everybody had plenty, though he 
himself contrived to remain sober. The bridegroom was 
completely befuddled and late at night when he called for his 
bride Laban palmed off Leah on him, thinking that Jacob 
was so drunk that he wouldn’t know the difference. 


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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


131 


“And he didn’t until he woke up next morning with a 
bursting headache and saw Leah’s head on the pillow beside 
him. Wow! Jacob was mad. He jumped into his overalls 
and started out to find Laban, who, expecting trouble, had 
hidden in the hay-loft. There was a good old-fashioned 
family row, but Laban, armed with a pitchfork, finally 
calmed Jacob down so that he could listen to another pro- 
posal, which was to the effect that if Jacob would do the 
chores around the place for another seven years he could have 
Rachel too. 

“Jacob saw that he couldn’t do any better, so he agreed. 
The next seven years did not pass so rapidly but at length he 
received his reward. Jacob didn’t care much for Leah nor 
for their son Reuben, Leah’s boy. But when Rachel bore 
him a son, a handsome little Jewish fellow whom they named 
Joseph, he was happy indeed. Unfortunately little Joe 
was sold by his brothers to some Egyptian slave-dealers. 

“Jacob finally evened up the score with his tricky 
father-in-law\ Laban had told him that when he married 
Rachel he could have all the cattle that were spotted. So 
Jacob experimented with the juice of green poplar, hazel, 
and chestnut trees until he found that he could color the 
cattle. He set rods in the gutters where the cattle came to 
drink, and the result was that when they conceived they 
nearly all bore calves that were ring-streaked, speckled and 
spotted. In this manner he gained possession of the greater 
part of the herd, and as time went on he became the owner 
of more cattle, camels, and asses, as well as maidservants 
and manservants, than old Laban himself.” 


Chapter XXXVI 

“ My brother, I dislike to keep our other candidate waiting 
so long. Yet I will take time to tell you of another famous 
Grand Master named Moses. He also was a Jew, and had 
a brother named Aaron, who, if I remember aright, was 
Master of the Cain Club. 

“Moses was the son of a daughter of Levi, who, when she 
discovered he was a Jew, made a small ark of bulrushes, well 
daubed with slime and pitch, put the baby in it and laid it 
among the flags on the brink of the river. Pharaoh’s daugh- 
ter was taking a swim in the river one day when she dis- 
covered the child and took it home with her. He was such 
a cute, dimpled little darling that she decided to raise him. 
So he grew up a good Jew, and was called Moses because he 
was found in the water. 

“When Moses was grown, Pharaoh, discovering that he 
was a Jew, drove him out of the house. Moses finally 
wandered into the house of a priest who had seven daughters, 
with one of whom Moses fell in love. They were married, 
and Zipporah, his wife, bore him a son who was called 
Gershom. 

“In course of time Moses’ worth was recognized and he 
was chosen leader of the whole tribe of Israel. The Lord 
met him one day when Moses had his Cain Club in his 
hand. 

“‘What is in thy hand?’ asked the Lord. 

‘“A club,’ answered Moses. 

“‘Cast it upon the ground,’ he was commanded. He 
did so and it became a serpent. Then he was commanded 
to pick up the serpent by the tail. He did so, and it changed 
back to a club in his hand. 


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TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 


133 


“Moses learned the trick, and he and his brother iVaron 
studied up some more clever stunts of the same kind. The 
Lord again spoke to Moses, ordering him to put his hand into 
his bosom. Moses did so and when he pulled it out the hand 
was leprous and white as snow. And the Lord said further 
to Moses, ‘ Put thy hand in thy bosom.’ He did so, and when 
he removed it the hand was as well as ever. 

“Moses could strike a mountain with his club, making 
the mountain weep tears that made the finest kind of drink- 
ing water. He learned so many clever tricks that he de- 
cided to go before Pharaoh and pull off some of them in the 
hope that he might scare Pharaoh into freeing the people of 
Israel. So he and his brother went into the land of Pharaoh 
and sought audience with the king. Gaining admittance to 
the palace, they cast down the club before the king and the 
club became a serpent. But Pharaoh only laughed, for he 
had magicians in his court who could do the same thing. 
He called them in and showed the brothers that they were 
pulling old stuff. Then Aaron cast the club upon the ground 
and it became so large a serpent that it ate up all the little 
ones Pharaoh’s magicians had made. 

“This so impressed Pharaoh that he promised to free the 
children of Israel. But he failed to keep his promise, for 
they were all good brick-makers and he did not intend to 
let them go. 

“Then Aaron smote the dust of Egypt with the club and 
the dust was changed into lice. The court magicians tried 
to do this, but they couldn’t make even a bedbug. Aaron 
walked off with the blue ribbon all right, and Pharaoh ex- 
pressed a willingness to surrender. But he thought it over 
and decided again that he couldn’t afford to give up his best 
brick-makers. 

“So, aided by the magic Club of Cain, Moses called down 
plagues upon the land of Pharaoh. He smote the water of 
the river and the water turned to blood. The water was 
loathsome and none was fit to drink; the fishes died and the 


134 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


water smelled bad. Then Aaron stretched out his hand and 
the whole land of Egypt was covered with frogs, and myr- 
iads of flies filled the air. Pharaoh again promised to free 
the children of Israel, but just as soon as the frogs had hopped 
away and the flies had disappeared he changed his mind and 
decided to keep the Israelites in bondage a while longer. 
Pharaoh was a crook, — and a good one, as you can see. 

“Moses took a handful of ashes from the furnace and 
tossed it into the air. At once a plague of boils spread over 
the land. Every living thing was afflicted with boils. This 
was followed by a pestilence, and finally by a storm in which 
fire and hail fell upon the land destroying the herbs of the 
fields and killing thousands of people. The thunder that 
roared was the worst ever heard in the land. Again Pharaoh 
promised to liberate the chosen people, and again as soon as 
things began to clear up and the hail stopped falling, he 
changed his mind. 

“Moses next called for a plague of locusts, and the 
locusts came and ate up every herb in the fields that had 
escaped the hail. Upon receiving Pharaoh's promise again, 
Moses stirred up a wind from the west that swept the locusts 
into the Red Sea. Still Pharaoh wouldn’t keep his promise. 

“‘All right,’ said Moses. ‘If I must be rough I’ll think 
up something good.’ So he caused a darkness to come over 
the land which lasted for three days. None but the Is- 
raelites had lights in their homes. That didn’t faze Pharaoh. 

“‘Gosh!’ said Moses, ‘how I dread to be mean to them, 
but here goes.’ And he caused it to be announced over all 
the land that every firstborn in the land, of man or beast, 
should die. None was to be exempt, from the Pharaoh him- 
self down to the lowliest maidservant, except the children 
of Israel. And a great cry went up from Egypt. The 
Israelites were instructed to take a sprig of hyssop, to dip it 
in the blood of a lamb, and to paint their door posts and 
lintels with the blood; and under no circumstances were they 
to leave their houses during the night. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 135 

“And at midnight a heavy darkness fell over the land 
of Egypt. The moon and the stars were hidden. And an 
angel with a bludgeon strode through the land knocking the 
brains out of every firstborn of man or beast. The Israelites 
were not harmed, for when the angel saw the blood upon their 
doors he passed them by. 

“This was too much for Pharaoh, and he surrendered 
at last. He liberated the children of Israel, who immediately 
prepared to start for Canaan, the promised land. They 
took their dough and their kneading-troughs upon their 
shoulders and borrowed raiment and jewels of gold and silver 
from the Egyptians, who were so glad to get rid of the brick- 
makers that they gave them everything they asked for, and 
were thereby much impoverished. 

“As the children of Israel journeyed through the wilder- 
ness a pillar of cloud led them by day and a pillar of fire by 
night. And they traveled in the direction of the Red Sea. 
About this time Pharaoh began to get angry, and decided to 
avenge himself. He routed out all his best fighters, loaded 
them into six hundred chariots and started in pursuit of the 
fleeing Israelites. He overtook them just as they were 
making camp by the sea, and w r as about to attack them with 
his gang of thugs, when Moses lifted up his hands to heaven, 
and the waters of the sea divided, permitting the Israelites 
to cross over without wetting their feet. The Egyptians 
attempted to follow them, driving their chariots through 
the lane between the waters. When they got about half 
way across the waters closed again and all were drowned. 
Thus were the children of Israel saved from the vengeance 
of Pharaoh. 

“They traveled on, led as before by the pillars of cloud 
and fire. When they came to a barren country and food was 
scarce, Moses smote the ground and provided a meal of pre- 
pared peanuts, and when they thirsted Moses smote a moun- 
tain with his club and nice fresh drinking water gushed out. 
It was pretty soft for the Israelites. And so they traveled 


136 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

for forty years. No wonder the Jews have been wanderers 
ever since! 

“Finally they reached their promised land of Canaan, 
and were happy. At once they erected altars and offered 
up sacrifices of every description. Moses used thousands of 
barrels of fresh lamb’s blood, not only covering the altars 
with it, but sprinkling it upon the garments of the Israelites 
also. They were a hard-looking lot as they returned from 
their prayer meetings with blood dripping from their shirt 
tails on to their sandals at every step. They destroyed a lot 
of valuable property in offering up their sacrifices: rams, 
goats, lambs, and young bulls; gold, silver, brass, and fine 
linen of blue, purple, and ‘scarlet; goats’ hair, dyed ram- 
skin, ' badger-skin, skittim-weed, oils, and spices; anointing 
oils and sweet incense; onyx stones set in ephods and 
breast-plates. And in addition to this wholesale destruc- 
tion, they perfumed the altars daily with special ointments 
and flavoring extracts. Indubitably the altars needed puri- 
fying. 

“Later they made a golden calf, which they worshiped. 
This was no way to repay the Lord who had liberated them 
from their thraldom, so Moses cursed them. And hordes of 
red-hot hissing snakes were sent among them to punish them 
for their idolatry. When Moses felt that they had been 
sufficiently bitten and scorched, he took pity on them and 
made a large snake of gold and copper which he hung up in a 
public place, so that all who had been poisoned by the snakes 
could gaze upon it and recover from their snake bites. It 
is too bad that this snake was not preserved for use now- 
adays in prohibition districts. 

“Some time after the incident I have just described, the 
Israelites, desiring a place in which they might worship 
their God, built a tabernacle, or temple. Upon the com- 
pletion of this edifice, it was dedicated as a memorial to the 
winning of their freedom from Egypt, the land of their 
thraldom. The ceremony of dedication was a magnificent 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 137 

one, the festival beginning at sunset on the twenty-fifth 
day of the month Od Kislev. 

“The Syrian king, Antiochus Episphanes, upon learning 
of this glorious celebration, at once set up the statue of a 
pagan deity and attempted to compel the Israelites, — or 
Jews, as they have later become known, — to worship it and 
abandon their own historic faith. This act of despotism 
provoked a bitter revolt in which the Jews, led by the famous 
Judas Maccabeus and his brothers, eventually defeated 
the Syrian armies. When their victory was complete they 
re-entered their temple and rededicated it as the center of 
Jewish worship. 

“This second ceremony of dedication occurred also on 
the twenty-fifth day of the month Od Kislev, and so this day 
took on an added significance in the eyes of the Jews; for in 
addition to being the memorial of their emancipation from 
slavery under Pharaoh, it was as well the day which marked 
the end of religious tyranny. Thus was born religious 
liberty. 

“According to Jewish custom, the festival continues for 
eight days, eight days of song and thanksgiving which are 
regarded as legal holidays. The celebration is marked by 
special prayers of thanks and psalms of praise, which have 
become a part of their daily ritual, and by the kindling of 
Channukah Lights. These are lighted, one on the first 
day, two on the second, three on the third, and so on, adding 
one for each successive day of the feast. In this manner the 
celebration became known as the Feast of Lights. 

“The reason for this kindling of lights we learn from an 
old legend : When Judas Maccabeus with his victorious army 
had rededicated the temple and cleansed it of all of the 
impurities of idolatry, he discovered that the holy cruses 
contained only enough oil to keep the perpetual light burning 
for one day. A new supply of oil could not be procured for 
a long time. But the light burned on and on, day after day, 
for the small quantity of oil was each day miraculously re- 


138 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


newed. In commemoration of this miracle, it was ordained 
that the lights should at this season be kindled in every 
Jewish home for a period of eight days. The practice has 
been observed by Jewish families ever since, and it has 
become their custom to place the lights in windows and 
doorways to light the streets. 

“One ancient tradition, my brother, is to the effect that 
Judas Maccabeus selected this day as the beginning of the 
festival because it fell exactly three years after the date of the 
defiling of the temple by Antiochus. Another tradition says 
that Judas ordained that the day should be celebrated in 
commemoration of the completion of the grand temple at 
Gee-hoo-sa-lem, which had been erected by the Jews after 
their deliverance from Egypt. 

“Brother, I presume you are familiar with the Jewish 
holidays ?” 

“No,” replied the candidate. “I know nothing about 
special Jewish holidays. I have been under the impression 
that all their days were holidays, for I never saw a Jew work; 
and the few Jews here in our town do not seem even to respect 
the sabbath.” 

The Master smiled and was about to speak further upon 
the subject of the Jews, but the lateness of the hour impelled 
him to turn to the discussion of another Grand Master of our 
glorious lodge. 


Chapter XXXVII 

“My brother, if the candidate upstairs is still awake, he 
must be getting impatient. But nevertheless I am going to 
take time to tell you of another illustrious Grand Master of 
the Order of T-T-O’s. His name was Ezekiel. Zeke was a 
smart fellow, though he gained his education in a most pe- 
culiar manner. Instead of reading and studying books, as 
most persons are forced to do, he acquired a complete com- 
prehension of their contents by eating them, cover and all. 
As soon as he swallowed a book, he knew everything in it, no 
matter what the story might be. In this manner he obtained 
a wonderful education. 

“Strange visions came to him. Once he saw a whirl- 
wind coming from the north, a great cloud enfolding fire, 
and in the fire the color of amber. And he saw four living 
creatures each in the form of a man, and each had four heads 
and four wings, and their feet were like cows’ feet and they 
sparkled like brass. They had hands under their wings; 
and four of them had faces like lions; four like oxen; and four 
like eagles; and they appeared like burning coals of fire. 
And the fire was bright, and out from the fire went forth 
lightning. If anyone were to see such things nowadays, 
we would know he had had too many whisky straights. 

“Ezekiel had wheels in his head, also. He saw animals 
being chased by wheels that had eyes, and the spirit of living 
creatures was in the wheels. And he saw a roll of manu- 
script that was covered on both sides with words: lamenta- 
tions, mournings, and woe. He ate the whole roll, and be- 
came a great speaker. 

“He ate nothing but barley bread, and he never drank 
anything stronger than water. If we could satisfy ourselves 

139 


140 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

to-day with such a diet, perhaps we too could become 
prophets. 

“Every day he had visitors from heaven; angels who were 
sent down to keep track of the Israelites. These angels were 
bookkeepers, and were supplied with ledgers and ink-horns. 

“As Grand Master he became a great lecturer. He spoke 
so fluently and so interestingly that he could make anyone or 
anything listen to him. One day when he couldn’t find a 
living audience he went out to the graveyard and lectured 
to the dead ones in their graves. He talked so well that they 
all sat up to listen to him. And later he lectured to the wild 
beasts and birds of the jungle, but whether he persuaded any 
of them to join the order has never been made known to us.” 


Chapter XXXVIII 

“Another Grand Master who did much for the order was 
Daniel, a very clever fellow, whose specialty was the inter- 
pretation of dreams. 

“The king of the land awoke one morning from a dream 
and wanted to know what it meant. He sent for his wise 
men, — all the magicians and astrologers and sorcerers in 
the land, — and told them of his dream. But none could 
interpret its meaning, and the king was so angry that he 
threatened to destroy the whole lot. Daniel heard about 
it and told the king’s guards that he was pretty clever 
along that line, and probably he could tell the king what 
his dream meant. The guards took Dan before the poten- 
tate who repeated his story of the dream, and right off 
the bat Danny told him its meaning. The king was so 
pleased that he made Daniel ruler over the province of 
Babylon. 

“In his new job Daniel did a bit of wirepulling and got 
good fat jobs for his Jewish friends, Shadrach, Meshach, and 
Abednego. These fellows had been looking for municipal 
jobs and were happy. 

“ Later, the king made an image of gold and commanded 
that all persons, including princes and rulers, worship the 
image. Dan and his Jewish friends of course did not obey 
the order. And a clique composed of disgruntled politicians 
who wanted the jobs Daniel’s friends were holding called 
on the king one day and told him about it. One of them 
said : ‘ O King, live forever ! We will all worship your image; 
and whoso falleth not down to worship the golden image of 
the king, we demand that he be cast into a fiery furnace. 
There are certain Jews whom thou, O King, hast set over the 


142 THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

affairs of certain provinces who have not regarded thee, O 
King.’ 

“The king was angered by this news and commanded that 
the Jews be brought before him at once. They came; and 
when the king asked them if they were willing to worship 
the image which he had set up they intimated that they were 
not. The king became furious and ordered the furnace 
heated seven times hotter than usual in such cases. And 
when the temperature reached the desired degree, Shadrach, 
Meshach, and Abednego were thrown into the flames. 
But the joke was on the king, for they walked about in the 
fire unharmed, not a hair of the heads, not even their gar- 
ments, being singed. 

“Nebuchadnezzar, the king, was so astonished that he 
changed his mind, released the Jews and permitted them to 
worship their own God. And they were promoted to better 
jobs in Babylon. 

“ Belshazzar then became king. Once when he had made 
a great feast for a thousand of his henchmen, he ordered 
brought to the banquet room all the gold and silver vessels 
that his father, King Nebuchadnezzar, had taken out from 
the temple, that he and his princes and their wives might 
drink therefrom. 

“They drank wine and praised the gods of gold and of 
silver, of brass, iron, wood, and stone. And there appeared 
the form of a man’s hand which wrote over against the 
candlestick upon the pilaster of the wall of the king’s ban- 
quet hall. The king saw the hand and the writing, and, as 
he had had at least one drink too many, his conscience smote 
him, and his knees knocked together. 

“He cried aloud to his soothsayers and astrologers, 
exclaiming: ‘Whosoever shall read this writing and show 
me the interpretation thereof shall be clothed in scarlet 
and have a chain of gold around his neck, and shall be 
the third ruler in the kingdom.’ But none could read the 
writing. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 143 

“Then spoke the queen: ‘O King, live forever! Don’t 
let that scribbling worry you. Call in “that Daniel fellow 
whom your father, the king, made master of the magicians, 
the astrologers, and the soothsayers, and he will show you the 
interpretation.’ 

“So Daniel was brought before the king and at once 
read the writing. The words were 4 Mene, Mene , Tekel , 
Upharsin * And Daniel interpreted these words thus: 
‘God has numbered thy kingdom and finished it. Thou 
art weighed in the balance and found wanting. Thy king- 
dom is divided and given to the Medes and the Persians.’ 
And Daniel was clothed in scarlet, a gold chain was put 
around his neck, and he was made the third ruler of the 
kingdom. 

“The princes and rulers were much astonished and dis- 
gruntled to see Daniel elevated to a position of such honor, 
and sought to humble him. Finally they found a way to do 
so. They went to the king with tales that convinced the 
king that Daniel was unworthy to hold his job, and Daniel 
was cast into a den of lions. The king himself set a seal upon 
the door of the den and went to bed believing that would be 
the finish of Danny. But Dan was a lion tamer and knew 
how to keep the king of beasts in his corner ; so when the king 
came down to the den next morning he found Daniel alive 
and well, quite unharmed, while the lions were backed off in 
a corner with their tails between their legs. The king was so 
impressed by this that he released Daniel and tossed his 
accusers to the lions, which promptly made a meal of them. 
Daniel prospered thereafter. 

“Shortly after this experience, Daniel himself had a 
dream, and in his vision he saw that the four winds of heaven 
strove upon the great sea. And four great beasts came up 
from the sea. The first was like a lion with the wings of an 
eagle. The second was like a bear, and had three ribs in his 
mouth. The third was like a leopard, with four wings and 
four heads. And the last had great iron teeth and ten horns, 


144 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


and in each of the horns was a human eye; the hair on its 
head was pure wool. 

“And he interpreted his own dream, saying that the four 
great beasts were four kings which should arise out of the 
earth (very likely Wilhelm, George, Peter, and Franz Josef). 
And the ten horns also were ten kings which should arise.” 


Chapter XXXIX 

“My brother, I shall tell you of only one more of our 
illustrious Grand Masters. His name was Jonah, and he was 
so hard a worker for our order that he even made a lodge room 
in a fish’s belly. He was the first submarine sailor, although 
he did not make so long a trip as Captain Koenig in the 
Deutschland. Jonah’s submarine was a whale, especially 
fitted to accommodate passengers. 

“En route to Nineveh, Jonah took passage on a ship, 
which far out at sea ran into a storm, so mighty a tempest 
that it seemed inevitable that the ship would be destroyed. 
The sailors cast overboard all of the cargo in an effort to 
lighten the ship. Jonah slept peacefully through the storm, 
so peacefully in fact that the captain and crew reasoned that 
since he did not fear the storm he must in some way be re- 
sponsible for it. They woke him up and made him draw lots 
with the sailors to determine whose fault the storm was. 
Jonah drew the short straw, and was dumped overboard 
into the water. Immediately the raging sea became quiet. 

“Just then a whale happened along and swallowed Jonah. 
But he proved to be indigestible; and after suffering with 
acute indigestion for three days, during which time Jonah 
was enjoying his most novel nautical experience, the whale 
steered into port and vomited Jonah up on to dry land 
again. 

“Jonah proceeded to Nineveh, where he walked up and 
down the streets, shouting: ‘Yet forty days and Nineveh 
shall be overthrown.’ The people were frightened and pro- 
claimed a fast and put on sack cloth. Even the king laid 
aside his royal robe and sat on an ash heap, clothed in a 
scratchy gunny-sack. 


145 


146 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


“And Jonah went out of the city, and sat at the east end 
of the city, where he made himself a booth and sat himself in 
the shade to see what would happen to Nineveh. And a 
gourd grew up around him, and Jonah was exceeding glad 
that he had shade for his head. But a worm attacked the 
gourd and it withered, so that Jonah was saddened and de- 
sired to die. For the forty days had passed and Nineveh 
still stood, and he knew that his reputation as a soothsayer 
was lost forever. He knew he had made a monkey of him- 
self, and felt that it were better for him to die than to live. 
No wonder he wanted to die, after fooling sixscore thousand 
people in the city! 

“My brother, you will have observed from my remarks 
to-night that all of our former Grand Masters were good men, 
well educated, and not afraid of having their names before the 
public. 

“I could of course explain much more, but because of the 
candidate who still awaits his initiation I have tried to make 
my lecture as short as possible. Still, as Grand Master I am 
required to know a great many things, and it is necessary for 
me to impress you with a full appreciation of my immense 
fund of knowledge, else I might lose my job.” 


Chapter XL 

“My brother, the lecture of the ninety-ninth degree is 
now ended. Henceforth you are entitled to the privilege of 
partaking in all our grotto work, and to all the rights and 
benefits of the highest degree in this order. 

“You will now kneel and kiss the brow of Noah’s skull. 
I do hereby confer upon you the ninety-ninth degree, and 
proclaim you an able and worthy supporter of the order. 
I trust that in accordance with your obligations you will ever 
remain a true and worthy brother, and that you will work for 
the interests of the order.” 

Continuing, the doctor made a few more remarks con- 
cerning the duties of the candidate, and then asked him if he 
clearly understood what he had seen and heard during his 
initiation. 

“I do not understand it all,” replied Gust, “but I believe 
it just the same.” 

“I believe you have answered truly,” said the doctor; 
“for if you could truthfully say that you understand all that 
I have told you to-night, you would know more than the 
Grand Master himself.” 

The initiation was now finished. We gave the new 
brother a shake of the hand in token of his welcome, and pre- 
pared to initiate the other candidate. Gust was placed at 
one side of the altar with the Club of Cain in his hand, while 
I stood at the other side holding the sword. The lodge was 
opened in the first degree, and we were instructed as to our 
duties. Then the Master took his seat at the throne, and 
commanded me to bring down the candidate. 

Chuckling, I went upstairs to get him, but I found him 
not. He had become frightened and had skipped. With 

147 


148 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


his hands tied behind him, he had raised the window with 
his teeth, and had jumped out. 

We were greatly disappointed, of course, and spent half 
the night hunting for him without avail. Early in the 
morning we gave up the search and returned to the doctor’s, 
where lodge was duly closed. Then Gust and I went home 
to bed. 

Later we learned that Charley had been so frightened 
that he left town. He came back in a couple of days, and 
went about town spreading the most outrageous stories he 
could invent about the doctor and me, making it impossible 
for us to get any more candidates. He not only spoiled our 
fun in the lodge, but he succeeded in casting suspicion upon 
us; so that the townspeople would not associate with us, or, 
in fact, speak to us if they could avoid it. They were afraid 
of us. 

Gust was loyal, however, and almost every evening during 
the following week the three of us met and enjoyed a social 
game of cards at the doctor’s house. Both of us, being newly 
installed members, were anxious to learn more about the 
order. 

The doctor seemed to think that now, since he and Gust 
were friends, he might have a better chance to win Eleanor, 
for he knew he could depend upon Gust to speak a good 
word for him. I tried to get the old tanner interested in our 
lodge, filling him up with champagne and punch at the hotel 
bar, and explaining the objects of the order to him in the 
rosiest terms. But he would have nothing to do with it, 
especially after he learned that Hirschfield was at the head of 
it. Gust also tried to interest his father, but failed. 

These failures were disappointing to the doctor, who for 
a time had seemed quite hopeful. Now he changed again 
and became morose and dispirited; and one day he told me 
that while he disliked the idea of making away with himself, 
he felt that, like Jonah, he would be better off dead than 
alive. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXXO ORDER 149 

I tried to encourage him, but he refused to listen to me. 
He became more and more despondent, until one night he 
told me that he would make just one more effort to win 
Eleanor away from her parents. He would try the effect of 
spiritualism if he could persuade Gust to bring the girl to the 
lodge room some night. 

The next Sunday Gust and I went to lodge. The doctor 
was well prepared to entertain us. We descended to the 
cellar, lighted the flame in the skull of Noah, fastened the 
door securely and took our places. The doctor ascended the 
throne, and read a short prayer. 

The lodge was now opened with due ceremony, and the 
doctor, who until now had kept secret even from me the fact 
that he was an accomplished ventriloquist, caused a strange 
voice, which he told us was the voice of Noah, to issue from 
beaneath the altar. 

The voice directed the Master of the Club of Cain, if 
he should have a sister living, to bring her into the grotto the 
following Sunday evening, without fail, when she should be 
installed as Over-Mistress of the Order, and accorded the 
inestimable honor of being the first woman member of the 
T-T-O. 

The doctor warned Gust not to fail to obey the order that 
had come direct from the skull of our father Noah, else both 
he and his sister would be haunted forever by ghosts, and 
perhaps would be strangled to death, in the dead of night, 
by the hand of some unseen power. 

The doctor spoke so impressively, and with such an air of 
sincerity, that Gust was frightened. He believed the whole 
story, and swore that he would have Eleanor in the lodge 
room at the time set if he had to carry her on his back. The 
doctor beamed with joy. He read to us a little poem he 
had composed, the lodge was closed, and we adjourned 
to the upper room where, in the doctor’s apartment, we 
smoked his cigars and played a few games of cards before 
going home. 


150 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 


I never have been able to understand the tanner’s aversion 
to Doctor Hirschfield. The doctor was a good fellow, espe- 
cially when he had money. He was the best-looking man I 
have ever seen, — neatly dressed, well groomed, his mustache 
nicely curled and his whole attire and personality bespeaking 
the gentleman. He was jolly, too, when he was not “in the 
dumps.” And he was so handsome and prepossessing in 
appearance that, when he went for a stroll with “Swatty,” 
he might easily have been mistaken for an Egyptian noble- 
man. He possessed a natural talent for music, and could 
play well upon a waldhorn or a harmonica, while he was 
clever in card tricks and other drawing-room accomplish- 
ments. Yet he could not win Eleanor away from her father, 
and he could not gain the tanner’s confidence because of the 
story the hotel-keeper had told of him. 

It seemed that the doctor, like Moses, had thrown his 
club upon the ground, and it had turned into a serpent that 
drove the hearts of those he loved best away from him. And, 
too, he was very poor. 

Eleanor was as sweet and pretty as an angel, and one 
was forced to wonder how so fair a flower could emanate 
from so repulsive a stock as her father, who was a stiff and 
shriveled old curmudgeon with slanting shoulders, thickly 
calloused hands, and a face deeply creased with wrinkles. 
His visage wore always that anxious, strained appearance 
which results from a lifetime of monotonous labor and 
shrewd scheming. 

The doctor’s scheme to get Eleanor into the lodge room 
was frustrated by the old tanner himself, who, with a view to 
ridding himself and his daughter forever of the doctor, pur- 
chased from the hotel-keeper the note Hirschfield had given 
in payment of his account at the hotel. 

The tanner then called on his old friend the judge 
and asked him, just as a favor, to issue a warrant for 
Hirschfield’s arrest on the charge of neglecting to pay his 
debts. 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 151 

The judge was pleased to have the opportunity to favor 
the richest man in town; and so it came about that same day 
Doctor Hirschfield, Grand Master of the Ancient and 
Illustrious Order of Triscurria-Tremefaxio, was taken by force 
from his temple and incarcerated in another lodge in the 
village of Haparanda, — a branch lodge of the equally ancient 
“ Captivating Insolvency Establishment,” the only one in the 
village. 

The ceremony of transfer was solemn in the extreme, 
though the doctor was installed as Grand Master of the new 
temple by the ridiculously simple expedient of thrusting him 
within the place, closing the door, and turning a key in the 
large padlock which effectually prevented his egress until 
such time as might please his jailer, who carried the key safely 
in his pocketbook. 

Once safely ensconced in his new environment, the doctor 
found much leisure for studying further sorceries, and for 
some days he remained there awaiting the pleasure of the 
authorities. The temple over which he now presided was a 
remarkable place, a little ancient castle with fancy iron grat- 
ings in the windows, quite cosy apparently, though the fur- 
nishings were simple : in his cell the doctor had only an old 
wooden cot, upon which had slept many an inebriate and 
petty criminal. 

I knew nothing of the doctor’s misfortune until Gust 
came to my room at the hotel and told me the whole story. 
I felt sorry for Hirschfield, of course, but I felt that I could 
do nothing. Besides, I rather feared that I might be locked 
up, too, if I showed too great an interest in him. Had I been 
a property owner, I should have bailed him out of jail at 
once. But I was not even a citizen of the country. 

In the evening, however, I plucked up courage to go over 
to the bastile to pay him a visit. But I was refused admit- 
tance, and all I could do was to remain outside and listen to 
him chanting in a melancholy tone a little song of everlasting 
but hopeless love for his fair Eleanor: 


152 


THE NINETY-NINTH DEGREE 

Eleanor, I love thee; 

How much I love you, dear! 

Your face shall ne’er forgotten be. 

Though you never can be near. 

Eleanor, my heart is breaking; 

Sweet love, sweet love of mine. 

Though walls and locks divide us, 

I always shall be thine. 

Your lips that once to mine were pressed. 

Are cold and silent now; 

Though once you lay against my breast 
And whispered Love’s sweet vow. 

Dear lost Eleanor, 

I’ll love you evermore, 

All hope is lost. 

But I’ll pay the cost,— 

Sweet Eleanor. 

The voice was silent. I stood in the shadow of the cold 
gray walls of Hirschfield’s prison and listened in the hope that 
he would sing again. But all I could hear was the sighing of 
the wind in the trees and a sound of sobbing as the doctor 
lay alone and friendless in his narrow cell. At length the 
sobbing ceased, and I knew he was with his love in Dream- 
land, the only land in which they could ever again join hands 
and hearts. 

The doctor was held in jail for several days. At length 
he was taken before the court, who released him on condition 
that he leave Haparanda at once and promise never to return. 
Hirschfield, his spirit utterly broken, agreed to this. His 
note was returned to him by the tanner, who knew it to be 
worthless, but felt that it had served a purpose well worth all 
he had paid for it. 

The doctor was given permission to remain in Haparanda 
long enough to pack up his belongings; so after a good meal at 
the hotel, — he was nearly starved, — we went to his house to 
prepare for his journey. There he conferred upon me the 
one hundredth degree of the order and installed me as Grand 
Master, which office I now hold. Just outside the cellar we 
dug a deep grave and interred therein the Sacred Skull of 
Noah, where let us hope it will rest in peace forever. The 


TRISCURRIA-TREMEFAXIO ORDER 153 

club and the sword were now mine, to be held as long as I 
retain the office of Grand Master. 

And then came the leave taking. Hirschfield, hope gone 
and spirit broken, could not control his emotion, and tears 
rolled in torrents down his cheeks; while I, who had not wept 
since childhood, cried and felt no shame for having done so. 

He clasped my hand and bade me farewell. And with 
his dog at his heels and his pack upon his shoulders he 
trudged away for Siberia, where he had decided to spend the 
remainder of his desolate life. How happy I felt when I 
reflected that he was not going away so penniless as he be- 
lieved ! For just as he turned to go I slipped into his pocket 
a purse containing more than half the money I had brought 
with me on my journey. 

My story is done. I hope your heart, Reader, is beating 
faster for having read it. The secrets of the T-T Order are 
now yours, and I trust you have enjoyed your initiation as 
much as I have enjoyed leading you through the grottoes of 
our mysterious order. 

As Grand Master I give you welcome, hoping that you will 
do all that lies in your power to further the interests of this 
great order, that you will strive to increase its membership, 
that you will urge your friends to become candidates, and 
that by persuading them to buy this book and read it you 
will assist in spreading its influence until all fun-loving per- 
sons are members of this order. Failing to do so, you may 
prevent me from becoming president of the United States. 
As a reward for your faithful performance of these duties, 
I hereby proclaim you in full possession of all the rights 
and privileges of the ninety-ninth degree. May you be 
happy forever. 

The lodge will now be closed with prayer: 

Aqui tae pouca tem de Apellem 
Os raies, que no munde resplendesem! 

Que a neve esta centime poles mentes 
Gelade o mar, galades sempre as fontes! 









J 











































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